69: Graduation

3 years ago today, I graduated from college. I’d share a picture but I deleted them all in an attempt to forget that part of my life.

I’ve had a crazy day. Legit made a massive checklist last night at 6AM and actually managed to get through most of it. I mean I did the hardest bits, I made a resume, it’s looking pretty nice not gonna lie. Mainly though, I typed out a message to send to someone this afternoon, I didn’t want to send it late last night, it seemed inappropriate. Although sending it and partaking in the conversation that arose did help start the process, I do feel a little bit closer to closure. Though I also feel like I haven’t moved on at all. I genuinely thought I had, but it shouldn’t have hurt to have this conversation, not the way it did. A pain that’s how to describe it; something more likened to a realisation that I can’t have what I want rather than melancholy. I’ve always believed that I can get whatever I want, but the truth is I can’t. I don’t deserve it anymore. I’m not good enough?

Anyway, it’s really weird. Each step towards closure, is also feeling like a step away from delusion. Which is come to think of it, the way it should be. It’s okay to not be someone’s center of attention, anyone’s for that matter. I already feel the need to have the world spin around me coming back. That’s not a feeling I want, maybe I was just deluding myself telling myself I don’t need anyone’s attention anymore. Maybe I’m still the same person I used to be and this whole thing has just been an elaborate guise. Fuck I really don’t want to believe that. I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes, even now I’m asking myself, what the fuck have I even done to make myself believe that I’ve changed. I’ve just been distracted.

What do I even want man? I don’t fucking know, and I hate it. I want to be happy but maybe it’s not happiness I need to seek, but rather just stop this constant self doubt and overthinking. It’s not even that I’m being destructive, it’s that I’m not being productive. I’m stuck in limbo and I’m too comfortable feeling this way, so what do I do. I don’t want to get out of it, maybe all I want is to constantly clatter at this keyboard and act like it’s progress, act like I’m doing the right thing. How is it that something that brought me some closure, made me realise we both have changed immensely has me thinking that maybe I am the one who is still the same. Sure somethings might have changed, mainly externally, but if I was put back in the same situation would I act differently? I’d like to think I would, but can I ever be sure.

I don’t know how but it feels like 3 years after graduating I’m back to the same place where I was then, with no bloody clue of how to get out of it. Fuck. Why is everything collapsing. Was I ever my own lifeboat? or was it all just a fucking farce. I feel like I’ve been lying to myself this whole time.

That can’t be true though, I’m objectively not a dickhead anymore, I think. I should start being better from today, but what does happy even look like. How can I strive for something I don’t even know how to identify.

Fuck. This isn’t good.