nightmare

I’ve not had any nightmares in quite some time, at least not any memorable ones. Today I had a very intense one, which is wild because I take enough sleeping supplements to just dose off and wake up several hours later. Though this one had 3 people from my past life. My most recent ex, the one prior to her and a school friend from when I was 13. It made me realize that maybe even with all this so called self reflection, there may be other things to reflect on. I was being lectured by the second of the three aforementioned people. She was saying, “you act like you’ve cared, but do you even remember anything? Do you remember how my voice sounded when I sung you to sleep? Do you remember my mother’s name?” At this point I just don’t. I don’t remember the name of any person close to my exes, hell I don’t even remember most of their surnames. How could I have been serious about something when I can’t remember details like birthdays or important dates, or anything for that matter other than a handful of experiences that we shared together. I don’t even remember how I met most of them. It makes me feel as though the bond I shared wasn’t particularly as strong as I thought, or maybe it’s just hoeing around that’s made me forget things. I remember somethings about the first couple partners I had, just none in the past decade.

I don’t like to talk too much about the women in my life because I believe for a while it was all my life was about: women, drugs and other shenanigans. However, nowadays I just try to correct whichever behavior patterns arise as quickly as they may. So this dream I had led to me feel like I might not be as present in relationships as I feel like I am. So, naturally I’ll ensure I take notes next time, and honestly try and make sure the next time is the last time. That’s something I’d really like to ensure. I would love the next woman in my life to be the mother of my children so I do think it’s about time that I try and make myself deserving of one.

I don’t really remember what the first of the aforementioned three was saying in my dream.

However, the friend I had when I was 13 was talking to me in a large group of my peers (at that time) about swimming, unusual but for some reason I felt like he was trying to drown me. Maybe it’s because I was talking about sailing with a couple friends last night, and how I almost drowned a couple times.

I’m not sure