https://reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/hamza-abdulla/
Category: MUSINGS
Autumn.
It's about that time of the year when changes are in the air. People close to me are now starting different chapters of their lives. An old friend of mine took 'the long way' but finished his Masters, so onto bigger and better things for him. My partner is leaving for Italy in the morning … Continue reading Autumn.
It hasn’t been working.
I'm not sure but my WordPress hasn't been loading, I haven't been able to post in the past month or two.
fraudulent
"I don't know if you feel this too, but sometimes I feel like who I am now is a fraud. What if the growth I've attempted has been a lie? What if I'm the same person I now despise? And I think that part of us never dies. We simply learn to tame it. Surround … Continue reading fraudulent
Disgusting Addicts
This is a short dialogue between my girlfriend and I, we're still getting to know each other. I said (in regards to my past): People often think, though they know it's bad and shit, but they still, like a tiny part of them thinks that oh it must've been some life. All this shit I … Continue reading Disgusting Addicts
27
Yesterday, I turned 27. Continuation: It's been nearly a week since my birthday. There's a quote by Henry de Montherlant, "happiness writes in white ink on a white page." That's why I've been struggling, truly. I haven't been able to piece words together to write short stories let alone add something to this blog. Here, … Continue reading 27
Intellectual Stimulation
There's this really sweet tradition my hubbi and I have formed. We send each other emails, regularly, and in those emails we talk about the thoughts in our minds while we spend our day updating each other about our lives, oh yeah and living them obviously. It's a really nice tradition. That and the nightly … Continue reading Intellectual Stimulation
Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
I'm at the same age as my father was when he had my elder brother. Just shy of 27. I've experienced quite a bit of life up until this point, whilst also not having actually seen much. I suppose the grass is also greener on the other side, but I also suppose it's quite like … Continue reading Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
So? Jupiter.
Cute. Someone sweet wrote this, told me I remind them of Jupiter. So Jupiter has this presence about it. It's not just being the biggest out there, it literally dominates. You do or have the capacity to I believe. It's like the charisma and ppl gravitating towards you as you've mentioned, which honestly in my … Continue reading So? Jupiter.
box to box ++
It doesn't make any sense to me how even after being confined in a cell I can still feel boxed in. These places, these spaces, the same 4 fucking walls and not a single giant meadow sight. It's difficult for me, most of the time I don't like to be out and about, I do … Continue reading box to box ++
A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
This was written 3 years ago. Hey, I hope you're doing well. I really hope you are. It's such a tough time for me. There's so much confusion so much angst so much agitation. H* and I just had our ickiest breakup, maybe it's the last one. I'm sure you are at a better place … Continue reading A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
who I never wanted to become
What began as a conversation about how I have patterns, how every now and then I do the same things, date the same kinds of women, fall into narcissistic cycles, develop bonds that are only based on utility and just engage in heinous acts of self destruction. Though I talked to her about them in … Continue reading who I never wanted to become
ice cream sandwich
It feels like it was a lifetime ago. I suppose it was. It's been 8 years since we sat on that windowsill, our legs hanging out, you holding my arm so I wouldn't fall. You remember that ice cream sandwich we made? Slabs of that oreo ice cream smothered between two subway cookies. Enough sugar … Continue reading ice cream sandwich
pain that hurts and pain that alters
There's a common understanding that pain is a perpetual part of life. Given that, there's also a perspective that observes that there are two kinds, the pain that hurts and the pain that alters. I've been reading this compilation of poetry written by an acquaintance of mine; that's led me to focus on the implications … Continue reading pain that hurts and pain that alters
Heart Attack?
I've got so many drafts, my relationship with God, another called pain that alters. Yet I can't seem to write. I can't seem to connect with my conscious enough to actively get to an understanding between my mind and my body. I even write this knowing that since the past 10 days I've perpetually felt … Continue reading Heart Attack?
Nostalgia
Things have started to bother me again. I feel stuck in this cycle that I just don't know how to cut off permanently. My dreams have become this constant onslaught following the theme of completionism. Almost every dream I have has something or another to do with being left behind. Just recently I had this … Continue reading Nostalgia
A prayer to the sea
I met her 4 years ago. The night was innocent, as young as we were. A casual smile was all it took. We were at a party, a mutual friends, though neither of us are friends with that particular person anymore. Time passed, lessons were learnt, trust is easy to gain but very hard to … Continue reading A prayer to the sea
nightmare
I've not had any nightmares in quite some time, at least not any memorable ones. Today I had a very intense one, which is wild because I take enough sleeping supplements to just dose off and wake up several hours later. Though this one had 3 people from my past life. My most recent ex, … Continue reading nightmare
Short Story: A Conversation with my Best Friend.
