Today's my 23rd birthday. I'm in bed with Honeya, it's nice. Peaceful. It's a bit after 8 in the morning, I met my friends at midnight. It was nice. Her and I have spent the night in a haze of love, of all kinds. She's in my arms, asleep. So adorable, her little sounds, her … Continue reading 23

I've been writing this since about 15 or 20 days, I can't even remember at this point. This is the longest I haven't posted in. It's almost been a month at this point. There's parts of this that were written then, and there's parts I'm writing now. Though it really doesn't matter which is which. … Continue reading 84: insecurity

Alright. It's taken me a few minutes to just figure out what to title this post. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szQdvAzGNwE It seems impossible to think I'm writing this, but if I don't seek the clarity I need to right now. I'll fuck some shit up REALLY BAD. Over the past 5 or 6 days, since Thursday night. I've … Continue reading 83: The Path I’m Choosing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5I79eakR8E I don't like the direction this blog is headed. It's become a place where I rant more than I observe, evaluate and repair. I don't like that at all. I think it's time that it blooms, it blossoms into someting more than the mumblings of my misery. My mental health has been fluctuating quite … Continue reading 78: Bloom

It's occured to me that I've been lying about something this whole time. I'd say that's the reason I'm up at 5:30 in the morning, writing. That would be a lie, too. I can't sleep, which led to me overthinking, like always. Somewhere amongst all that thinking though was the realisation that I've been acting … Continue reading 77: I’ve been lying

There's this beautiful song from this movie collateral beauty. The song's called Let's Hurt Tonight by One Republic. Before I start this post on how my senses are failing me, and I'm feeling less and less like this world is real. I'll share a short story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wGN7D03Nho I remember when this movie came out in … Continue reading 76: they say love is pain

I'm inching closer to 100 posts on Meditations, almost 200 in total. Think they might come at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SssfR6gMSWQ It's about 4 AM, and I was just scrolling through my youtube suggestions, after binging a bumch of Graham Norton clips. Amongst all the UFC, Comedy, and Cooking videos, there was this song. So … Continue reading 75: no one but myself

let's do this then. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxweUMdiYao For a couple years now I've been writing in a diary. Since 2017 I think. I don't know the first entry in the ones I have on me right now is Feb 2018. The blogging did begin before the diaries, so I've always been slightly comfortable sharing things in public. … Continue reading 74: goals and i

For an entity that might not exist beyond biology, you're one hell of a sob story. I always thought you'd speak to me in English when you reap me. After a lot of experiences, I've realised that it won't be through language we will communicate, it'll be through fear. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rflghuHtg8 I've begun to learn and … Continue reading 72: A letter to death

Today's the day it happens. Today we talk about my Narcissism. oof. This guy Narcissus basically looked into a body of water and saw his reflection and realised that he's it. He's the only one he can love, cause no one else compared. Alright, so I definitely don't feel like that, I mean I don't … Continue reading 71: Defense Mechanism(s)

3 years ago today, I graduated from college. I'd share a picture but I deleted them all in an attempt to forget that part of my life. I've had a crazy day. Legit made a massive checklist last night at 6AM and actually managed to get through most of it. I mean I did the … Continue reading 69: Graduation

Hinder - Lips of An Angel - https://youtu.be/RiSfTyrvJlg I chose this song cause of a memory. I already know what I'm writing about, but I wanted you to listen this as you read this. I don't like writing posts about why I write, or how I began to write, and more shit that feels like … Continue reading 65: a,b and C

https://youtu.be/MUmjKCjeu1A It's too easy. Thinking is inherently just easier than acting. I'll begin this with a few harsh realities. One of which, maybe the most fundamental one: someone dealing with depression should not be with someone who deals with a form of depression. Recently, I'd been reading quite a bit on this, not just for … Continue reading 61: Acceptance

After "lost without you", it's hard to even write this. It's not that I feel lost without anyone, I'm lost in general due to a lack of purposelessness. It's just that you appreciate things, once they are gone. It's a sad truth. https://youtu.be/i_WTHkBuqbg I was recently giving it a lot of thought, if I could … Continue reading 60: Better

https://youtu.be/glfTU-LjE50 https://youtu.be/uWeqeQkjLto Hmm. I don't know how to start this. I got the idea for it when I was sitting outside on the couch in the common area, completely wrecked, on a couple hours of sleep (the kind where your eyes are kinda open), I had to sit outside it was time for the weekly … Continue reading 59: jealousy and i

Tabah is the urdu word for undone. Whether it is a building that has collapsed, or whether it is an emotional implosion, tabah applies. This blog to a great deal has been a compilation of my most tabah moments. Why do I feel like I'm tabah in this very moment, because I was reading a … Continue reading 58: Tabah

"Growth is an uncomfortable process, and pain is a necessary investment for progress." - D Smoke https://youtu.be/U-v0_RK6zSc https://youtu.be/8jzDnsjYv9A The first link is of my most listened to song of post summer 2018,2019 and maybe 2020. The second is my a musician who was probably my most listened to artist in 2015. I hadn't heard his … Continue reading 57: writing on the wall

How can I even start this, it's a big one. Recently I discovered this blog, and it had a post on it; one about anime. I read it extensively, how one person can be so affected by a medium that is so obviously unreal. I related to it, more than I would you'd think haha. … Continue reading 56: Anime and I

I rarely listen to this band by choice, but I'm listening to this right now https://youtu.be/luHTVhECmWQ. Last night a friend called me, someone I hadn't connected with since nearly a month or two. She's the only one I can be honest with, there's no bias, no sides, no intentions, no ulterior motives, like there usually … Continue reading 55: trying too much

