Goodbyes are hard, I am insanely scared of uncertainty and I’ve been exposed to so much of it today. Waking up to go get cartons and pick my mom a ring up was a good move, I could’ve left it for the last day but I’m glad I wrapped everything up. Hopefully I get to go home tomorrow. I’m not sure it’ll happen though. I’m hoping so I packed it all up. Again, I hate leaving.
The cartons go into storage, I didn’t have the opportunity to put shit into storage the last time, I just left tossing it all. My bags are all packed. For some reason I love carrying duffel bags, makes me feel less like a tourist idk.
Last night as I was packing, I was tossing this bottle my friends gave me, it was sentimental, into my bag and it bounced off, leaving it in pieces much like what today’s left me as. It’s only 1 I shouldn’t be this sad, be this fucked.
Sometimes I wish I could record the writing procedure. The change in music is much greater in comparison to the few links I share. Right now it’s this https://youtu.be/wMVidGUic4c but even as I write it’s about to end. Its kinda crazy though, I’ll try it sometime.
Today’s been weird. How do I even start, I went to sort shit out, and then came back to messages asking me if my flight has been cancelled, cause most were. Idek. It looks like it’s still on though, let’s hope. Even right now I’m waiting for a sesh, I need to distract myself from this hollow feeling.
I got back to a few things, for one a lot of messages but one in particular I didn’t expect and that left me more perplexed than before. I got a message that could be a reason I end this blog. I find myself feeling insanely guilty that yet again, I’ve caused pain. I don’t want to though, it’s where I collect my thoughts, and feel like I’m being heard. I didn’t know how to reply, I wanted to say something, try and lunge towards the closure I’m seeking, I’m needing. I couldn’t though, I don’t know how that conversation starts, I tried though, at least in my dumb ass mind, I wish it were as easy as what my friend told me. As easy as just understanding the fact that we’re different people and that that understanding would grant the closure. I don’t know how to get to that. It’s not that fucking easy.
Alongside that I’m having this massive cloud of sadness passing me and I know it’s my trauma associated with packing, the losing of a safe space that kills me. I wish I didn’t feel that way. We’ve been smoking though, trying to distract my mind, that’s just crazy flooded with shit right now.
I just want to go home, I just want closure, I just want it to be easier.
A Sane Undertaking 