Part 1 I have to get you out of my system. What’s there going to be left? Something. Anything. Anything is better than this. You ruin every single good thing I build. Do I? Or do we just build them so we can destroy them together. What makes you feel like you even build anything? … Continue reading Short Story: A Conversation with my Best Friend.
sometimes i get it
sometimes this becomes something it isn't supposed to be. sometimes the focus to grammar is forsaken for the intention of being authentic. don't we all think in lower case most of the time? Someone asked me to write about who I would like to be as a person. There's this question I asked myself in … Continue reading sometimes i get it
they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
The last few posts have been letters that I had written whilst incarcerated. They are part of a much larger series. I had a lot to atone for, and quite a lot of forgiveness to seek out. I can't be too sure because it's hard to be particularly objective when it comes to thinking of … Continue reading they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
CJD
another letter written in prison. Hey, I hope this finds you well. Whenever and wherever it does. It's been quite sometime (nearly two months) however I suppose for most people it is no time at all. Here I've been given a lot of time by God to think and repent for all the sins and … Continue reading CJD
To BAC
Written in prison, each part is one month apart. to baby bri, Hey it's been some time since we spoke I often think of you and your memories help me stay sane. Jail is not as bad as people think however they fuck you with the uncertainty of not knowing how long you are here. … Continue reading To BAC
HJ
A letter written in prison that I don't believe I'll ever send out to her. To the dearest HJ, I can't believe that it took me landing myself in prison to be able to say this. You were right. You were right about the company I kept. Namely fagnan (changed the name, kept the sentiment). … Continue reading HJ
day after day
I'd like to learn how to make a website so I can start compiling my fiction writings on a website with my name. I have no idea where to start, it's all just a bunch of confusing bullshit... it's not even the code, it's just completely not knowing what to do... I can buy a … Continue reading day after day
only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
When is enough really enough? Is there ever an ending or does one just keep moving the goal post ahead inch by inch, mile by mile. I was just picking which sleep story to listen to and I happen to come across this ummm cover of this song called closer. It used to be quite … Continue reading only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
Copper and Cast Iron
Khaled had never seen so many different kinds of steel before. The textures were so real; the copper, the stainless steel, the cast iron and the latest carbon steel, they were old but in perfect condition. Better than perfect really, the pans were seasoned.They stood alert as she walked in.“Good Morning everyone!” sending shrills down … Continue reading Copper and Cast Iron
The Baker’s Dream
To say my story is one of excitement and adventure would be an understatement. I would much rather ask for your hand in mine and try, to the best of my ability to ask you to understand. You see, I grew up just shy of a small town named Canterbury in Kent, south of England. … Continue reading The Baker’s Dream
a short walk
A Short Walk I remember the weather well that day; it was bright, but half the sky was dark. There was a divide that didn’t particularly make sense to me. Thunder and lightning were brewing on the right and the bright sun on the right. The physics still doesn’t make sense to me. I was … Continue reading a short walk
The Tangerine Tree
The Tangerine Tree On the seventh day he found himself free. The day began as a simple trip to a grove to pick up a few tangerines for his mother and ended up as Mero’s hardest challenge yet. He had found himself in a grove filled with the plushest meadows. His feet submerged in the … Continue reading The Tangerine Tree
Cicen’s Trial
And as he sat on the pebbly beach he had endeavored upon, his journey was just but concluded. The worm wrapped around his index finger crawling in circles, creeping closer and closer to its own end but never wrapping itself to conclusion. His final task upon him, the end just so near to his sight. … Continue reading Cicen’s Trial
bare of stimulants
It's rare for there to be something to say, something so genuine that sharing it brings about a certain betterment to this world. A certain growth to those that allow the information to truly sink in. I learnt something, I've learnt it over several years but today I think I can clearly articulate it. Understanding … Continue reading bare of stimulants
mother part 1
i struggle to write this one. I keep returning back to this just because there's a lot to say and I don't feel like I could fairly convey my feelings properly. I don't come from much, when I was a kid both my parents worked and my father wasn't around at times. Though my mother … Continue reading mother part 1
Heartbreak 2018
This is from my old blog. I used to be so unaccountable it's disturbing. If she texted this version of me all I'd say about this post is wow what a cunt I used to be huh? Guess I'm still a little fucking icky though. Damn I really thought so much of myself even though … Continue reading Heartbreak 2018
“paranoid piece of shit”
she said, stop victimizing me in your head.she said she shouldn't have called me to find her cat not because I'm soft and it would hurt me but because I'm cruel.she says I'm a paranoid piece of shit. Wait a second, shouldn't she have not called me because she cheated on me and disrespected my … Continue reading “paranoid piece of shit”
being a kid//the voices in my head
I noticed someone reading my old posts, so I went through one of them. "you and I". Fuck I couldn't remember the rawness of the emotion I felt for C, I was such a child. Being a kid but feeling like an adult is such a surreal moment. I'm grateful that through this blog I … Continue reading being a kid//the voices in my head
P.S I love you
--- I don't particularly know how to start this but today I opened my Netflix to watch some shit show while I ate my 2AM boiled eggs, life's just icky with this clean ass food at this point. I noticed that the movie P.S I love you had been watched. I assume it's my ex, … Continue reading P.S I love you
Like father like son.
