https://reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/hamza-abdulla/
Autumn.
It's about that time of the year when changes are in the air. People close to me are now starting different chapters of their lives. An old friend of mine took 'the long way' but finished his Masters, so onto bigger and better things for him. My partner is leaving for Italy in the morning … Continue reading Autumn.
It hasn’t been working.
I'm not sure but my WordPress hasn't been loading, I haven't been able to post in the past month or two.
fraudulent
"I don't know if you feel this too, but sometimes I feel like who I am now is a fraud. What if the growth I've attempted has been a lie? What if I'm the same person I now despise? And I think that part of us never dies. We simply learn to tame it. Surround … Continue reading fraudulent
Disgusting Addicts
This is a short dialogue between my girlfriend and I, we're still getting to know each other. I said (in regards to my past): People often think, though they know it's bad and shit, but they still, like a tiny part of them thinks that oh it must've been some life. All this shit I … Continue reading Disgusting Addicts
27
Yesterday, I turned 27. Continuation: It's been nearly a week since my birthday. There's a quote by Henry de Montherlant, "happiness writes in white ink on a white page." That's why I've been struggling, truly. I haven't been able to piece words together to write short stories let alone add something to this blog. Here, … Continue reading 27
Intellectual Stimulation
There's this really sweet tradition my hubbi and I have formed. We send each other emails, regularly, and in those emails we talk about the thoughts in our minds while we spend our day updating each other about our lives, oh yeah and living them obviously. It's a really nice tradition. That and the nightly … Continue reading Intellectual Stimulation
Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
I'm at the same age as my father was when he had my elder brother. Just shy of 27. I've experienced quite a bit of life up until this point, whilst also not having actually seen much. I suppose the grass is also greener on the other side, but I also suppose it's quite like … Continue reading Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
So? Jupiter.
Cute. Someone sweet wrote this, told me I remind them of Jupiter. So Jupiter has this presence about it. It's not just being the biggest out there, it literally dominates. You do or have the capacity to I believe. It's like the charisma and ppl gravitating towards you as you've mentioned, which honestly in my … Continue reading So? Jupiter.
box to box ++
It doesn't make any sense to me how even after being confined in a cell I can still feel boxed in. These places, these spaces, the same 4 fucking walls and not a single giant meadow sight. It's difficult for me, most of the time I don't like to be out and about, I do … Continue reading box to box ++
A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
This was written 3 years ago. Hey, I hope you're doing well. I really hope you are. It's such a tough time for me. There's so much confusion so much angst so much agitation. H* and I just had our ickiest breakup, maybe it's the last one. I'm sure you are at a better place … Continue reading A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
who I never wanted to become
What began as a conversation about how I have patterns, how every now and then I do the same things, date the same kinds of women, fall into narcissistic cycles, develop bonds that are only based on utility and just engage in heinous acts of self destruction. Though I talked to her about them in … Continue reading who I never wanted to become
ice cream sandwich
It feels like it was a lifetime ago. I suppose it was. It's been 8 years since we sat on that windowsill, our legs hanging out, you holding my arm so I wouldn't fall. You remember that ice cream sandwich we made? Slabs of that oreo ice cream smothered between two subway cookies. Enough sugar … Continue reading ice cream sandwich
pain that hurts and pain that alters
There's a common understanding that pain is a perpetual part of life. Given that, there's also a perspective that observes that there are two kinds, the pain that hurts and the pain that alters. I've been reading this compilation of poetry written by an acquaintance of mine; that's led me to focus on the implications … Continue reading pain that hurts and pain that alters
Heart Attack?
I've got so many drafts, my relationship with God, another called pain that alters. Yet I can't seem to write. I can't seem to connect with my conscious enough to actively get to an understanding between my mind and my body. I even write this knowing that since the past 10 days I've perpetually felt … Continue reading Heart Attack?
Nostalgia
Things have started to bother me again. I feel stuck in this cycle that I just don't know how to cut off permanently. My dreams have become this constant onslaught following the theme of completionism. Almost every dream I have has something or another to do with being left behind. Just recently I had this … Continue reading Nostalgia
A prayer to the sea
I met her 4 years ago. The night was innocent, as young as we were. A casual smile was all it took. We were at a party, a mutual friends, though neither of us are friends with that particular person anymore. Time passed, lessons were learnt, trust is easy to gain but very hard to … Continue reading A prayer to the sea
nightmare
I've not had any nightmares in quite some time, at least not any memorable ones. Today I had a very intense one, which is wild because I take enough sleeping supplements to just dose off and wake up several hours later. Though this one had 3 people from my past life. My most recent ex, … Continue reading nightmare
Short Story: A Conversation with my Best Friend.
