CJD

another letter written in prison.

Hey,

I hope this finds you well. Whenever and wherever it does. It’s been quite sometime (nearly two months) however I suppose for most people it is no time at all. Here I’ve been given a lot of time by God to think and repent for all the sins and ill acts I’ve committed.

Initially, I didn’t even think to write to you. However a series of dreams and certain nightmares later I’ve understood that I’ve disregarded the things I’ve done to you. So much so that I forgot or rather thought I do not owe you an apology.

It’s been some time and I’ve come to many, too many realizations that I should have had years ago. Imagine that! You were the first love of my life and I forgot to apologize fully to you for everyway I’ve wronged you. From the acts of infidelity to just plain lying. Villainizing you so it would be easier to move on with my life, but enough chains end up pulling you back back after trying to move forward long enough. In this letter I will be as honest with you as I possibly can. Something I’ve owed you since the day you chose to allow me into your life.

I never once had anything or any interest in her, so much so that I spoke last to you much after I have had any contact with her. Sorry it’s a bit hard to write peacefully here. The truth is we were just friends and the doubts you had regarding that infuriated me. Though how could you not doubt me considering how I began dating you (in relation to how you were my best friend that I cheated on my first girlfriend with).

A plethora of my own insecurities: intellectual and physical at the time we were together led me to respond aggressively rather than put your anxieties to bed and tuck them in peacefully.

There was this time when you thought I was interested in that girl from college, I wasn’t interested in her. Though I was a slut for her attention. That in itself is utterly disrespectful to the relationship we had. Though to stroke my ego I liked the feeling of whatever I felt when I talked to her. I’m much older now: compassion and kindness should be given to everyone however affection should be reserved for those that hold a close space in one’s heart. She did not.

We shared so much time together. The years that build foundational elements in a persons’ life. We grew up together, you and I, with each other. You never deserved to feel disrespected the way I’d disrespected you. For that I apologize. For the feelings of anxiety and angst I’ve created or had created in you: I apologize.

So much of the love I felt for you was guised by the sheer amount of lust I felt for you growing up. Sometimes I forget that I had a crush on you for 4-5 years and then I dated you for the next 3. So much of my adolescence was about you, your beauty, and my desire for having something that felt utterly unattainable: you. I wanted you to be mine less in comparison to how I wanted more and more because it was ‘you’. I’ve experienced so much to some and such less in the face of others. Enough to know that I owe you an apology.

An apology for playing with your heart and emotions through the blog. For not securing the love we had and allowing doubt. For not leaving respectably, kindly and maturely. The way someone that loves or loved another should.

I apologize.

I do not write this because I have even an ounce of desire or want for you. I do not. It would be conceited and irresponsible to even subliminally indicate that. I write this solely to apologize for the acts in which I’ve hurt you, and to tell you that at times I think of how you dedicated a song to me or the birthday surprise at Nando’s and so much more that is entering my head now as I write this.

I loved you to the extent I knew love, though I did not respect you the way a man is supposed to maturely respect the person he loves. For that I apologize.

I pray for your success and well-being.

Stay blessed and take care.