There's so many Gemini's around me it's crazy. I used to only know a single person who was born in June other than me. Now I know so many, just yesterday, the 3rd the 4th, the 11th (I knew this one before), 18th, 24th. It's weird, from all of these dates the only one person … Continue reading birth-day

https://youtu.be/5EYk7Cp9Eow A few minutes ago I put in my left earphone, I rarely ever do. I need the right one for calls and watching videos and shit, but when I'm listening to music I put the left one in. The second I did, I felt this overwhelming rush of thought into my brain, it was … Continue reading i don’t recognise myself

I have some interest in Spoken Word Poetry, and in writing fiction. Though, I've been hesitant to create cause I don't know where to start. Writing down your thoughts is easier than creating something new, at least it is for me. I'm thinking about recording some spoken word, but I don't know if I should. … Continue reading Should I go for it?

I started writing this on the 12th of May. Like I just titled it. I didn't think it would become this way, I really didn't. I get confused, and I don't know how to snap out of it. I can't remember when Paris was, it's probably all the haze. I think it's in my old … Continue reading Red // Paris

Life's been feeling like it's been collapsing, quarantine is dangerous for those with shaky mental health. I decided to fuck myself over today, and I went through my entire google drive. https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA. I came across a couple pictures that reminded me of this new segment I want to introduce in the podcast. I'm trying to … Continue reading dive

https://youtu.be/ZuIDh4XIzxU I don't want to have to explain this one, so I'll write something I've been meaning to write, but I haven't know how to. I suppose you could refer to this as freeform prose. The way my heart shook when I saw you that first time, I had been seeing you for quite some … Continue reading You & I

I just had this weird as fuck dream where I had to go back to O levels, where I was sitting in my 9th grade class, well standing. I had come late, like on time, but that's late then right? All the good seats had been taken up. I was walking towards my insanely talented … Continue reading A dream: CAS

You know, I've never been one to care too much for birthdays, but a long time ago I was introduced to the idea of birth weeks, and even birth months. I was told it's importance to celebrate how amazing you are for longer than a day. June's one hell of a birth month. Happy Birth … Continue reading Birth Month

Until just a few minutes ago, I had forgotten about my relationship with Greek mythology. I saw something on instagram that reminded me of how prior to Corona and spending all my cash on intoxicants, I was going to get Atlas tattooed on me. I've had a funny relationship with greek mythology, I mean everyone … Continue reading Greek Mythology and I

I had a bet with one of my friends, if I won in chess I'd get a burger king and a G, if I lost I'd smoke that G with them. I was sober so it was sobriety vs stuff. I lost. twice. Horribly. So I'm stoned. My appetite has come back, my sleep feels … Continue reading No longer sober

Sometimes I come out of the shower, and start brushing my teeth, and realise holy fuck I really have these. At least something is permanent.

There's times my breathing gets heavy, then it gets faint. I realise i'm having an anxiety attack, caused either through content, existential dread or pure exhaustion. It's those times much like now, when I am currently having an anxiety attack that I realise that I do not have someone I can call, message, contact. To … Continue reading breathe

You know they say a healthy body equals a healthy mind, and to an extent I believe in it. I haven't been eating much, I mean it is covid so my meal choices are very limited but that doesn't excuse how less I've been eating. Day by day I notice I eat less, I've gotten … Continue reading not eating

Been about 5 days, I should at least be withdrawing from the nicotine, idk... well to be honest my appetite has been completely fucked, I struggle to keep even one meal a day down. I drink a lot of water though, even more so then when cottonmouth was killing me. I'm confused cause like I … Continue reading Day 5: Confusion

I have these crazy dreams these days, I can't even begin to explain cause I can't remember for shit. But in all honesty I know they are intense cause when I wake up I think to myself, damn that was intense. A couple weeks ago I tried recording my dreams as soon as I woke … Continue reading Mornings

To be honest, I'm not really craving. I don't find myself wanting to be in a haze, nor do I feel like my body is cracking without it. Although I have to say, the boredom is fucking insane. There's literally nothing to do, I'm stuck in a foreign country during covid. The only friends I … Continue reading Day 3: The boredom is the Hardest bit

"We are more than the some of our intentions." Often times we believe that intent is all that matters, it's basically the doctrine of double effect. The consequence of the unintended action should not matter, then why is it that emotionally it demolishes a person?