Part 1 I have to get you out of my system. What’s there going to be left? Something. Anything. Anything is better than this. You ruin every single good thing I build. Do I? Or do we just build them so we can destroy them together. What makes you feel like you even build anything? … Continue reading Short Story: A Conversation with my Best Friend.
sometimes i get it
sometimes this becomes something it isn't supposed to be. sometimes the focus to grammar is forsaken for the intention of being authentic. don't we all think in lower case most of the time? Someone asked me to write about who I would like to be as a person. There's this question I asked myself in … Continue reading sometimes i get it
they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
The last few posts have been letters that I had written whilst incarcerated. They are part of a much larger series. I had a lot to atone for, and quite a lot of forgiveness to seek out. I can't be too sure because it's hard to be particularly objective when it comes to thinking of … Continue reading they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
CJD
another letter written in prison. Hey, I hope this finds you well. Whenever and wherever it does. It's been quite sometime (nearly two months) however I suppose for most people it is no time at all. Here I've been given a lot of time by God to think and repent for all the sins and … Continue reading CJD
To BAC
Written in prison, each part is one month apart. to baby bri, Hey it's been some time since we spoke I often think of you and your memories help me stay sane. Jail is not as bad as people think however they fuck you with the uncertainty of not knowing how long you are here. … Continue reading To BAC
HJ
A letter written in prison that I don't believe I'll ever send out to her. To the dearest HJ, I can't believe that it took me landing myself in prison to be able to say this. You were right. You were right about the company I kept. Namely fagnan (changed the name, kept the sentiment). … Continue reading HJ
day after day
I'd like to learn how to make a website so I can start compiling my fiction writings on a website with my name. I have no idea where to start, it's all just a bunch of confusing bullshit... it's not even the code, it's just completely not knowing what to do... I can buy a … Continue reading day after day
only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
When is enough really enough? Is there ever an ending or does one just keep moving the goal post ahead inch by inch, mile by mile. I was just picking which sleep story to listen to and I happen to come across this ummm cover of this song called closer. It used to be quite … Continue reading only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
Copper and Cast Iron
Khaled had never seen so many different kinds of steel before. The textures were so real; the copper, the stainless steel, the cast iron and the latest carbon steel, they were old but in perfect condition. Better than perfect really, the pans were seasoned.They stood alert as she walked in.“Good Morning everyone!” sending shrills down … Continue reading Copper and Cast Iron
The Baker’s Dream
To say my story is one of excitement and adventure would be an understatement. I would much rather ask for your hand in mine and try, to the best of my ability to ask you to understand. You see, I grew up just shy of a small town named Canterbury in Kent, south of England. … Continue reading The Baker’s Dream
a short walk
A Short Walk I remember the weather well that day; it was bright, but half the sky was dark. There was a divide that didn’t particularly make sense to me. Thunder and lightning were brewing on the right and the bright sun on the right. The physics still doesn’t make sense to me. I was … Continue reading a short walk
The Tangerine Tree
The Tangerine Tree On the seventh day he found himself free. The day began as a simple trip to a grove to pick up a few tangerines for his mother and ended up as Mero’s hardest challenge yet. He had found himself in a grove filled with the plushest meadows. His feet submerged in the … Continue reading The Tangerine Tree
Cicen’s Trial
And as he sat on the pebbly beach he had endeavored upon, his journey was just but concluded. The worm wrapped around his index finger crawling in circles, creeping closer and closer to its own end but never wrapping itself to conclusion. His final task upon him, the end just so near to his sight. … Continue reading Cicen’s Trial
bare of stimulants
It's rare for there to be something to say, something so genuine that sharing it brings about a certain betterment to this world. A certain growth to those that allow the information to truly sink in. I learnt something, I've learnt it over several years but today I think I can clearly articulate it. Understanding … Continue reading bare of stimulants
mother part 1
i struggle to write this one. I keep returning back to this just because there's a lot to say and I don't feel like I could fairly convey my feelings properly. I don't come from much, when I was a kid both my parents worked and my father wasn't around at times. Though my mother … Continue reading mother part 1
Heartbreak 2018
This is from my old blog. I used to be so unaccountable it's disturbing. If she texted this version of me all I'd say about this post is wow what a cunt I used to be huh? Guess I'm still a little fucking icky though. Damn I really thought so much of myself even though … Continue reading Heartbreak 2018
“paranoid piece of shit”
she said, stop victimizing me in your head.she said she shouldn't have called me to find her cat not because I'm soft and it would hurt me but because I'm cruel.she says I'm a paranoid piece of shit. Wait a second, shouldn't she have not called me because she cheated on me and disrespected my … Continue reading “paranoid piece of shit”
dream away
hey little baby,why'd you have to go so stir crazy?adjacent the florist, you were my company,across the street, I'd stare at your balcony.in your heels you'd dance,and end up in my arms perchance.your eyes lit up a spark,and oh did you make me smile, when you'd bark.if only things weren't so tough,could not much have … Continue reading dream away
being a kid//the voices in my head
I noticed someone reading my old posts, so I went through one of them. "you and I". Fuck I couldn't remember the rawness of the emotion I felt for C, I was such a child. Being a kid but feeling like an adult is such a surreal moment. I'm grateful that through this blog I … Continue reading being a kid//the voices in my head
P.S I love you
--- I don't particularly know how to start this but today I opened my Netflix to watch some shit show while I ate my 2AM boiled eggs, life's just icky with this clean ass food at this point. I noticed that the movie P.S I love you had been watched. I assume it's my ex, … Continue reading P.S I love you
Like father like son.