This is a post from August 2020, I can't believe I caused my mother the exact same pain 4 years later. I'll write more about this tomorrow. Today whilst I was sleeping and dreaming about crying in the arms of an ex-girlfriend of mine, at around 9 AM, I had another reason to cry actualize … Continue reading Like father like son.
you just hurt people and you’re fine with them hurting you
fuck that. i do bad things it doesn't mean i'm ok with them happening to me. it means i'm sorry and doing better so fuck me for thinking others are too.
what are you so afraid of?
This platform started of as a place for me to express me thoughts and practice literary writing, then at times it became a place where I would speak to myself or people close to me without needing to filter myself. I don't appreciate how it became the latter. If anyone has something to say to … Continue reading what are you so afraid of?
ada
I write this against my better judgments. There's a post I have on here, some years ago, called 'It's my soul, It's not yours anymore.' It was about this feeling that the partner I had, C, was my only person, my soul, my end-game. She was the first person who I had fallen in love … Continue reading ada
A burning sea
something I wrote quite a long time ago. before my feelings had changed. before the good came and before the bad. A Burning Sea I hoped that this story would be one that would never have to be written, yet here I am seated in a coffee shop I frequent quite regularly typing away at … Continue reading A burning sea
The Past Few Days
Goodbye was on Valentines Day. It's been 4 days now since I last spoke to her. I've found out a few things about myself, about her, and about the dynamic of our relationship. In my earlier posts I referred to myself as a pitstop, as someone that was just a temporary experience she had. I … Continue reading The Past Few Days
Day 2: I hope you are well.
Though today was harder than yesterday I still feel the same way on the most basal levels. Another day without her. I know she's wronged me. I know it's supposed to be unforgivable. I know I'm supposed to resent her, hate her, want her to feel the pain I feel. But. I don't want any … Continue reading Day 2: I hope you are well.
Pit Stop
I talked to my friend about the cheating. He says there's no way you can consider ever getting back together with her after how she violated you. Wild that I told him what hurts me most is that it isn't even a choice I have the ability to make. She's processing I.E figuring out why … Continue reading Pit Stop
Day 1 after being cheated on
It's the first day after she talked to her ex and came back to me and said she chooses me (or well she regrets cheating and wants to work on things). Though now things have changed. She needs to process. I'm sitting here, at home after 5 days almost of not being home for longer … Continue reading Day 1 after being cheated on
To be cheated on.
I'm sure in the past few posts some of my readers can understand how I felt about my partner. How I feel about my partner. On Friday, she cheated on me with her ex. The point of this is to ramble but also to get out the way I feel. To maybe make some sense … Continue reading To be cheated on.
lust and desire
Sometimes, I myself do not know what I have written or shared in this blog and whether the thoughts I'm thinking are original or just repetitions. I know what I'm about to write is something I've thought extensively about but I'm not sure if I've ever taken the time to put the thoughts down somewhere. … Continue reading lust and desire
Cost-Benefit Analysis
It's so hard to find a job. Fuck a well paying one, just any job. I can't do what I used to do, and writing erotic novels again feels like its immoral to add to the porn industry that I fervently stand against. So those were the two methods I had of making money and … Continue reading Cost-Benefit Analysis
Top Lessons by a Top Man
Many things that seem threatening in the dark become welcoming when we shine light on them. There Is Nothing Wrong With Letting People Who Love You Help You. A Man Needs His Rest. Follow your passion and life will reward you. The only thing better than finding something you're looking for is finding something you … Continue reading Top Lessons by a Top Man
i believe in you – A
My last post talked a lot about her and how she helped me. I couldn't title it because there were too many things that were in my head at the same time. Though today, I'd like to appreciate the people that have taken time out of their lives to believe in me. There's no specific … Continue reading i believe in you – A
…
It's been around 3 years since the last time I've been writing on this blog in a present manner. Not just to say something... one thing after every year. Not just to reflect upon an entire year of mistakes and experiences, but the ones that occur on a day to day basis. Today's a fucker … Continue reading …
slow burn
I've been struggling to think, to write. I think it's writers block or maybe laziness. Or maybe now that I've been writing with an explicit purpose which is to get published I'm just putting pressure on myself to make each word efficient. Though I think it might too early to start practicing economy in my … Continue reading slow burn
Temporary
Last night I spoke to someone about The Sunk Cost Fallacy. Now I have two perspectives about these kinds of things. Let's start with the one I tend to believe less of the time than the other. Agreeing with it. Now, I'm a proponent of exiting a bad situation. Regardless of the kind of situation, … Continue reading Temporary
Destiny
If I was the person I'm used to being, how can I be the person I'm proud to be. I've been told that the comfort zone is where dreams go to die. But it is the comfort zone that allows space to dream in the first place. How can I dream in a place where … Continue reading Destiny
08/01/2025
My 12 for 12 January: I wish to learn patience. February: I want to learn gratitude & kindness. March: I wish to be employed. April: I wish to have a strong body and a mind. May: I wish to be stronger than myself. June: I wish for my families health. July: I wish for my … Continue reading 08/01/2025
07/01/2025
Today was a hard day emotionally. I wrote "A Burning Sea", which really put things into perspective about my feelings towards my girl. My heart aches constantly though a part of me feels a bit at ease. A very very small part. However, I'm still grateful for a whole lot: I am grateful I am … Continue reading 07/01/2025
Consistency
This blog at times became something it had no business becoming. What started as a place where I could talk to myself ended up at times becoming a place I would just come to be heard.However, with that said. This blog has always been a home for my thoughts and a place I can compile … Continue reading Consistency
Futility
It all seems kind of like a joke. A bad one. One that I'm playing on myself. Trying to live each day like there's not this giant fucking umbrella covering the sunshine. Telling myself that I'm warm and toasty when the second I look up all I see is how dark everything really is, how … Continue reading Futility
if it’s not money than what is it?