I suppose the best way I can have you fully understand is by asking you to first put this on. https://youtu.be/BZ6D9SEvBHs Today, I had a conversation with a friend, and we spoke of how I got him into working out back in 2015. But what we mainly did was reminisce, remember the Wednesdays at dominoes, … Continue reading 54: why it’s easier living in the past

There's this song called 27 by Colson Baker. More or less it's about writing, creating, making music without inspiration, whilst maintaining the constant disconnect to your own work. The past few weeks, I've posted quite a lot. So much so that some times I find myself disconnected from what I write, I find it to … Continue reading 53: letting thought flow

He and I have been friends since before I can imagine, I mean since before youtube existed... it's a bit. He and I spoke today, we rarely get into deep conversation, I suppose today might have been the first time I spoke to him about things I hadn't spoken to anyone about. This conversation was … Continue reading 52: a conversation with our friend Jin Baba

I just finished giving a psychology paper on depression, bi-polar disorder and how heart break is a rising cause for most teens to be depressed. I genuinely kinda felt attacked, cause like a question was like Chris was about to become an engineer and then he became a philosophy student and got himself a nice … Continue reading 51: a photo frame

I've been ransacking by brain trying to figure out what to call this one, it's a big deal, it's the 50th and I'm a softie. At first I was gonna call it C, or K, or M, or An open letter to an ex, or letting go to grow, or making tough decisions, or it's … Continue reading 50: n/a

I've been insanely self critical lately, constantly telling myself that I'm a piece of shit, that I'm a delusional narcissist incapable of even loving himself, that I, in essence have just failed at everything I ever set to accomplish, everything I once accomplished. An idea I just had haha while listening to Say Something led … Continue reading 49: All The Things I’d Tell You

A reoccurring theme in my life is the inability to feel. Though at this moment, I'm thinking that my apathy might not be apathy, but just helplessness. I can't remember much of my past, I feel like I've misplaced those memories, from 2015 onwards it all seems like one massive haze, a haze better not … Continue reading 48: Apathy

There's this fascinating guy named Miles Carter on youtube, if you ever get a chance you should check him out. I'm sure he's got something for you. In all honesty I've been meaning to write an open letter for almost a year now, but rather than making it out to one person, I'd like to … Continue reading 47: A Letter to Love

Ah, there was a time where my decisions were based on ego, so ridiculously yet perceived so profoundly. My purpose, further extended through the ego; to be respected, to be admired, to be more than the other. Ultimately, the reward? A realisation, one that makes every decision I've made entirely worth it. That I am … Continue reading 46: Ego//Purpose//Rewards

What's the difference? I started writing this two days ago, in the middle of the day. I left for I think a sesh, maybe something else, I don't know, don't leave for anything else anymore. I'll get into it. There's a difference in moving on and giving up, the fundamental difference being one is positive … Continue reading 45: Moving on//Giving up

I had to tap my head against a wall, just to regain focus. I'm pretty foggy right now. Just an hour ago, we were in a friends room and Timmie came on, randomly on the speaker. IDK is was tell me why im waiting, It just brought up a thought right now when I was … Continue reading 44: Wanting more

I've experienced quite a bit of loss, some taken from me by the forces of nature and the others by my own hand. Today is an especially hard day. I received a message this morning, of course I was asleep until what's now the afternoon, but the message was a reminder that today is my … Continue reading 43: Loss

why doesn't instant gratification make it all go away. I've really been thinking about adopting a taoist lifestyle, like adopting the belief in reverting back to a pure form of existence by dis-impressioning every mark life has left on me. But I constantly try and fill my days and nights with instant gratification, clouds of … Continue reading 37: Euphoria

Today marks 1200 days from my first ever blog post. To be honest when I woke up I just wanted to check how long I've been blogging for, and it has been more off then on, but today is day 1200. I started this blog after I wrote a poem for something that happened in … Continue reading 14: 1200 Days

Today was a good day, it’s not that anything special happened, but classes have restarted so finally have something to do now. Kind of realising that I should have shit to do even when classes are off, and I should use that time more productively, but next time. Today I changed rooms, not as daunting … Continue reading 12: A Good Day

Sometimes I find myself going through these insanely positive motions throughout the day, there are days I just wake up and hit the gym, get a run in, read and spend the day learning. Then there are days, like most these days, where I do nothing. I'm confused about why I feel both are just … Continue reading 5: Distractions.

Often time I want to write but I don't feel that wave of motivation forcing my hands to clatter away at my keyboard. Music has always been the catalyst, a reason and an instant incitement to just write. I had been planning to write about my recent LSD trip, but whilst listenting to "Someone to … Continue reading 4: Often times.

I’ve committed to writing at least a couple times a week, so whenever I get the time I’ve decided I’d just type a few words out. It’s just around 6am and I’ve had the same day as I did yesterday. Except this time I have a final in 3 hours, probably my hardest and I … Continue reading 3: Disconnect

I’ve known addiction is a problem since quite a while. A few months ago I almost overdosed on pills and alcohol and the next day; a few hours after I found myself writhing on a hospital bed holding the hand of someone I only knew for maybe a month at that time, and hoping I … Continue reading 2: Another day

For the past few weeks I’ve been meaning to start another blog but I’ve just been deleting everything I write. My past blogs were all anonymous (a few knew about them) but eventually I had to delete both of them because I cut ties with the people that knew about them. This time I decided … Continue reading 1