This is a post from August 2020, I can't believe I caused my mother the exact same pain 4 years later. I'll write more about this tomorrow. Today whilst I was sleeping and dreaming about crying in the arms of an ex-girlfriend of mine, at around 9 AM, I had another reason to cry actualize … Continue reading Like father like son.
you just hurt people and you’re fine with them hurting you
fuck that. i do bad things it doesn't mean i'm ok with them happening to me. it means i'm sorry and doing better so fuck me for thinking others are too.
what are you so afraid of?
This platform started of as a place for me to express me thoughts and practice literary writing, then at times it became a place where I would speak to myself or people close to me without needing to filter myself. I don't appreciate how it became the latter. If anyone has something to say to … Continue reading what are you so afraid of?
ada
I write this against my better judgments. There's a post I have on here, some years ago, called 'It's my soul, It's not yours anymore.' It was about this feeling that the partner I had, C, was my only person, my soul, my end-game. She was the first person who I had fallen in love … Continue reading ada
A burning sea
something I wrote quite a long time ago. before my feelings had changed. before the good came and before the bad. A Burning Sea I hoped that this story would be one that would never have to be written, yet here I am seated in a coffee shop I frequent quite regularly typing away at … Continue reading A burning sea
The Past Few Days
Goodbye was on Valentines Day. It's been 4 days now since I last spoke to her. I've found out a few things about myself, about her, and about the dynamic of our relationship. In my earlier posts I referred to myself as a pitstop, as someone that was just a temporary experience she had. I … Continue reading The Past Few Days
Day 2: I hope you are well.
Though today was harder than yesterday I still feel the same way on the most basal levels. Another day without her. I know she's wronged me. I know it's supposed to be unforgivable. I know I'm supposed to resent her, hate her, want her to feel the pain I feel. But. I don't want any … Continue reading Day 2: I hope you are well.
Pit Stop
I talked to my friend about the cheating. He says there's no way you can consider ever getting back together with her after how she violated you. Wild that I told him what hurts me most is that it isn't even a choice I have the ability to make. She's processing I.E figuring out why … Continue reading Pit Stop
Day 1 after being cheated on
It's the first day after she talked to her ex and came back to me and said she chooses me (or well she regrets cheating and wants to work on things). Though now things have changed. She needs to process. I'm sitting here, at home after 5 days almost of not being home for longer … Continue reading Day 1 after being cheated on
To be cheated on.
I'm sure in the past few posts some of my readers can understand how I felt about my partner. How I feel about my partner. On Friday, she cheated on me with her ex. The point of this is to ramble but also to get out the way I feel. To maybe make some sense … Continue reading To be cheated on.
lust and desire
Sometimes, I myself do not know what I have written or shared in this blog and whether the thoughts I'm thinking are original or just repetitions. I know what I'm about to write is something I've thought extensively about but I'm not sure if I've ever taken the time to put the thoughts down somewhere. … Continue reading lust and desire
Cost-Benefit Analysis
It's so hard to find a job. Fuck a well paying one, just any job. I can't do what I used to do, and writing erotic novels again feels like its immoral to add to the porn industry that I fervently stand against. So those were the two methods I had of making money and … Continue reading Cost-Benefit Analysis
Top Lessons by a Top Man
Many things that seem threatening in the dark become welcoming when we shine light on them. There Is Nothing Wrong With Letting People Who Love You Help You. A Man Needs His Rest. Follow your passion and life will reward you. The only thing better than finding something you're looking for is finding something you … Continue reading Top Lessons by a Top Man
i believe in you – A
My last post talked a lot about her and how she helped me. I couldn't title it because there were too many things that were in my head at the same time. Though today, I'd like to appreciate the people that have taken time out of their lives to believe in me. There's no specific … Continue reading i believe in you – A
…
It's been around 3 years since the last time I've been writing on this blog in a present manner. Not just to say something... one thing after every year. Not just to reflect upon an entire year of mistakes and experiences, but the ones that occur on a day to day basis. Today's a fucker … Continue reading …
slow burn
I've been struggling to think, to write. I think it's writers block or maybe laziness. Or maybe now that I've been writing with an explicit purpose which is to get published I'm just putting pressure on myself to make each word efficient. Though I think it might too early to start practicing economy in my … Continue reading slow burn
Temporary
Last night I spoke to someone about The Sunk Cost Fallacy. Now I have two perspectives about these kinds of things. Let's start with the one I tend to believe less of the time than the other. Agreeing with it. Now, I'm a proponent of exiting a bad situation. Regardless of the kind of situation, … Continue reading Temporary
Destiny
If I was the person I'm used to being, how can I be the person I'm proud to be. I've been told that the comfort zone is where dreams go to die. But it is the comfort zone that allows space to dream in the first place. How can I dream in a place where … Continue reading Destiny
08/01/2025
My 12 for 12 January: I wish to learn patience. February: I want to learn gratitude & kindness. March: I wish to be employed. April: I wish to have a strong body and a mind. May: I wish to be stronger than myself. June: I wish for my families health. July: I wish for my … Continue reading 08/01/2025
07/01/2025
Today was a hard day emotionally. I wrote "A Burning Sea", which really put things into perspective about my feelings towards my girl. My heart aches constantly though a part of me feels a bit at ease. A very very small part. However, I'm still grateful for a whole lot: I am grateful I am … Continue reading 07/01/2025
Consistency
This blog at times became something it had no business becoming. What started as a place where I could talk to myself ended up at times becoming a place I would just come to be heard.However, with that said. This blog has always been a home for my thoughts and a place I can compile … Continue reading Consistency
Futility
It all seems kind of like a joke. A bad one. One that I'm playing on myself. Trying to live each day like there's not this giant fucking umbrella covering the sunshine. Telling myself that I'm warm and toasty when the second I look up all I see is how dark everything really is, how … Continue reading Futility
if it’s not money than what is it?
