It's about that time of the year when changes are in the air. People close to me are now starting different chapters of their lives. An old friend of mine took 'the long way' but finished his Masters, so onto bigger and better things for him. My partner is leaving for Italy in the morning … Continue reading Autumn.
Tag: life
fraudulent
"I don't know if you feel this too, but sometimes I feel like who I am now is a fraud. What if the growth I've attempted has been a lie? What if I'm the same person I now despise? And I think that part of us never dies. We simply learn to tame it. Surround … Continue reading fraudulent
Disgusting Addicts
This is a short dialogue between my girlfriend and I, we're still getting to know each other. I said (in regards to my past): People often think, though they know it's bad and shit, but they still, like a tiny part of them thinks that oh it must've been some life. All this shit I … Continue reading Disgusting Addicts
27
Yesterday, I turned 27. Continuation: It's been nearly a week since my birthday. There's a quote by Henry de Montherlant, "happiness writes in white ink on a white page." That's why I've been struggling, truly. I haven't been able to piece words together to write short stories let alone add something to this blog. Here, … Continue reading 27
Intellectual Stimulation
There's this really sweet tradition my hubbi and I have formed. We send each other emails, regularly, and in those emails we talk about the thoughts in our minds while we spend our day updating each other about our lives, oh yeah and living them obviously. It's a really nice tradition. That and the nightly … Continue reading Intellectual Stimulation
Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
I'm at the same age as my father was when he had my elder brother. Just shy of 27. I've experienced quite a bit of life up until this point, whilst also not having actually seen much. I suppose the grass is also greener on the other side, but I also suppose it's quite like … Continue reading Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
So? Jupiter.
Cute. Someone sweet wrote this, told me I remind them of Jupiter. So Jupiter has this presence about it. It's not just being the biggest out there, it literally dominates. You do or have the capacity to I believe. It's like the charisma and ppl gravitating towards you as you've mentioned, which honestly in my … Continue reading So? Jupiter.
box to box ++
It doesn't make any sense to me how even after being confined in a cell I can still feel boxed in. These places, these spaces, the same 4 fucking walls and not a single giant meadow sight. It's difficult for me, most of the time I don't like to be out and about, I do … Continue reading box to box ++
A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
This was written 3 years ago. Hey, I hope you're doing well. I really hope you are. It's such a tough time for me. There's so much confusion so much angst so much agitation. H* and I just had our ickiest breakup, maybe it's the last one. I'm sure you are at a better place … Continue reading A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
who I never wanted to become
What began as a conversation about how I have patterns, how every now and then I do the same things, date the same kinds of women, fall into narcissistic cycles, develop bonds that are only based on utility and just engage in heinous acts of self destruction. Though I talked to her about them in … Continue reading who I never wanted to become
ice cream sandwich
It feels like it was a lifetime ago. I suppose it was. It's been 8 years since we sat on that windowsill, our legs hanging out, you holding my arm so I wouldn't fall. You remember that ice cream sandwich we made? Slabs of that oreo ice cream smothered between two subway cookies. Enough sugar … Continue reading ice cream sandwich
pain that hurts and pain that alters
There's a common understanding that pain is a perpetual part of life. Given that, there's also a perspective that observes that there are two kinds, the pain that hurts and the pain that alters. I've been reading this compilation of poetry written by an acquaintance of mine; that's led me to focus on the implications … Continue reading pain that hurts and pain that alters
Heart Attack?
I've got so many drafts, my relationship with God, another called pain that alters. Yet I can't seem to write. I can't seem to connect with my conscious enough to actively get to an understanding between my mind and my body. I even write this knowing that since the past 10 days I've perpetually felt … Continue reading Heart Attack?
Nostalgia
Things have started to bother me again. I feel stuck in this cycle that I just don't know how to cut off permanently. My dreams have become this constant onslaught following the theme of completionism. Almost every dream I have has something or another to do with being left behind. Just recently I had this … Continue reading Nostalgia
Short Story: A Conversation with my Best Friend.
Part 1 I have to get you out of my system. What’s there going to be left? Something. Anything. Anything is better than this. You ruin every single good thing I build. Do I? Or do we just build them so we can destroy them together. What makes you feel like you even build anything? … Continue reading Short Story: A Conversation with my Best Friend.
