Feeling Undeserving.

Update.

Thinking back to how different my life was 5 years ago, it almost feels as though I did not exist, and in a sense; I didn’t.

This compilation of emotions, memories, and all the other shit that isn’t biological is pretty different to that which was present 5 years ago.

Let me allow you to picture me 5 years ago. I was in 9th grade, part of that cliche group… one of those that thought they never break apart… LOL… I thought I was the shit. Like the shit. Looking back I wasn’t shit, other than an overweight underachiever. But now I am completely different. I’m super messed up, broken, confused, and mostly sad.

I didn’t say it was an improvement, did I?

4 years ago I entered into my first ever relationship. That marked the end of my friendship with those motherfuckers. But this relationship really helped me understand the importance of being independent which is why I’ll never regret it, I still smile at the thought of it sometimes. After a crazy year of dysfunctional relations… not all the time though, I moved onto my next relationship.

This one, I still currently am a part of. This is a mind fuck of a relationship, it’s with someone I actually want to share adult pampers with. Pretty fucked up, right?

This almost 3 year old relationship, allows me to grow daily. Whether or not in the same direction as my partner I still know that every single day I grow. In some way, it’s hard to explain. This one isn’t like a straight linear line, but rather an infinity sign. No matter how distant we both get, it’s always only for the short term, cause at one point we meet. and it’s back to sharing them pampers.

But sadly, I feel as though I’m losing my sense of identity. Having a partner for so long, and that too one with whom I share every aspect of my life with, does result in losing quite some independence. But maybe it’s worth it?

But alas, this post isn’t to discuss my relationships. Rather self reflection of my own identity.

I feel as though I don’t deserve the company of those that bother to deal with my stupid ass. But as the days pass, I do feel people getting distant. How I’d like to get a random call in the middle of the night and just talk about senseless shit like “Bakugan” and the dumb-ass education system.

But maybe I’m just not deserving.