I've been reading some of my old posts to gain some semblance of an understanding of where I am in my life, after so much of it has gone by. It's hard for me to say that I feel like I'm back to where I started. Maybe I never left this place and the past … Continue reading if it’s not money than what is it?
Lowly Bastard
Every time I let her down, I let myself down. Arrogant Cocky 17 year old boy Condescending Man-Child A lowly bastard If you're respected and heard. Be worthy of it.
The End of an Era
I've lived with so many different people at this point. Over the past 6 years, I've had the pleasure of making friends I'd never thought I'd have, and losing some in ways I'd never have expected. I remember better now. The first time I left my home was peculiar to say the least. I remember … Continue reading The End of an Era
huh
I went to prison. I found my footing. It's deeper than the ocean floor, though at least it isn't on glass anymore.
23
Today's my 23rd birthday. I'm in bed with Honeya, it's nice. Peaceful. It's a bit after 8 in the morning, I met my friends at midnight. It was nice. Her and I have spent the night in a haze of love, of all kinds. She's in my arms, asleep. So adorable, her little sounds, her … Continue reading 23
and away we go
I've had this blog on private for months. I've been wondering what to say for some time now, like a proper send off. Over the past few months a lot has changed, I did things I didn't expect myself to do, and as a result of them created an intense sense of change, maybe it's … Continue reading and away we go
84: insecurity
I've been writing this since about 15 or 20 days, I can't even remember at this point. This is the longest I haven't posted in. It's almost been a month at this point. There's parts of this that were written then, and there's parts I'm writing now. Though it really doesn't matter which is which. … Continue reading 84: insecurity
I hate not sleeping
I am so motivated and driven in the day. To work, to create. Though after I'm awake in the later hours of the night or the morning. It's 7:20, I realize the reality of how hard it is to get published, to create and sell. I don't know what I'm doing at this point, with … Continue reading I hate not sleeping
83: The Path I’m Choosing.
Alright. It's taken me a few minutes to just figure out what to title this post. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szQdvAzGNwE It seems impossible to think I'm writing this, but if I don't seek the clarity I need to right now. I'll fuck some shit up REALLY BAD. Over the past 5 or 6 days, since Thursday night. I've … Continue reading 83: The Path I’m Choosing.
You’re Somebody Else – Flora Cash
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=qVdPh2cBTN0 Everything feels so confusing. It's all so hollow. I'm trying to look for some meaning, in people, in actions, in anything. I don't know it all feels so cold, so empty. I'm constantly struggling with my perception of myself. I used to fear that I wasn't acting in line with who I was, but … Continue reading You’re Somebody Else – Flora Cash
the past 19 days.
Some good news: the immediate problems with my family have been sorted, things are going back to whatever semblance of normal they once were. That all happened within the past 4 hours. The rest of everything I'll write is not really good. I wrote this on the 14th or the 15th. You know I remember … Continue reading the past 19 days.
On Hiatus
I'm taking a break. I can't do this anymore. My life is too fucked right now, to be able to even write about any one thing.I just hope it all passes.Until next time. I'm promising myself to not open wordpress for the entire month of August.Goodbye.
A Prayer
I don't particularly believe in a higher power, I just hope you're actually there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R98mtkC6N3Y I pray for another chance to be happy, I pray for one more chance. I promise not to take it for granted, the simplicity, the ease, the purity. I promise I won't be ungrateful this time, I promise to accept … Continue reading A Prayer
I am scared and alone
I am so scared and I am so alone. I do not know how to get through all of this without someone to fall back on. I can not take anymore of this. I can not do this alone anymore. Friends do not understand they try and bless them but they can not understand the … Continue reading I am scared and alone
I do not think this life is a test for the next. However I do believe that tragedies have a magnificent way of shaping people into who they are meant to be. Whatever that may look like. Nothing is okay right now, but we will get through it. One day at a time. One hour … Continue reading
Why won’t these dreams stop?
Before I get into the dream I just woke up from, this post isn't something I'm too comfortable writing about so I might take it down later. I've been writing a lot for work, a lot of romance, a lot lust, a lot of sorrow and just about everything else that comes with life, I … Continue reading Why won’t these dreams stop?