I've been reading some of my old posts to gain some semblance of an understanding of where I am in my life, after so much of it has gone by. It's hard for me to say that I feel like I'm back to where I started. Maybe I never left this place and the past … Continue reading if it’s not money than what is it?
Lowly Bastard
Every time I let her down, I let myself down. Arrogant Cocky 17 year old boy Condescending Man-Child A lowly bastard If you're respected and heard. Be worthy of it.
The End of an Era
I've lived with so many different people at this point. Over the past 6 years, I've had the pleasure of making friends I'd never thought I'd have, and losing some in ways I'd never have expected. I remember better now. The first time I left my home was peculiar to say the least. I remember … Continue reading The End of an Era
huh
I went to prison. I found my footing. It's deeper than the ocean floor, though at least it isn't on glass anymore.
and away we go
I've had this blog on private for months. I've been wondering what to say for some time now, like a proper send off. Over the past few months a lot has changed, I did things I didn't expect myself to do, and as a result of them created an intense sense of change, maybe it's … Continue reading and away we go
I hate not sleeping
I am so motivated and driven in the day. To work, to create. Though after I'm awake in the later hours of the night or the morning. It's 7:20, I realize the reality of how hard it is to get published, to create and sell. I don't know what I'm doing at this point, with … Continue reading I hate not sleeping
the past 19 days.
Some good news: the immediate problems with my family have been sorted, things are going back to whatever semblance of normal they once were. That all happened within the past 4 hours. The rest of everything I'll write is not really good. I wrote this on the 14th or the 15th. You know I remember … Continue reading the past 19 days.
On Hiatus
I'm taking a break. I can't do this anymore. My life is too fucked right now, to be able to even write about any one thing.I just hope it all passes.Until next time. I'm promising myself to not open wordpress for the entire month of August.Goodbye.
A Prayer
I don't particularly believe in a higher power, I just hope you're actually there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R98mtkC6N3Y I pray for another chance to be happy, I pray for one more chance. I promise not to take it for granted, the simplicity, the ease, the purity. I promise I won't be ungrateful this time, I promise to accept … Continue reading A Prayer
I am scared and alone
I am so scared and I am so alone. I do not know how to get through all of this without someone to fall back on. I can not take anymore of this. I can not do this alone anymore. Friends do not understand they try and bless them but they can not understand the … Continue reading I am scared and alone
I do not think this life is a test for the next. However I do believe that tragedies have a magnificent way of shaping people into who they are meant to be. Whatever that may look like. Nothing is okay right now, but we will get through it. One day at a time. One hour … Continue reading
Why won’t these dreams stop?
Before I get into the dream I just woke up from, this post isn't something I'm too comfortable writing about so I might take it down later. I've been writing a lot for work, a lot of romance, a lot lust, a lot of sorrow and just about everything else that comes with life, I … Continue reading Why won’t these dreams stop?
