It's about that time of the year when changes are in the air. People close to me are now starting different chapters of their lives. An old friend of mine took 'the long way' but finished his Masters, so onto bigger and better things for him. My partner is leaving for Italy in the morning … Continue reading Autumn.
Tag: love
27
Yesterday, I turned 27. Continuation: It's been nearly a week since my birthday. There's a quote by Henry de Montherlant, "happiness writes in white ink on a white page." That's why I've been struggling, truly. I haven't been able to piece words together to write short stories let alone add something to this blog. Here, … Continue reading 27
Intellectual Stimulation
There's this really sweet tradition my hubbi and I have formed. We send each other emails, regularly, and in those emails we talk about the thoughts in our minds while we spend our day updating each other about our lives, oh yeah and living them obviously. It's a really nice tradition. That and the nightly … Continue reading Intellectual Stimulation
Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
I'm at the same age as my father was when he had my elder brother. Just shy of 27. I've experienced quite a bit of life up until this point, whilst also not having actually seen much. I suppose the grass is also greener on the other side, but I also suppose it's quite like … Continue reading Who knew it would have taken almost 27 years?
A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
This was written 3 years ago. Hey, I hope you're doing well. I really hope you are. It's such a tough time for me. There's so much confusion so much angst so much agitation. H* and I just had our ickiest breakup, maybe it's the last one. I'm sure you are at a better place … Continue reading A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
who I never wanted to become
What began as a conversation about how I have patterns, how every now and then I do the same things, date the same kinds of women, fall into narcissistic cycles, develop bonds that are only based on utility and just engage in heinous acts of self destruction. Though I talked to her about them in … Continue reading who I never wanted to become
ice cream sandwich
It feels like it was a lifetime ago. I suppose it was. It's been 8 years since we sat on that windowsill, our legs hanging out, you holding my arm so I wouldn't fall. You remember that ice cream sandwich we made? Slabs of that oreo ice cream smothered between two subway cookies. Enough sugar … Continue reading ice cream sandwich
pain that hurts and pain that alters
There's a common understanding that pain is a perpetual part of life. Given that, there's also a perspective that observes that there are two kinds, the pain that hurts and the pain that alters. I've been reading this compilation of poetry written by an acquaintance of mine; that's led me to focus on the implications … Continue reading pain that hurts and pain that alters
Nostalgia
Things have started to bother me again. I feel stuck in this cycle that I just don't know how to cut off permanently. My dreams have become this constant onslaught following the theme of completionism. Almost every dream I have has something or another to do with being left behind. Just recently I had this … Continue reading Nostalgia
A prayer to the sea
I met her 4 years ago. The night was innocent, as young as we were. A casual smile was all it took. We were at a party, a mutual friends, though neither of us are friends with that particular person anymore. Time passed, lessons were learnt, trust is easy to gain but very hard to … Continue reading A prayer to the sea
they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
The last few posts have been letters that I had written whilst incarcerated. They are part of a much larger series. I had a lot to atone for, and quite a lot of forgiveness to seek out. I can't be too sure because it's hard to be particularly objective when it comes to thinking of … Continue reading they say you only realize you are content when you stop trying to be
CJD
another letter written in prison. Hey, I hope this finds you well. Whenever and wherever it does. It's been quite sometime (nearly two months) however I suppose for most people it is no time at all. Here I've been given a lot of time by God to think and repent for all the sins and … Continue reading CJD
To BAC
Written in prison, each part is one month apart. to baby bri, Hey it's been some time since we spoke I often think of you and your memories help me stay sane. Jail is not as bad as people think however they fuck you with the uncertainty of not knowing how long you are here. … Continue reading To BAC
HJ
A letter written in prison that I don't believe I'll ever send out to her. To the dearest HJ, I can't believe that it took me landing myself in prison to be able to say this. You were right. You were right about the company I kept. Namely fagnan (changed the name, kept the sentiment). … Continue reading HJ
bare of stimulants
It's rare for there to be something to say, something so genuine that sharing it brings about a certain betterment to this world. A certain growth to those that allow the information to truly sink in. I learnt something, I've learnt it over several years but today I think I can clearly articulate it. Understanding … Continue reading bare of stimulants
Heartbreak 2018
This is from my old blog. I used to be so unaccountable it's disturbing. If she texted this version of me all I'd say about this post is wow what a cunt I used to be huh? Guess I'm still a little fucking icky though. Damn I really thought so much of myself even though … Continue reading Heartbreak 2018
Like father like son.
This is a post from August 2020, I can't believe I caused my mother the exact same pain 4 years later. I'll write more about this tomorrow. Today whilst I was sleeping and dreaming about crying in the arms of an ex-girlfriend of mine, at around 9 AM, I had another reason to cry actualize … Continue reading Like father like son.
A burning sea
something I wrote quite a long time ago. before my feelings had changed. before the good came and before the bad. A Burning Sea I hoped that this story would be one that would never have to be written, yet here I am seated in a coffee shop I frequent quite regularly typing away at … Continue reading A burning sea
Day 2: I hope you are well.