82: Drowning
It's hard when your sinking and no one there to pull you up. When the only way to not drown is to swim, and hope you make it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_WTHkBuqbg I finished this project I've been working on for the past 7 days, and I gave the couple a happy ending. As per the clients' … Continue reading 82: Drowning
81: If I Die – i die trying
I really don't know how to start these anymore. I don't have any reason to write anymore. The words I've written had for such a long time been conversational that now that there's nothing to say - I have nothing to write. https://youtu.be/WhFJllWQUT4 I don't want to talk about my day, my weird drive through … Continue reading 81: If I Die – i die trying
80: The Next Chapter
I've been struggling to find a title for this post. I was about to title it 'I wish I had the words to title this.' This one will be a bit heavy, probably. https://youtu.be/1afd7nFeT-Q I have been doing a bit of research into writing styles, I'm literally taking a writing style quiz right now, before … Continue reading 80: The Next Chapter
Heavy – Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara)
TW: Suicide https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q Everyday I come across songs that speak to me more than the average vibe inducing song. I know that I've heard this before, I found it through Kiiara right now though, I was listening to Feels when I found it. It deeply saddens me that Chester Bennington is dead. I remember the … Continue reading Heavy – Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara)
25/07/2020
It's been a little bit over a week since I've bombarded this blog with posts. JP Cooper - Satellite Life's gotten a bit simpler, taking a break from posting even though it was just 8 or 9 days from the last one (introspective one) has allowed me the opportunity to understand that constant posting is … Continue reading 25/07/2020
TW
I'm trying to spend time away from this blog but I feel like this needs to be said. I watched this freestyle on youtube that made me think of this.. People often think that they are helpful that they are present. They think that just because they say that they are there for you at … Continue reading TW
Phil Good – I’ll Fix It | Sofar Los Angeles
https://youtu.be/pUizbFJXMKw Sometimes I wonder if people change because of all the layers built up by their experiences in life or because the experiences in life strip everything away until you're left barren. I don't think that makes too much sense. What I mean to say is, does experience change you by adding on, or change … Continue reading Phil Good – I’ll Fix It | Sofar Los Angeles
Alina Baraz – To Me
https://youtu.be/Ik3HHmVuHio Here's to the things that make life worth living. Good people, good nights, good highs,good health, some tears, some stress, good music, great sex, to feeling alive.
79: the end of chapter 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaMq2nn5ac0 I drove all around the city with a friend today. I haven't done that in over a couple years at the very least. What you may think was pointless driving, was in fact exactly what was needed for this change. I drove from my place, 13 KMs to North Nazimabad, then from there we … Continue reading 79: the end of chapter 2
78: Bloom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5I79eakR8E I don't like the direction this blog is headed. It's become a place where I rant more than I observe, evaluate and repair. I don't like that at all. I think it's time that it blooms, it blossoms into someting more than the mumblings of my misery. My mental health has been fluctuating quite … Continue reading 78: Bloom
77: I’ve been lying
It's occured to me that I've been lying about something this whole time. I'd say that's the reason I'm up at 5:30 in the morning, writing. That would be a lie, too. I can't sleep, which led to me overthinking, like always. Somewhere amongst all that thinking though was the realisation that I've been acting … Continue reading 77: I’ve been lying
Dancing On My Own – Calum Scott
https://youtu.be/q31tGyBJhRY When the dust settles, it's just me by lonesome.
An Anxiety Attack
I'm at the tail-end of the worst anxiety attack I've ever had (I think). I literally haven't been able to breathe since a few days, as in I always have anxiety but the past few days I haven't had one full breath of air. I literally ran to my medicine basket and I couldn't find … Continue reading An Anxiety Attack
76: they say love is pain
There's this beautiful song from this movie collateral beauty. The song's called Let's Hurt Tonight by One Republic. Before I start this post on how my senses are failing me, and I'm feeling less and less like this world is real. I'll share a short story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wGN7D03Nho I remember when this movie came out in … Continue reading 76: they say love is pain
75: no one but myself
I'm inching closer to 100 posts on Meditations, almost 200 in total. Think they might come at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SssfR6gMSWQ It's about 4 AM, and I was just scrolling through my youtube suggestions, after binging a bumch of Graham Norton clips. Amongst all the UFC, Comedy, and Cooking videos, there was this song. So … Continue reading 75: no one but myself
Suicide – Isaac Dunbar
https://youtu.be/gY1gnPpv3Zk It's not like I'll be here to feel the consequences. What's holding me back? It might end all the pain, but it'll end all the happy alongside it. No more memories to make, no more smiles to fake. No more sadness to suffocate me. What if it's not the end though. What if there's … Continue reading Suicide – Isaac Dunbar
74: goals and i
let's do this then. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxweUMdiYao For a couple years now I've been writing in a diary. Since 2017 I think. I don't know the first entry in the ones I have on me right now is Feb 2018. The blogging did begin before the diaries, so I've always been slightly comfortable sharing things in public. … Continue reading 74: goals and i
SMILE
I'm out of isolation, it's about damn time. Finally gonna meet my friends tomorrow. I've missed em so much. I'm about to write a very deep post about my relationship with goals, it should be live in a couple hours, but right now I paused. Cause I'm happy. Yes it might be temporary distraction or … Continue reading SMILE
Driving
I've always loved driving, but today was the first time I had an anxiety attack driving. I've been driving since just around 2016; legally. I drove so much up until the later months of 2018. It's like 2018 has become synonymous with the end of my happiness. Maybe it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zoc491E7_w4 Today was the first … Continue reading Driving
Bazzi – I don’t think I’m okay
https://youtu.be/TdZ2Vlrfk_0 I don't know why so many people go through the same kind of pain, but for such different reasons. We find ourselves addicted, changing. Our own friends don't recognise who we've become. I remember how I called my mom sometimes from uni fully fucked up. She knew I wasn't there but then again, what … Continue reading Bazzi – I don’t think I’m okay
Wish I Was Better – Kina ft yaeow
https://youtu.be/YPsjSWxm-LE I don't like how I wake up to youtube suggesting me this song, like I habitually put on music before I get out of bed, but like @youtube calm down with your suggestions. Got all me all wrecked and shit.