25/07/2020
It's been a little bit over a week since I've bombarded this blog with posts. JP Cooper - Satellite Life's gotten a bit simpler, taking a break from posting even though it was just 8 or 9 days from the last one (introspective one) has allowed me the opportunity to understand that constant posting is … Continue reading 25/07/2020
TW
I'm trying to spend time away from this blog but I feel like this needs to be said. I watched this freestyle on youtube that made me think of this.. People often think that they are helpful that they are present. They think that just because they say that they are there for you at … Continue reading TW
An Anxiety Attack
I'm at the tail-end of the worst anxiety attack I've ever had (I think). I literally haven't been able to breathe since a few days, as in I always have anxiety but the past few days I haven't had one full breath of air. I literally ran to my medicine basket and I couldn't find … Continue reading An Anxiety Attack
SMILE
I'm out of isolation, it's about damn time. Finally gonna meet my friends tomorrow. I've missed em so much. I'm about to write a very deep post about my relationship with goals, it should be live in a couple hours, but right now I paused. Cause I'm happy. Yes it might be temporary distraction or … Continue reading SMILE
Driving
I've always loved driving, but today was the first time I had an anxiety attack driving. I've been driving since just around 2016; legally. I drove so much up until the later months of 2018. It's like 2018 has become synonymous with the end of my happiness. Maybe it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zoc491E7_w4 Today was the first … Continue reading Driving
weakness
I hate not being able to stand without needing a minute to center myself. It's so frustrating, what have I done to myself to get this way? Is it the lack of nutrition, is it being at a weight I've never been at? I feel light headed the second I stand, maybe it's vertigo. I … Continue reading weakness
Flood
I'm remembering. It all. I don't know how and why, but it's all coming back to me. Years of suppressed memories. There's so much, I can't take it. I can't handle this.
beach luxury
To build a home I got up this morning to see this song on a friends IG. I remember us listening to sad as fuck music a couple weeks ago, just to see who had the sadder song, this was my suggestion. This song always reminds me of beach luxury, which for most of the … Continue reading beach luxury
I have this weird fear
Saturn - slowed I have this fear. This weird thought in my mind. It's persistent, it's dumb, it's not dumb but it's just not acceptable. My friends not doing too well. He's been there for me in times where I felt so alone that he knew just being there was enough. I've failed him. I've … Continue reading I have this weird fear
what am i doing?
I've applied for this writing job, and I'm currently writing for it. Well, I need to start. I'm already late to submit it, but I feel like my skill in the English language, well my privilege is allowing me an opportunity to exploit my employer in regards to deadlines. Wow that was a run-on sentence. … Continue reading what am i doing?
Self Isolating / Detoxing?
you were good to me (slowed) I'm on day 5? Well I don't know I smoked before leaving for my flight at 9AM on the 1st of July. It's been a bit. My body is getting all weird, sometimes my nose starts running, it is right now. My throat gets itchy, but I think that's … Continue reading Self Isolating / Detoxing?
Craziness
I'm here wasting time listening to the music playing in this airport, and I swear to God who even plays price tag anymore... like from Christina Perry to Lukas Graham, but price tag...that little sound echoed in my ears as I came back from brushing my teeth. Damn.
Travels #2
43 minutes to Doha, I'm getting tired of consuming shit, so at this point creating something seems like a good past time. We're on our way back home and we have been facing such crazy anxiety. Right after I wrote the last post, I got into line to check in for my flight. We waited … Continue reading Travels #2
Travels #1
Just got comfortable enough to write in Istanbul, I'm in the airport waiting for my check in which is in 2 hours. Whilst I was flying from Ankara to Istanbul I was thinking a lot about how dying on the flight would make me feel. keep on loving you - CAS There was a lot … Continue reading Travels #1
I hate this
I absolutely hate this anxiety, this feeling I get waiting to start my travels. I miss when I used to love packing a bag, I miss going to Dubai just to chill and pick up loads of shit. There was never any anxiety when I traveled then. Why does it feel like I'm going from … Continue reading I hate this
hey beautiful, happy anniversary/empty apologies
cinnamon girl - lana del ray Man I remember the 30th of June 2019 kinda well. I remember going for chai with M and Jin Baba and I remember how I sat there, depressed as shit. I was dealing with a lot and I felt empty in their company. So I came home, opened this … Continue reading hey beautiful, happy anniversary/empty apologies
It will be okay.
All I Want.
“I lay in tears in bed all night. Alone without you by my side. But if you loved me. Why did you leave me.”All I want Kodaline - Slowed and Reverbed How can I even start this, this day has been long. I've gotten used to being disconnected for 14-15 hours a day, sitting outside … Continue reading All I Want.
Sleep?
I wish I could explain it well enough, this insomnia. It's just about 4, it just hit 4 actually. I'm baked, I've been up since 11am, yet I can't sleep. It'll probably be another few hours before I can get some shut eye, I hope not though. Last night I dreamed about someone I shouldn't … Continue reading Sleep?
Cookie Jar
I've found that when life tends to get real bad, real tough, it's best to reach into your cookie jar. What that means is, ask yourself this; if you're struggling say with an exam, say with complications in your life, say with a complex bout with your existential angst. Just ask yourself this, have I … Continue reading Cookie Jar
Some time ago
Some time I ago I was talking to my therapist post an overdose, a psychiatric evaluation of sorts, to try and find out if I was self-harming, or it was a genuine mistake. I don't think it was a mistake, I don't think any of my substance abuse was a mistake, that I just made … Continue reading Some time ago
I’m struggling
I've been trying to write for 4 days. I have things I want to talk about, but I just can't bring myself to.
