In August I made a promise to a person who was then a friend, and has now become a mere acquaintance, i miss them.
Basically, I really fucked myself over last year, i got into some seriously stupid shit, addictions piled on top of addictions, meaningless nights and mornings filled with withdrawal.
My friend made me promise, that I wouldn’t do the one thing that hurt me the most, from all of my actions. They made me promise I wouldn’t have meaningless and absolutely distastorous nights with people I can’t give a fuck about.
I had this night the first time I did anything after my old relationship, it wasn’t with my girlfriend or anyone i could give a fuck about, and i was on so many benzos that i can’t for the sake of me remember why i did it.
I remember just sitting on my floor after. I was just contemplating what I had done, how guilty and disgusted i felt with myself, like I was cheating on someone who wasn’t there anymore, it had been almost 7 or 8 months.
That night was a tough night, i spent it wanting her to leave my place, wanting to go back to a time this shit was actually fulfilling. After that, i very very rarely had anyone over to my place. It was impossible to be alone after, and I needed that so badly. Every time for the longest time felt like it was filled with guilt and something i shouldn’t have been doing.
Maybe I should’ve taken that as a sign.
A Sane Undertaking 