weakness
I hate not being able to stand without needing a minute to center myself. It's so frustrating, what have I done to myself to get this way? Is it the lack of nutrition, is it being at a weight I've never been at? I feel light headed the second I stand, maybe it's vertigo. I … Continue reading weakness
cries
As a look, as a glanceChecking, hoping by any chanceAs a ring, as a patterLonging for some chatter Running out of patience As a lone stare, completely awareCompletely unawareWhat I see, differs from what is soughtWhat is seen is only naught Running out of As a voice that echoes, but is not heardAs a plea … Continue reading cries
Flood
I'm remembering. It all. I don't know how and why, but it's all coming back to me. Years of suppressed memories. There's so much, I can't take it. I can't handle this.
73: i wasn’t the only happiness – or something like that
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4Km0M9x4Bg There's this persistent thought, one I can't seem to shake. One regarding my happiness. A week or so ago, I'm not too sure, time's a bit blurry, I spoke to someone, and it was in relation to my happiness in the past. I often find myself at the same crossroads that conversation left me. … Continue reading 73: i wasn’t the only happiness – or something like that
beach luxury
To build a home I got up this morning to see this song on a friends IG. I remember us listening to sad as fuck music a couple weeks ago, just to see who had the sadder song, this was my suggestion. This song always reminds me of beach luxury, which for most of the … Continue reading beach luxury
72: A letter to death
For an entity that might not exist beyond biology, you're one hell of a sob story. I always thought you'd speak to me in English when you reap me. After a lot of experiences, I've realised that it won't be through language we will communicate, it'll be through fear. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rflghuHtg8 I've begun to learn and … Continue reading 72: A letter to death
I have this weird fear
Saturn - slowed I have this fear. This weird thought in my mind. It's persistent, it's dumb, it's not dumb but it's just not acceptable. My friends not doing too well. He's been there for me in times where I felt so alone that he knew just being there was enough. I've failed him. I've … Continue reading I have this weird fear
Running on my mind – slowed
https://youtu.be/b_4kdOEcVbk I have a lot of work to get done, and I'm still procrastinating. I wanted to write this massive post, but this feels better. I don't know at what point in my life, I began to feel this way. When I'm not distracted, meeting/talking to people, I find that constant feeling of a muscle … Continue reading Running on my mind – slowed
what am i doing?
I've applied for this writing job, and I'm currently writing for it. Well, I need to start. I'm already late to submit it, but I feel like my skill in the English language, well my privilege is allowing me an opportunity to exploit my employer in regards to deadlines. Wow that was a run-on sentence. … Continue reading what am i doing?
Self Isolating / Detoxing?
you were good to me (slowed) I'm on day 5? Well I don't know I smoked before leaving for my flight at 9AM on the 1st of July. It's been a bit. My body is getting all weird, sometimes my nose starts running, it is right now. My throat gets itchy, but I think that's … Continue reading Self Isolating / Detoxing?
71: Defense Mechanism(s)
Today's the day it happens. Today we talk about my Narcissism. oof. This guy Narcissus basically looked into a body of water and saw his reflection and realised that he's it. He's the only one he can love, cause no one else compared. Alright, so I definitely don't feel like that, I mean I don't … Continue reading 71: Defense Mechanism(s)
70: i finally feel jealous
I have very mixed feelings about writing this, after a long time I'm writing to solve rather than to be heard. So excuse me as I attempt to talk about shit in excruciating detail, and be as honest as possible in an attempt to get on with my life. I've found myself at a place … Continue reading 70: i finally feel jealous
69: Graduation
3 years ago today, I graduated from college. I'd share a picture but I deleted them all in an attempt to forget that part of my life. I've had a crazy day. Legit made a massive checklist last night at 6AM and actually managed to get through most of it. I mean I did the … Continue reading 69: Graduation
68: Travels #3 Home?
I'd like to start by saying I'm back. Not at all what I expected it to be, there's so much shit. Fuck. I started this about 12 hours ago, but it's 5:07 AM and I'm getting back to it. I just rearranged everything in my room. It's pretty tiny, but after living in uni accommodations … Continue reading 68: Travels #3 Home?
Craziness
I'm here wasting time listening to the music playing in this airport, and I swear to God who even plays price tag anymore... like from Christina Perry to Lukas Graham, but price tag...that little sound echoed in my ears as I came back from brushing my teeth. Damn.