I’m Afraid
https://youtu.be/wqgyR0yBwek Haven't posted in 3 days, haven't had time to write, the motivation to write, or the need to reply. Last night though, I had this weird thing happen when I was faded beyond measure. It was, I suppose, a realisation of a disconnect. Though before getting into that, I suppose I'll juxtapose the intensity … Continue reading I’m Afraid
Weird
Literally 2 days ago or 3, I was sitting on the hill with a friend or two and listening to all this fucking shit. Literally going from The Fray, to Snow Patrol, from Red Hot Chilli Peppers, to Hinder. I was just telling my friend that when you listen to How to save a life, … Continue reading Weird
18/06/2020
Well I've been elated since 9PM on the 17th, it's just after 2AM on the 19th. I've had a nice day. My friends from all over got on a Zoom call and surprised me. I was genuinely not expecting any of this. Not the night, not the call, not anything, I was under this false … Continue reading 18/06/2020
In your hands
It's a bit after 5AM. I got off the phone with Addi just about an hour ago, had a nice long conversation with her about what the fuck I've been doing. She constantly tells me that I should move this conversation off the blog. That I should directly communicate with that which gives me crippling … Continue reading In your hands
birthday
https://youtu.be/6AQw8oy5dzo It's about 1:45. I was surprised to be called outside at 9:30. Hours before my birthday. Though I didn't expect a cake, let alone a box of j's and bottles. These guys really came through, thank you boys. What a memorable experience. I got back around 45 ago, and I'm completely gone. I'm drunk … Continue reading birthday
Turning 22
Calum Scott - Come Back Home https://youtu.be/rNCT91V5dQU I'm writing this at 9PM, I turn 22 at 7:30AM on the 18th of June. I wanted to cue this up for 00:00. I remember my 20th, it was back in 2018. I had an insane breakdown, I was running a fever and I genuinely thought I was … Continue reading Turning 22
Blame
It's important to accept blame, to an extent most things I've done, I'm to be blamed. It is hard when you have to realise there's a line. A line after which you're accepting blame that is not yours to except. I rarely feel that way, I'm the cause of so much anxiety, so much suffering, … Continue reading Blame
Tell me something please
I'm lost in thought of whether there was never any trust, or were my betrayals the cause of its decay. An answer would be nice. I have this long letter I've been meaning to write, like the one I struggled to discard, the one I memorised. I don't think I should write it.
The days
Long days https://youtu.be/Il7Nv270zNk The past 4 or 5 days have been filled with constant intoxication that attempting to break the days up would be insanely hard, being elevated from the moment of awakening to passing out, it's a haze. I made a flower of little dead buds, and it came out pretty. Here it is: … Continue reading The days
It is hard
Literally just got back from a nice day (post coming soon), and got comfortable in bed, still have all my jewellery on so not yet completely barren. A thought came to me due to some provocation, is it possible that I've never been trusted? I've had long term friends, relationships (one that I was forced … Continue reading It is hard
I’m done.
I just sent in my last exam, at 10AM. It was due around 11, I managed to run through it, economics has never been a problem really. I am finally done. I survived one fucking year here. I remember day 1, when I thought that I wouldn't be able to do it. When after my … Continue reading I’m done.
Midnight
The forecast said 0% chance of rain, then the clock hit 12 and the day turned to the 11th. It's been raining like fucking crazy, I get it though. You can't create expectations of the future, they always fail https://youtu.be/558V3SyPDbM.
birth-day
There's so many Gemini's around me it's crazy. I used to only know a single person who was born in June other than me. Now I know so many, just yesterday, the 3rd the 4th, the 11th (I knew this one before), 18th, 24th. It's weird, from all of these dates the only one person … Continue reading birth-day
i don’t recognise myself
https://youtu.be/5EYk7Cp9Eow A few minutes ago I put in my left earphone, I rarely ever do. I need the right one for calls and watching videos and shit, but when I'm listening to music I put the left one in. The second I did, I felt this overwhelming rush of thought into my brain, it was … Continue reading i don’t recognise myself
Should I go for it?
I have some interest in Spoken Word Poetry, and in writing fiction. Though, I've been hesitant to create cause I don't know where to start. Writing down your thoughts is easier than creating something new, at least it is for me. I'm thinking about recording some spoken word, but I don't know if I should. … Continue reading Should I go for it?
