HJ

A letter written in prison that I don’t believe I’ll ever send out to her.

To the dearest HJ,

I can’t believe that it took me landing myself in prison to be able to say this. You were right. You were right about the company I kept. Namely fagnan (changed the name, kept the sentiment). You said no one would be there when things got bad. You were right.

Forgive me for skipping the poetics and the prose but I’ll respect your time so we can move onto the important things.

I loved you more than I had ever loved someone. The connection I felt with you was unreal. Believe it or not, I respected and feared you the most as well. I know that the reason I disrespected and broke you was out of fear.

You once said to me that no one loves more but that no one is capable of more hatred or has hated more than me.

I pray for patience and compassion so that I never hurt anyone even by a fraction of how I hurt you.

I don’t know who you are now, just as you don’t know who I am. However considering I’m in prison, I’m sure your assumptions of me are correct.

I pray you’ve found happiness and even if you haven’t, that you’ve started to remember that it is possible. The reason I am writing this is because in jail amongst the people here, the time I’ve spent here, I’ve realized that it’s not drugs that made me the way I was, nor was it insecurity. You never gave me anything to worry about. I am a womanizer. Talking to people here I’ve quickly realized that my greatest sin is Zina. That I want an abundance. I’m sure as I spend more time here I’ll realize why I’ve cheated on every partner I’ve had until recent. It takes a real scumbag to blame it on the drugs.

To have said to you that I didn’t remember how we fell in love or how our love felt because of drugs is disgusting. Maybe it is the fact that I’ve been sober for the first time in years that is forcing me to swallow the memories we once shared. I can’t say I remember everything however I remember the beach; every time we went there. I remember the nursery. I remember the hand holding under the dhabba tables, you showering yourself with petals. You are just an unsurmountable force.

Keep moving forward and never ever allow someone to disrespect you even once. People like me only need one chance to know that we can get away with it. There’s more people like me than not.

I pray you’ve found or find someone that makes me look like a shit smear and doesn’t just act like I am one. I hope you know the difference in those now.

You are better, so I pray you stay better.

Love,

Kutta