sometimes i get it
sometimes this becomes something it isn't supposed to be. sometimes the focus to grammar is forsaken for the intention of being authentic. don't we all think in lower case most of the time? Someone asked me to write about who I would like to be as a person. There's this question I asked myself in … Continue reading sometimes i get it
they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
The last few posts have been letters that I had written whilst incarcerated. They are part of a much larger series. I had a lot to atone for, and quite a lot of forgiveness to seek out. I can't be too sure because it's hard to be particularly objective when it comes to thinking of … Continue reading they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
CJD
another letter written in prison. Hey, I hope this finds you well. Whenever and wherever it does. It's been quite sometime (nearly two months) however I suppose for most people it is no time at all. Here I've been given a lot of time by God to think and repent for all the sins and … Continue reading CJD
To BAC
Written in prison, each part is one month apart. to baby bri, Hey it's been some time since we spoke I often think of you and your memories help me stay sane. Jail is not as bad as people think however they fuck you with the uncertainty of not knowing how long you are here. … Continue reading To BAC
HJ
A letter written in prison that I don't believe I'll ever send out to her. To the dearest HJ, I can't believe that it took me landing myself in prison to be able to say this. You were right. You were right about the company I kept. Namely fagnan (changed the name, kept the sentiment). … Continue reading HJ
day after day
I'd like to learn how to make a website so I can start compiling my fiction writings on a website with my name. I have no idea where to start, it's all just a bunch of confusing bullshit... it's not even the code, it's just completely not knowing what to do... I can buy a … Continue reading day after day
only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
When is enough really enough? Is there ever an ending or does one just keep moving the goal post ahead inch by inch, mile by mile. I was just picking which sleep story to listen to and I happen to come across this ummm cover of this song called closer. It used to be quite … Continue reading only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
The Baker’s Dream
To say my story is one of excitement and adventure would be an understatement. I would much rather ask for your hand in mine and try, to the best of my ability to ask you to understand. You see, I grew up just shy of a small town named Canterbury in Kent, south of England. … Continue reading The Baker’s Dream
a short walk
A Short Walk I remember the weather well that day; it was bright, but half the sky was dark. There was a divide that didn’t particularly make sense to me. Thunder and lightning were brewing on the right and the bright sun on the right. The physics still doesn’t make sense to me. I was … Continue reading a short walk
bare of stimulants
It's rare for there to be something to say, something so genuine that sharing it brings about a certain betterment to this world. A certain growth to those that allow the information to truly sink in. I learnt something, I've learnt it over several years but today I think I can clearly articulate it. Understanding … Continue reading bare of stimulants
Heartbreak 2018
This is from my old blog. I used to be so unaccountable it's disturbing. If she texted this version of me all I'd say about this post is wow what a cunt I used to be huh? Guess I'm still a little fucking icky though. Damn I really thought so much of myself even though … Continue reading Heartbreak 2018
“paranoid piece of shit”
she said, stop victimizing me in your head.she said she shouldn't have called me to find her cat not because I'm soft and it would hurt me but because I'm cruel.she says I'm a paranoid piece of shit. Wait a second, shouldn't she have not called me because she cheated on me and disrespected my … Continue reading “paranoid piece of shit”
being a kid//the voices in my head
I noticed someone reading my old posts, so I went through one of them. "you and I". Fuck I couldn't remember the rawness of the emotion I felt for C, I was such a child. Being a kid but feeling like an adult is such a surreal moment. I'm grateful that through this blog I … Continue reading being a kid//the voices in my head
P.S I love you
--- I don't particularly know how to start this but today I opened my Netflix to watch some shit show while I ate my 2AM boiled eggs, life's just icky with this clean ass food at this point. I noticed that the movie P.S I love you had been watched. I assume it's my ex, … Continue reading P.S I love you
Like father like son.
This is a post from August 2020, I can't believe I caused my mother the exact same pain 4 years later. I'll write more about this tomorrow. Today whilst I was sleeping and dreaming about crying in the arms of an ex-girlfriend of mine, at around 9 AM, I had another reason to cry actualize … Continue reading Like father like son.
ada
I write this against my better judgments. There's a post I have on here, some years ago, called 'It's my soul, It's not yours anymore.' It was about this feeling that the partner I had, C, was my only person, my soul, my end-game. She was the first person who I had fallen in love … Continue reading ada
A burning sea
something I wrote quite a long time ago. before my feelings had changed. before the good came and before the bad. A Burning Sea I hoped that this story would be one that would never have to be written, yet here I am seated in a coffee shop I frequent quite regularly typing away at … Continue reading A burning sea
Pit Stop
I talked to my friend about the cheating. He says there's no way you can consider ever getting back together with her after how she violated you. Wild that I told him what hurts me most is that it isn't even a choice I have the ability to make. She's processing I.E figuring out why … Continue reading Pit Stop
Day 1 after being cheated on
It's the first day after she talked to her ex and came back to me and said she chooses me (or well she regrets cheating and wants to work on things). Though now things have changed. She needs to process. I'm sitting here, at home after 5 days almost of not being home for longer … Continue reading Day 1 after being cheated on
To be cheated on.
I'm sure in the past few posts some of my readers can understand how I felt about my partner. How I feel about my partner. On Friday, she cheated on me with her ex. The point of this is to ramble but also to get out the way I feel. To maybe make some sense … Continue reading To be cheated on.
Cost-Benefit Analysis
It's so hard to find a job. Fuck a well paying one, just any job. I can't do what I used to do, and writing erotic novels again feels like its immoral to add to the porn industry that I fervently stand against. So those were the two methods I had of making money and … Continue reading Cost-Benefit Analysis
i believe in you – A
My last post talked a lot about her and how she helped me. I couldn't title it because there were too many things that were in my head at the same time. Though today, I'd like to appreciate the people that have taken time out of their lives to believe in me. There's no specific … Continue reading i believe in you – A
…
It's been around 3 years since the last time I've been writing on this blog in a present manner. Not just to say something... one thing after every year. Not just to reflect upon an entire year of mistakes and experiences, but the ones that occur on a day to day basis. Today's a fucker … Continue reading …
slow burn
I've been struggling to think, to write. I think it's writers block or maybe laziness. Or maybe now that I've been writing with an explicit purpose which is to get published I'm just putting pressure on myself to make each word efficient. Though I think it might too early to start practicing economy in my … Continue reading slow burn
Temporary
Last night I spoke to someone about The Sunk Cost Fallacy. Now I have two perspectives about these kinds of things. Let's start with the one I tend to believe less of the time than the other. Agreeing with it. Now, I'm a proponent of exiting a bad situation. Regardless of the kind of situation, … Continue reading Temporary
Futility
It all seems kind of like a joke. A bad one. One that I'm playing on myself. Trying to live each day like there's not this giant fucking umbrella covering the sunshine. Telling myself that I'm warm and toasty when the second I look up all I see is how dark everything really is, how … Continue reading Futility
A Sane Undertaking 