I woke up pretty late, but after about a couple months I didn't wake up with a throbbing pain in my lungs. They feel a little less constricted I suppose, it has only been like 32 hours since my last time, so I'm not here tryna say oof being clean feels good. Yesterday I managed … Continue reading Day 2

I wonder what would have happened if all those years ago I hadn't come across a series of emails, from someone who liked every single on of my posts, what a surprise it was, when one random day months later, I came across reading material that would affect me in ways I couldn't fathom. I'm … Continue reading goodbye

It's a Sunday, the 24th of May 2020. I've decided it's time we pull ourselves out of this slump, pity annoys me more than constant failure and work. Nobody really has shit on me at my best, need to get there though, been a bit. No consuming anything for the next 10 days. 4th of … Continue reading Attempt idk: Day 1

it's weird being this explicit in my posts, it's as if i'm exposing myself to all of you.but a purge is neccesary right now, so i'm getting it all out

There's a fine line between not sober enough to work, and too sober to work. It's really annoying how too much sobriety brings so much clarity with it, makes you think way too much.

There's but a handful of people, and only one I kinda still talk to that know about how i wanted to be a lawyer. When I was in college I remember a time where uni apps were opening up, oof there was no concept of a gap year then, no concept of a pause or … Continue reading Law school.

Often times people sleep on the real consequences, I've had that problem. Accepting the manifestations, this harvest i demanded as i sew the seeds of abolition. It's hard but you have to, sometimes accepting it is the only option, what more can a guy do? I have this reason, its coming to me as i … Continue reading the consequences of my decisions

I'm planning on picking up a minor. There's so many choices, other than stem ofcourse, though would've loved to be smart enough to do it in physics. I'm thinking Psychology or International Relations, maybe literature. I really don't know. It's like all of it sounds so good with philosophy. But it's like do I want … Continue reading what do you think

you were the reason i slept through the nightyou were why i stayed up till the sun roseyou were who i aspired to be enough foryou were who i went on this journey foryou were the one that cared excessivelyyou were the one that was enoughyou were a simpler timeyou were a memory to tell … Continue reading you

i'm a bit into your name, having a very complicated time watching this movie. it's not my first time watching it, but it reminds me a lot of this dream, these dreams I've been having. The movie is basically premised around two people who switch bodies ever so often and are looking for each other, … Continue reading okay

My last post was very motivated, i don't know where that came from. But I think it might be good. Its just after 3:30, I wrote that at 2 I feel. Something like that. Since then rather than working on my assignment, I've gotten stoned and partaken in a few sips. By no means anything … Continue reading What started as today

I woke up this morning and I've been meaning to pull myself out of this slump the past couple days, before the turmoil gets too bad. I feel like it's time I do. Useless productivity or distractive action, it doesn't matter. I'm not at my best, in fact I'd say currently I'm at the weakest … Continue reading Thankful

They make me so sad. I keep seeing them, it's constant. My Youtube is crowded, its unbearable. How is it that I've gotten this broken. It's like being empty when you're surrounded. So many people around, but none them those that would make it ok. I don't like knowing the 1975 exists, they agonise me … Continue reading The 1975

If I ever got the chance to ask my ghost some questions. I'd like to ask how you are? Who have you become? Was it all worth it, for the best? Are you happy? I'd hope the answer is yes. I'd wonder what the phantom would bring, completion, closure or just agony. I'd like to … Continue reading Questions for a ghost

Can't reach for it, it's not the same anymore, i don't know what i'm reaching for. Funny time I was at concert in Beach luxury and kamil was there, was so proud to be there that day. Burger king was weird after with people i don't think think i exist anymore, just a babbling fool.

I don't think i'll delete this category. I don't like deleting things, because I feel like eventually these will be of the past (hopefully proccessed). I don't know why but I feel like if I keep deleting them, I'm sending mixed signal. That's how it feels to me.

A friend of mine said I should reach out, the only friend who I thought wouldn't say that. Spent the year in the U.K with her and after that I never thought she'd think reaching out was a good decision. But I told her I'm too scared too stir shit up. Need to get sober … Continue reading Told me to

I found out that someone I know has been reading something that the author doesn't know about, and they are forming connections and realising shit, shit they think is accurate. That reminds me of this conversation I just had with a friend here in uni about reader responsibilty. That when you create it's people's choice … Continue reading Readers

It feels like I'm being heard by someone, but I don't think I am. I get no response, I might be delusional. This blog is my only friend, but there's only one response I could want, from a friend.

Should I just delete this entire category? Am I being stupid as fuck?