Red // Paris
I started writing this on the 12th of May. Like I just titled it. I didn't think it would become this way, I really didn't. I get confused, and I don't know how to snap out of it. I can't remember when Paris was, it's probably all the haze. I think it's in my old … Continue reading Red // Paris
dive
Life's been feeling like it's been collapsing, quarantine is dangerous for those with shaky mental health. I decided to fuck myself over today, and I went through my entire google drive. https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA. I came across a couple pictures that reminded me of this new segment I want to introduce in the podcast. I'm trying to … Continue reading dive
Rings
A few hours after I wrote this I was deep into my gallery, and found the picture I didn't even know I had. To most of you from Karachi, liberty books is it. I remember every single aisle, of so many different locations, I initially titled this post Liberty Books, but I feel this is … Continue reading Rings
You & I
https://youtu.be/ZuIDh4XIzxU I don't want to have to explain this one, so I'll write something I've been meaning to write, but I haven't know how to. I suppose you could refer to this as freeform prose. The way my heart shook when I saw you that first time, I had been seeing you for quite some … Continue reading You & I
A dream: CAS
I just had this weird as fuck dream where I had to go back to O levels, where I was sitting in my 9th grade class, well standing. I had come late, like on time, but that's late then right? All the good seats had been taken up. I was walking towards my insanely talented … Continue reading A dream: CAS
Birth Month
You know, I've never been one to care too much for birthdays, but a long time ago I was introduced to the idea of birth weeks, and even birth months. I was told it's importance to celebrate how amazing you are for longer than a day. June's one hell of a birth month. Happy Birth … Continue reading Birth Month
Greek Mythology and I
Until just a few minutes ago, I had forgotten about my relationship with Greek mythology. I saw something on instagram that reminded me of how prior to Corona and spending all my cash on intoxicants, I was going to get Atlas tattooed on me. I've had a funny relationship with greek mythology, I mean everyone … Continue reading Greek Mythology and I
No longer sober
I had a bet with one of my friends, if I won in chess I'd get a burger king and a G, if I lost I'd smoke that G with them. I was sober so it was sobriety vs stuff. I lost. twice. Horribly. So I'm stoned. My appetite has come back, my sleep feels … Continue reading No longer sober
Sometimes I realise these are real
Sometimes I come out of the shower, and start brushing my teeth, and realise holy fuck I really have these. At least something is permanent.
breathe
There's times my breathing gets heavy, then it gets faint. I realise i'm having an anxiety attack, caused either through content, existential dread or pure exhaustion. It's those times much like now, when I am currently having an anxiety attack that I realise that I do not have someone I can call, message, contact. To … Continue reading breathe
not eating
You know they say a healthy body equals a healthy mind, and to an extent I believe in it. I haven't been eating much, I mean it is covid so my meal choices are very limited but that doesn't excuse how less I've been eating. Day by day I notice I eat less, I've gotten … Continue reading not eating
Day 5: Confusion
Been about 5 days, I should at least be withdrawing from the nicotine, idk... well to be honest my appetite has been completely fucked, I struggle to keep even one meal a day down. I drink a lot of water though, even more so then when cottonmouth was killing me. I'm confused cause like I … Continue reading Day 5: Confusion
Mornings
I have these crazy dreams these days, I can't even begin to explain cause I can't remember for shit. But in all honesty I know they are intense cause when I wake up I think to myself, damn that was intense. A couple weeks ago I tried recording my dreams as soon as I woke … Continue reading Mornings
Day 3: The boredom is the Hardest bit
To be honest, I'm not really craving. I don't find myself wanting to be in a haze, nor do I feel like my body is cracking without it. Although I have to say, the boredom is fucking insane. There's literally nothing to do, I'm stuck in a foreign country during covid. The only friends I … Continue reading Day 3: The boredom is the Hardest bit
Intentions
"We are more than the some of our intentions." Often times we believe that intent is all that matters, it's basically the doctrine of double effect. The consequence of the unintended action should not matter, then why is it that emotionally it demolishes a person?
Day 2
I woke up pretty late, but after about a couple months I didn't wake up with a throbbing pain in my lungs. They feel a little less constricted I suppose, it has only been like 32 hours since my last time, so I'm not here tryna say oof being clean feels good. Yesterday I managed … Continue reading Day 2
goodbye
I wonder what would have happened if all those years ago I hadn't come across a series of emails, from someone who liked every single on of my posts, what a surprise it was, when one random day months later, I came across reading material that would affect me in ways I couldn't fathom. I'm … Continue reading goodbye
Attempt idk: Day 1
It's a Sunday, the 24th of May 2020. I've decided it's time we pull ourselves out of this slump, pity annoys me more than constant failure and work. Nobody really has shit on me at my best, need to get there though, been a bit. No consuming anything for the next 10 days. 4th of … Continue reading Attempt idk: Day 1
purge
it's weird being this explicit in my posts, it's as if i'm exposing myself to all of you.but a purge is neccesary right now, so i'm getting it all out
Fine line
There's a fine line between not sober enough to work, and too sober to work. It's really annoying how too much sobriety brings so much clarity with it, makes you think way too much.
Law school.