Travels #2
43 minutes to Doha, I'm getting tired of consuming shit, so at this point creating something seems like a good past time. We're on our way back home and we have been facing such crazy anxiety. Right after I wrote the last post, I got into line to check in for my flight. We waited … Continue reading Travels #2
Travels #1
Just got comfortable enough to write in Istanbul, I'm in the airport waiting for my check in which is in 2 hours. Whilst I was flying from Ankara to Istanbul I was thinking a lot about how dying on the flight would make me feel. keep on loving you - CAS There was a lot … Continue reading Travels #1
I hate this
I absolutely hate this anxiety, this feeling I get waiting to start my travels. I miss when I used to love packing a bag, I miss going to Dubai just to chill and pick up loads of shit. There was never any anxiety when I traveled then. Why does it feel like I'm going from … Continue reading I hate this
67: Goodbye?
Sweather Weather slowed Goodbyes are hard, I am insanely scared of uncertainty and I've been exposed to so much of it today. Waking up to go get cartons and pick my mom a ring up was a good move, I could've left it for the last day but I'm glad I wrapped everything up. Hopefully … Continue reading 67: Goodbye?
hey beautiful, happy anniversary/empty apologies
cinnamon girl - lana del ray Man I remember the 30th of June 2019 kinda well. I remember going for chai with M and Jin Baba and I remember how I sat there, depressed as shit. I was dealing with a lot and I felt empty in their company. So I came home, opened this … Continue reading hey beautiful, happy anniversary/empty apologies
It will be okay.
66: Un(be)known
I had a few posts in my drafts, this one, another labeled Hey Little Baby - Dope Lemon, and Dream. I added dream this morning, dope lemon had been there for a couple weeks, and this one had been there since 3 or 4 days. So I'll merge them all together I guess. This is … Continue reading 66: Un(be)known
All I Want.
“I lay in tears in bed all night. Alone without you by my side. But if you loved me. Why did you leave me.”All I want Kodaline - Slowed and Reverbed How can I even start this, this day has been long. I've gotten used to being disconnected for 14-15 hours a day, sitting outside … Continue reading All I Want.
Sleep?
I wish I could explain it well enough, this insomnia. It's just about 4, it just hit 4 actually. I'm baked, I've been up since 11am, yet I can't sleep. It'll probably be another few hours before I can get some shut eye, I hope not though. Last night I dreamed about someone I shouldn't … Continue reading Sleep?
Cookie Jar
I've found that when life tends to get real bad, real tough, it's best to reach into your cookie jar. What that means is, ask yourself this; if you're struggling say with an exam, say with complications in your life, say with a complex bout with your existential angst. Just ask yourself this, have I … Continue reading Cookie Jar
65: a,b and C
Hinder - Lips of An Angel - https://youtu.be/RiSfTyrvJlg I chose this song cause of a memory. I already know what I'm writing about, but I wanted you to listen this as you read this. I don't like writing posts about why I write, or how I began to write, and more shit that feels like … Continue reading 65: a,b and C
All time low – Jon Bellion (acoustic)
https://youtu.be/LZkDZFwzcSk Shit's broken.
daddy issues – the neighbourhood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4xtFdXJP0A You ever connect with someone too much? Like just get it too much? The first time I heard this song, I thought it was overly sexualising domestic abuse (child abuse specifically). When I hear it now, I get it a completely different vibe. For some reason it speaks to me about that person, the … Continue reading daddy issues – the neighbourhood
64: Memo(i)r-y
Often times I think I'll find myself writing a memoir, something spectacular. I don't assume nor even slightly believe my literary skills are sufficient enough to write something spectacular, but that's the point right? We learn. Though my greatest fear is not being able to connect to my own memories . https://youtu.be/SLrqm8F7TgM Recently, I think … Continue reading 64: Memo(i)r-y
Some time ago
Some time I ago I was talking to my therapist post an overdose, a psychiatric evaluation of sorts, to try and find out if I was self-harming, or it was a genuine mistake. I don't think it was a mistake, I don't think any of my substance abuse was a mistake, that I just made … Continue reading Some time ago
I’m struggling
I've been trying to write for 4 days. I have things I want to talk about, but I just can't bring myself to.
I’m Afraid
https://youtu.be/wqgyR0yBwek Haven't posted in 3 days, haven't had time to write, the motivation to write, or the need to reply. Last night though, I had this weird thing happen when I was faded beyond measure. It was, I suppose, a realisation of a disconnect. Though before getting into that, I suppose I'll juxtapose the intensity … Continue reading I’m Afraid
starting
I'm changing fiction to something else, something I can put all of this stuff on. I'm starting to take some Masterclasses. one in spoken word, and the other in worldbuilding. I'm going to document all of this on this category on the blog; whatever I name it.
