weakness

I hate not being able to stand without needing a minute to center myself. It’s so frustrating, what have I done to myself to get this way? Is it the lack of nutrition, is it being at a weight I’ve never been at? I feel light headed the second I stand, maybe it’s vertigo. I hate having this weakness.

I hate that I’m always sad, I hate that my writing is always filled with so much sorrow. I just can’t take it anymore. It’s so much. Just so much. I don’t want to be this way anymore, not existing seems like it’s a better alternative. I hate being blind towards the people that care about me. I hate the fact that I don’t feel like they care, I hate how I feel like I am always there to listen, to help, to just talk it out, and I feel like no one is there to listen.

I absolutely hate how I think no one will understand, but the truth is, they will. They’ll say the same thing they always say. Go seek help. I have, I can’t. I can’t talk about somethings, certain things in my life, things that have happened to me, things that I’ve done. I just can’t talk about. I’ll probably finally yell them out as I open my mouth to allow the water in, as I drown.

I hate how all my music is sad, I hate how everything anyone creates now, is riddled with misery. Where are the good vibes? why can’t I find them?

I hate being this weak. I hate not having the strength to change anything. I hate not having the ability to make things okay, for me, for everyone. I hate being so helpless, so fucking weak. I hate how after finishing The Kite Runner, the first thought I had was why everyone is so fucking sad.

I hate how a fictitious story made me even sadder. I hate how finishing things makes me so sad. I hate how finishing something as redundant as a shitty anime, as a book, makes me feel so bad. I hate how I’m not strong enough to deal with my problems, I hate how I can’t even deal with the old ones yet. I hate this weakness.

I hate writing posts like these. I just hate it all.

I just hate myself for being this way.