I should be able to write about happy things, but when I'm happy I don't feel like writing, cause I only know how to write about grief. It's all I've left for the longest. Yesterday, someone told me I'm not allowed to be going through this. That it's been too long for me to be … Continue reading not allowed

You know I'm lucky enough to have a lot of people that read this blog, and I've never written for someone else. Until lately. I think it's funny, how most of the people that read musings, must find it so weird. Like it genuinely sounds like I'm talking to a ghost, cause I suppose I … Continue reading Lucky

It brings me joy to know all of that, which I just found out. It makes me happy, selfishly. I sometimes feel like it was the surroundings that were hell-ish, and now I choose to be alone, well sometimes not by choice. But it really helps my fear of being abandoned. Who's gonna leave if … Continue reading happy to hear

I delete blogs and rename and start them anonymously, this is my first time having a public blog. I delete them because I don't want to cause unneccesary trouble by having people who shouldn't know how I feel, knowing. I'm not going to delete this blog. But I spent the past several hours waking up … Continue reading I don’t want to delete this blog too

There was a time I had a dream that gave me reason, created a world for me to be a part off. It started. My love of boats, the tiny paddle ones. Now I think this is a joke to that dream, like I am. I'm probably being ridiculed, why wouldn't i be.

One of the most tragic parts of life is when you have to empty out a gallery that seems everlasting. When you delete IG posts, accounts even, when you delete your interests from your blog. I added fiction to this, because someone inspired me. But she took her art interest off.

I am sorry, I just want a chance. Why am I doing this to myself, why are you doing this to me? I can't bear it anymore. Please. I can't handle it. Not like I thought like I could. Please. I'm begging you. This is the closest I've gotten to breaking in my life, and … Continue reading Please

Damn, I just censored my own title. What a time to be alive. I just realised that I've been having a fucking conversation through this blog, and it's insane. I can't bring myself to press the tiny follow button at the bottom of a wordpress site, let alone actually say something. Yet, I've said everything … Continue reading what am I doing

There's a few people I'd like to reach out to, most of them from simpler times. Times that could never repeat themselves for I have lost every iota of innocence I supposed I used to possess, or at least ignorance. Yeah. I'd call it ignorance. The ones I want to reach out to include a … Continue reading reaching out

I do believe I'm a hedonist, even as I write this I'm intoxicated; not a lot though. I work on myself, I want to be better, I work to be better all because when I had what I wanted; I wasn't ready. I wasn't enough for what I needed to be. I couldn't handle a … Continue reading Love

You know, I do blame myself for more than I should. But let me talk about one specific occasion, where I was wrong. So wrong I want to puke just thinking about it. It's not a secret my past relationship wasn't the best, this ones about C of course. But there was this one time … Continue reading Understanding how shit I was

I'm realising that these words I'm typing out have insane weightage. I'm not sure if it's my words that are causing the pain. Or if it's my egocentric approach to life, that I think I'm relevant enough to. I hope it's clear to you that if my words affect you, cause you any pain. I'll … Continue reading Is it me?

Not many people understand childhood innocence until they don't have it anymore. It's weird because even though it's been an insanely long time since I lost my friends and those I cared most about. I still use this blog to talk to them. I suppose at first I didn't know why I wrote on this … Continue reading Why I Write on This Blog

I was just listening to a slowed down version of Lovely. The animation is a clip from The Simpsons. Under the video, there's a comment by the channel that uploaded. It reads 100 reasons to stay alive, and includes everything you can find on: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/100-reasons-to-stay-alive I was originally copy and upload the list on here, … Continue reading Reasons to Stay Alive

I'm sure it's not just me but all this solitude has me rethinking every decision I've ever made. Like sirens screeching in my mind regret just continually echoes. Maybe leaving wasn't the best choice. For me, the ones I loved, but mainly just for me. I thought I'd gain so much, but I lost more … Continue reading Sirens

Sometimes, much like at this moment; I find myself wondering whether it's the uncertainty that scares me, or is it the difficulty of living this way that makes death seem like an easier choice. It clearly isn't though. Inline with rational thinking; if dying was what I really wanted I'd achieve it. Maybe I just … Continue reading Living

To be honest, it's been a hot minute since I've taken up a book and read for the sake of reading. I recently borrowed a copy of The Kite Runner from a friend, albeit I received it as a means of passing on papers and roaches. *Spoiler Alert* Hassan and Ali just left, and I … Continue reading A Novel

Before everyone of my final exams in the last of my A levels, I used to sit in my car early in the morning. With a flask filled with tepid coffee and two slices of white bread. Basically the bread helped not get acid reflex during the exam I had studied a couple hours for. … Continue reading Coffee and Bread

I feel like my heart is giving out; physically because my mind has already dissipated. I need quarantine to end so that I can do something other than remember simpler times, nights like Ambrosia.