There's but a handful of people, and only one I kinda still talk to that know about how i wanted to be a lawyer. When I was in college I remember a time where uni apps were opening up, oof there was no concept of a gap year then, no concept of a pause or … Continue reading Law school.
the consequences of my decisions
Often times people sleep on the real consequences, I've had that problem. Accepting the manifestations, this harvest i demanded as i sew the seeds of abolition. It's hard but you have to, sometimes accepting it is the only option, what more can a guy do? I have this reason, its coming to me as i … Continue reading the consequences of my decisions
what do you think
I'm planning on picking up a minor. There's so many choices, other than stem ofcourse, though would've loved to be smart enough to do it in physics. I'm thinking Psychology or International Relations, maybe literature. I really don't know. It's like all of it sounds so good with philosophy. But it's like do I want … Continue reading what do you think
you
you were the reason i slept through the nightyou were why i stayed up till the sun roseyou were who i aspired to be enough foryou were who i went on this journey foryou were the one that cared excessivelyyou were the one that was enoughyou were a simpler timeyou were a memory to tell … Continue reading you
okay
i'm a bit into your name, having a very complicated time watching this movie. it's not my first time watching it, but it reminds me a lot of this dream, these dreams I've been having. The movie is basically premised around two people who switch bodies ever so often and are looking for each other, … Continue reading okay
What started as today
My last post was very motivated, i don't know where that came from. But I think it might be good. Its just after 3:30, I wrote that at 2 I feel. Something like that. Since then rather than working on my assignment, I've gotten stoned and partaken in a few sips. By no means anything … Continue reading What started as today
Thankful
I woke up this morning and I've been meaning to pull myself out of this slump the past couple days, before the turmoil gets too bad. I feel like it's time I do. Useless productivity or distractive action, it doesn't matter. I'm not at my best, in fact I'd say currently I'm at the weakest … Continue reading Thankful
The 1975
They make me so sad. I keep seeing them, it's constant. My Youtube is crowded, its unbearable. How is it that I've gotten this broken. It's like being empty when you're surrounded. So many people around, but none them those that would make it ok. I don't like knowing the 1975 exists, they agonise me … Continue reading The 1975
Questions for a ghost
If I ever got the chance to ask my ghost some questions. I'd like to ask how you are? Who have you become? Was it all worth it, for the best? Are you happy? I'd hope the answer is yes. I'd wonder what the phantom would bring, completion, closure or just agony. I'd like to … Continue reading Questions for a ghost
I don’t know how to, i’m so scared of how it’ll be recieved
Can't reach for it, it's not the same anymore, i don't know what i'm reaching for. Funny time I was at concert in Beach luxury and kamil was there, was so proud to be there that day. Burger king was weird after with people i don't think think i exist anymore, just a babbling fool.
hiding
I don't think i'll delete this category. I don't like deleting things, because I feel like eventually these will be of the past (hopefully proccessed). I don't know why but I feel like if I keep deleting them, I'm sending mixed signal. That's how it feels to me.
Told me to
A friend of mine said I should reach out, the only friend who I thought wouldn't say that. Spent the year in the U.K with her and after that I never thought she'd think reaching out was a good decision. But I told her I'm too scared too stir shit up. Need to get sober … Continue reading Told me to
Readers
I found out that someone I know has been reading something that the author doesn't know about, and they are forming connections and realising shit, shit they think is accurate. That reminds me of this conversation I just had with a friend here in uni about reader responsibilty. That when you create it's people's choice … Continue reading Readers
Delusion
It feels like I'm being heard by someone, but I don't think I am. I get no response, I might be delusional. This blog is my only friend, but there's only one response I could want, from a friend.
Yes or No
Should I just delete this entire category? Am I being stupid as fuck?
not allowed
I should be able to write about happy things, but when I'm happy I don't feel like writing, cause I only know how to write about grief. It's all I've left for the longest. Yesterday, someone told me I'm not allowed to be going through this. That it's been too long for me to be … Continue reading not allowed
Lucky
You know I'm lucky enough to have a lot of people that read this blog, and I've never written for someone else. Until lately. I think it's funny, how most of the people that read musings, must find it so weird. Like it genuinely sounds like I'm talking to a ghost, cause I suppose I … Continue reading Lucky
happy to hear
It brings me joy to know all of that, which I just found out. It makes me happy, selfishly. I sometimes feel like it was the surroundings that were hell-ish, and now I choose to be alone, well sometimes not by choice. But it really helps my fear of being abandoned. Who's gonna leave if … Continue reading happy to hear
I don’t want to delete this blog too
I delete blogs and rename and start them anonymously, this is my first time having a public blog. I delete them because I don't want to cause unneccesary trouble by having people who shouldn't know how I feel, knowing. I'm not going to delete this blog. But I spent the past several hours waking up … Continue reading I don’t want to delete this blog too
Dream – World
There was a time I had a dream that gave me reason, created a world for me to be a part off. It started. My love of boats, the tiny paddle ones. Now I think this is a joke to that dream, like I am. I'm probably being ridiculed, why wouldn't i be.
Why’d you take it all off.
One of the most tragic parts of life is when you have to empty out a gallery that seems everlasting. When you delete IG posts, accounts even, when you delete your interests from your blog. I added fiction to this, because someone inspired me. But she took her art interest off.
A Sane Undertaking 