Weird
Literally 2 days ago or 3, I was sitting on the hill with a friend or two and listening to all this fucking shit. Literally going from The Fray, to Snow Patrol, from Red Hot Chilli Peppers, to Hinder. I was just telling my friend that when you listen to How to save a life, … Continue reading Weird
18/06/2020
Well I've been elated since 9PM on the 17th, it's just after 2AM on the 19th. I've had a nice day. My friends from all over got on a Zoom call and surprised me. I was genuinely not expecting any of this. Not the night, not the call, not anything, I was under this false … Continue reading 18/06/2020
In your hands
It's a bit after 5AM. I got off the phone with Addi just about an hour ago, had a nice long conversation with her about what the fuck I've been doing. She constantly tells me that I should move this conversation off the blog. That I should directly communicate with that which gives me crippling … Continue reading In your hands
birthday
https://youtu.be/6AQw8oy5dzo It's about 1:45. I was surprised to be called outside at 9:30. Hours before my birthday. Though I didn't expect a cake, let alone a box of j's and bottles. These guys really came through, thank you boys. What a memorable experience. I got back around 45 ago, and I'm completely gone. I'm drunk … Continue reading birthday
Turning 22
Calum Scott - Come Back Home https://youtu.be/rNCT91V5dQU I'm writing this at 9PM, I turn 22 at 7:30AM on the 18th of June. I wanted to cue this up for 00:00. I remember my 20th, it was back in 2018. I had an insane breakdown, I was running a fever and I genuinely thought I was … Continue reading Turning 22
63: One year ago today
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjSrWX7_7BY - Jaden - PCH ft. Willow Smith Sometimes I don't even know how to start. Around just about the 10th or 11th of June 2019, I had returned back home from Canterbury. Though what I expected to be home, was actually just packages, drywall, and empty spaces. These empty spaces used to be filled … Continue reading 63: One year ago today
62: What do I even say?
https://youtu.be/gFHtdYfSENk Last night, around 2 am on the 16th of June, I found myself writing. I was starting the cold/mess post I think. Writing has been hard as of late, every word is confusing. I usually find myself writing at this time of the night, it's just about 3 am at this point. This is … Continue reading 62: What do I even say?
cold/mess – Prateek Kuhad
The first time I heard this song was just about a year ago, I think. I don't know how I found it, maybe it was a suggestion from a friend, but then when I came to Turkey listening to it became a common occurence. At first cold/mess seemed like just about every other love/break up … Continue reading cold/mess – Prateek Kuhad
Hey There Delilah – Plain White T’s
https://youtu.be/h_m-BjrxmgI As each word is spoken, memories arise from years I forgot existed. Times of sticking post it notes to my face for attention. Is there a song that aches more but demands to be sung along to?
Blame
It's important to accept blame, to an extent most things I've done, I'm to be blamed. It is hard when you have to realise there's a line. A line after which you're accepting blame that is not yours to except. I rarely feel that way, I'm the cause of so much anxiety, so much suffering, … Continue reading Blame
Aron Wright – You’re the last thing on my mind
https://youtu.be/nkLd-o64t9A When you find yourself at a point in your life where you realise you packed up your own happiness and set it free in a stream, a stream of struggle. You made the decisions you did for your own betterment, but all that's left is a box of broken memories, a journal of angst … Continue reading Aron Wright – You’re the last thing on my mind
Tell me something please
I'm lost in thought of whether there was never any trust, or were my betrayals the cause of its decay. An answer would be nice. I have this long letter I've been meaning to write, like the one I struggled to discard, the one I memorised. I don't think I should write it.
The days
Long days https://youtu.be/Il7Nv270zNk The past 4 or 5 days have been filled with constant intoxication that attempting to break the days up would be insanely hard, being elevated from the moment of awakening to passing out, it's a haze. I made a flower of little dead buds, and it came out pretty. Here it is: … Continue reading The days
It is hard
Literally just got back from a nice day (post coming soon), and got comfortable in bed, still have all my jewellery on so not yet completely barren. A thought came to me due to some provocation, is it possible that I've never been trusted? I've had long term friends, relationships (one that I was forced … Continue reading It is hard
Post Malone – Better Now
https://youtu.be/UYwF-jdcVjY This song, literally word for word describes how I feel this morning. Posty really got them vibes going.
61: Acceptance
https://youtu.be/MUmjKCjeu1A It's too easy. Thinking is inherently just easier than acting. I'll begin this with a few harsh realities. One of which, maybe the most fundamental one: someone dealing with depression should not be with someone who deals with a form of depression. Recently, I'd been reading quite a bit on this, not just for … Continue reading 61: Acceptance
Vancouver Sleep Clinic – Someone to Stay
https://youtu.be/Vq4LeTz3Ifw I mentioned this song in one of my early posts, back when I had my link on my Instagram. I remember someone I know telling me a day or two after I posted whatever it was that I posted, it was rough in January, not because of someone, just because of something I can't … Continue reading Vancouver Sleep Clinic – Someone to Stay
I’m done.
I just sent in my last exam, at 10AM. It was due around 11, I managed to run through it, economics has never been a problem really. I am finally done. I survived one fucking year here. I remember day 1, when I thought that I wouldn't be able to do it. When after my … Continue reading I’m done.
Midnight
The forecast said 0% chance of rain, then the clock hit 12 and the day turned to the 11th. It's been raining like fucking crazy, I get it though. You can't create expectations of the future, they always fail https://youtu.be/558V3SyPDbM.
A Sane Undertaking 