Though today was harder than yesterday I still feel the same way on the most basal levels. Another day without her. I know she's wronged me. I know it's supposed to be unforgivable. I know I'm supposed to resent her, hate her, want her to feel the pain I feel. But. I don't want any … Continue reading Day 2: I hope you are well.
Pit Stop
I talked to my friend about the cheating. He says there's no way you can consider ever getting back together with her after how she violated you. Wild that I told him what hurts me most is that it isn't even a choice I have the ability to make. She's processing I.E figuring out why … Continue reading Pit Stop
Day 1 after being cheated on
It's the first day after she talked to her ex and came back to me and said she chooses me (or well she regrets cheating and wants to work on things). Though now things have changed. She needs to process. I'm sitting here, at home after 5 days almost of not being home for longer … Continue reading Day 1 after being cheated on
To be cheated on.
I'm sure in the past few posts some of my readers can understand how I felt about my partner. How I feel about my partner. On Friday, she cheated on me with her ex. The point of this is to ramble but also to get out the way I feel. To maybe make some sense … Continue reading To be cheated on.
Cost-Benefit Analysis
It's so hard to find a job. Fuck a well paying one, just any job. I can't do what I used to do, and writing erotic novels again feels like its immoral to add to the porn industry that I fervently stand against. So those were the two methods I had of making money and … Continue reading Cost-Benefit Analysis
i believe in you – A
My last post talked a lot about her and how she helped me. I couldn't title it because there were too many things that were in my head at the same time. Though today, I'd like to appreciate the people that have taken time out of their lives to believe in me. There's no specific … Continue reading i believe in you – A
81: If I Die – i die trying
I really don't know how to start these anymore. I don't have any reason to write anymore. The words I've written had for such a long time been conversational that now that there's nothing to say - I have nothing to write. https://youtu.be/WhFJllWQUT4 I don't want to talk about my day, my weird drive through … Continue reading 81: If I Die – i die trying
80: The Next Chapter
I've been struggling to find a title for this post. I was about to title it 'I wish I had the words to title this.' This one will be a bit heavy, probably. https://youtu.be/1afd7nFeT-Q I have been doing a bit of research into writing styles, I'm literally taking a writing style quiz right now, before … Continue reading 80: The Next Chapter
70: i finally feel jealous
I have very mixed feelings about writing this, after a long time I'm writing to solve rather than to be heard. So excuse me as I attempt to talk about shit in excruciating detail, and be as honest as possible in an attempt to get on with my life. I've found myself at a place … Continue reading 70: i finally feel jealous
62: What do I even say?
https://youtu.be/gFHtdYfSENk Last night, around 2 am on the 16th of June, I found myself writing. I was starting the cold/mess post I think. Writing has been hard as of late, every word is confusing. I usually find myself writing at this time of the night, it's just about 3 am at this point. This is … Continue reading 62: What do I even say?
42: if you decide to leave someone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7US56N9HZI&feature=share You will find yourself lost in a world without themBut you will healAnd in time,You will realise you are living without the one you thought you couldn't without. I don't know why and how youtube decided to suggest this video to me, but honest to God it could not have come at a better … Continue reading 42: if you decide to leave someone
41: My Relationship with Music
A list of just about 12 songs could potentially map out my entire conscious life. I suppose the most ironic part is most of them weren't ones I stumbled across, but were songs those from my past life forced me to listen to. The others few? Those I found trying to forget the same people, … Continue reading 41: My Relationship with Music
40: An Apology
Am I better or is all the growth a facade? Whenever I find myself listening to slater's slowed and reverbed music I always wonder what I'm doing with my life, I don't think the music has anything to do with per se but rather I think its just a coincidAnce. I'm just listening to Jungle … Continue reading 40: An Apology
39: Red
A fear of commitment. A fear of acceptance. A fear of intimacy. Even as I write this at 1:23 in the morning, completely faded, I find myself listening to 'Somebody to Love' on repeat. Whilst writing this, I am conscious of what exactly I'm allowing myself to feel. I didn't realise that I ran away … Continue reading 39: Red
38: Home
The thought of a place I belong, or a place I could unequivocally call home, has been on my mind quite a lot these days. Some years ago, home was an amulgation of a few places, a few feelings; those of comfort and certainty. Home was off tipu sultan road; a family that had dinner … Continue reading 38: Home
36: A Breath
Today I woke up completely hopeless. It's a tough morning when I find myself waking at 4pm, tired and exhausted. Upset at myself for not caring that I missed my classes. To be honest, I've grown used to mornings like that, or afternoons even nights. What happened today, that I at this point did not … Continue reading 36: A Breath
35: An Important Realisation
I think I've figured out where it all it went to shit. Several years ago, somewhere in late January I lost my uncle. He was assasinated, I don't want to get into the details of the event itself, but rather the proccessing of the event. I remember how I found out, my mother was watching … Continue reading 35: An Important Realisation
34: Finding Hope
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading 34: Finding Hope
32: Running from What?
I wrote a poem last night, inspired by The Haunts.It was my first attempt at writing completely free flow, it took about 10 minutes and I don't plan on redrafting. This is my interpretation and why I wrote it. I really can't think a title, it's been two days now since I begun to write … Continue reading 32: Running from What?
31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
"If everything around you seems dark, look around you may be the light" - Rumi I don't know but I can't fall asleep again, I think the insomnia is back. I haven't slept a relevant amount in the past few days, usually from all the addictions. Staying up late making it hard to think clearly, … Continue reading 31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
29: Solitude
I committed to writing everyday, but the past 3 days I couldn't post. Mainly because I was too intoxicated to have any clarity of thought, and whenever I got back rather than working I just kept rolling until I passed out. But today has been different, it's offered me a bit of clarity to be … Continue reading 29: Solitude
28: Isolation
A few days ago, my phone's dye pack exploded, and I've basically been going through isolation without it. I still have WhatsApp web just barely, and my iPad does ease the misery but honestly it feels really weird not having the world at my fingertips. Even now as I sit at my laptop typing away, … Continue reading 28: Isolation
27: The Tragedies of Habits
There's this book by Charles Duhigg called 'The Power of Habit'. I'm sure most people have read it or at least know about it, but basically it's about the formation of habits and how your habits whether concious or not dictate the way you live. We all know that habits can have a positive influence … Continue reading 27: The Tragedies of Habits
25: Rest in Peace
I'm not sure if it was the 1st or the 2nd of June. But in 2019 I lost one of the purest souls I had ever had the privilege of being around, I lost my grandfather. I'm not entirely sure as to what the cause of his death was, I just know he was incredibly … Continue reading 25: Rest in Peace
24: Trust
The past few days I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been busy with life and being happy. Speaking of happiness, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve experienced feelings of joy and security – I think its founded on trust. I’ve always struggled with trust. When I was younger, it was very hard … Continue reading 24: Trust
23: The Past Week
I haven’t been writing much for this blog the past week. I have been writing a fuck-ton of letters, but nothing for this blog. To be honest I didn’t know what to write about, nothing eventful has been happening other than I’m finally happy. Like genuinely happy. Though I am very worried about it ending … Continue reading 23: The Past Week
22: Fuck February
Ooof, this is a hard one. February as a month has been a hard one for the past 6 or 7 years. At this point I really can’t remember which year it was, but in 2013 or 2014 I had my greatest role mode taken away from me. It was the end of January I … Continue reading 22: Fuck February
21: I Know You’re Reading This
This is a message that all those that read this should hold onto. For you, I know you’re reading this. Every decision I’ve ever made has been intrinsically selfish, not because I don’t care about other people but because in my opinion every single form of human interaction, every exchange, friendship, love or even just … Continue reading 21: I Know You’re Reading This
20: Productivity
This past week I haven’t focused much on classes, missed quite a lot. It’s only the second week, probably not the best start. But where I’ve been lacking in focus for school work; I’ve invested a lot of time into making friends, and developing this blog, another one (that’s in the works) and a podcast … Continue reading 20: Productivity
18: Dream State
I’ve had this title in my drafts for quite a bit. I’ve known what to write but never felt like starting it. I’ve realised I tend to enter deep into my REM cycle when I sleep for an excess of 7 hours. I rarely tend to have dreams, let alone vivid dreams and sometimes maybe … Continue reading 18: Dream State
16: Misplaced Memories
I think I forgot the last academic year. If I hadn’t I don’t think I’d have made it this far. But I think it’s time to remember. Early in February 2018 I was accepted into the University of Kent (the easiest to get into from my UCAS but the last to reply). I decided I’d … Continue reading 16: Misplaced Memories
15: Update
I’m going to disappear for a few days, this blog will probably be my only social interaction. I find myself very tired, I’m tired all the time. I have these tremor-like migraines from exhaustion. I know the cause. It’s being there for too many people at the same time. I’ve always been able to deal … Continue reading 15: Update
13: Sobriety (the first steps)//learning to live by yourself
This post covers the past two days. I'm not really going to act like this is sobriety like... Maybe after a month. But I've started saying no more often, which has been allowing me the opportunity to focus more on my academics and the friends I've taken for granted the past several months. I've had … Continue reading 13: Sobriety (the first steps)//learning to live by yourself
Heartbreak.
This is definitely the most difficult post I have ever written. It is also the most honest, and confusing. Recently I ended a relationship I have been part of for just shy of 3 years, and what makes it hard, like really fucking hard isn't that it was because someone cheated, or because someone did … Continue reading Heartbreak.
Present.
As I lay and write this post, with my best friend creepily sleeping on the phone, I realize the immense importance of being present. Present in the moment of your own life, living every moment to the fullest, but furthermore being present in the lives of those that choose to love you. Being present at … Continue reading Present.
Feeling Undeserving.
Update. Thinking back to how different my life was 5 years ago, it almost feels as though I did not exist, and in a sense; I didn't. This compilation of emotions, memories, and all the other shit that isn't biological is pretty different to that which was present 5 years ago. Let me allow you … Continue reading Feeling Undeserving.
A Sane Undertaking 