when temporary thoughts take up a permanent place
It's hard when your sinking and no one there to pull you up. When the only way to not drown is to swim, and hope you make it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_WTHkBuqbg I finished this project I've been working on for the past 7 days, and I gave the couple a happy ending. As per the clients' … Continue reading 82: Drowning
I really don't know how to start these anymore. I don't have any reason to write anymore. The words I've written had for such a long time been conversational that now that there's nothing to say - I have nothing to write. https://youtu.be/WhFJllWQUT4 I don't want to talk about my day, my weird drive through … Continue reading 81: If I Die – i die trying
I have very mixed feelings about writing this, after a long time I'm writing to solve rather than to be heard. So excuse me as I attempt to talk about shit in excruciating detail, and be as honest as possible in an attempt to get on with my life. I've found myself at a place … Continue reading 70: i finally feel jealous
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7US56N9HZI&feature=share You will find yourself lost in a world without themBut you will healAnd in time,You will realise you are living without the one you thought you couldn't without. I don't know why and how youtube decided to suggest this video to me, but honest to God it could not have come at a better … Continue reading 42: if you decide to leave someone
A list of just about 12 songs could potentially map out my entire conscious life. I suppose the most ironic part is most of them weren't ones I stumbled across, but were songs those from my past life forced me to listen to. The others few? Those I found trying to forget the same people, … Continue reading 41: My Relationship with Music
Am I better or is all the growth a facade? Whenever I find myself listening to slater's slowed and reverbed music I always wonder what I'm doing with my life, I don't think the music has anything to do with per se but rather I think its just a coincidAnce. I'm just listening to Jungle … Continue reading 40: An Apology
A fear of commitment. A fear of acceptance. A fear of intimacy. Even as I write this at 1:23 in the morning, completely faded, I find myself listening to 'Somebody to Love' on repeat. Whilst writing this, I am conscious of what exactly I'm allowing myself to feel. I didn't realise that I ran away … Continue reading 39: Red
The thought of a place I belong, or a place I could unequivocally call home, has been on my mind quite a lot these days. Some years ago, home was an amulgation of a few places, a few feelings; those of comfort and certainty. Home was off tipu sultan road; a family that had dinner … Continue reading 38: Home
Today I woke up completely hopeless. It's a tough morning when I find myself waking at 4pm, tired and exhausted. Upset at myself for not caring that I missed my classes. To be honest, I've grown used to mornings like that, or afternoons even nights. What happened today, that I at this point did not … Continue reading 36: A Breath
I think I've figured out where it all it went to shit. Several years ago, somewhere in late January I lost my uncle. He was assasinated, I don't want to get into the details of the event itself, but rather the proccessing of the event. I remember how I found out, my mother was watching … Continue reading 35: An Important Realisation
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading 34: Finding Hope
I wrote a poem last night, inspired by The Haunts.It was my first attempt at writing completely free flow, it took about 10 minutes and I don't plan on redrafting. This is my interpretation and why I wrote it. I really can't think a title, it's been two days now since I begun to write … Continue reading 32: Running from What?
"If everything around you seems dark, look around you may be the light" - Rumi I don't know but I can't fall asleep again, I think the insomnia is back. I haven't slept a relevant amount in the past few days, usually from all the addictions. Staying up late making it hard to think clearly, … Continue reading 31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
I committed to writing everyday, but the past 3 days I couldn't post. Mainly because I was too intoxicated to have any clarity of thought, and whenever I got back rather than working I just kept rolling until I passed out. But today has been different, it's offered me a bit of clarity to be … Continue reading 29: Solitude
A few days ago, my phone's dye pack exploded, and I've basically been going through isolation without it. I still have WhatsApp web just barely, and my iPad does ease the misery but honestly it feels really weird not having the world at my fingertips. Even now as I sit at my laptop typing away, … Continue reading 28: Isolation
There's this book by Charles Duhigg called 'The Power of Habit'. I'm sure most people have read it or at least know about it, but basically it's about the formation of habits and how your habits whether concious or not dictate the way you live. We all know that habits can have a positive influence … Continue reading 27: The Tragedies of Habits
I'm not sure if it was the 1st or the 2nd of June. But in 2019 I lost one of the purest souls I had ever had the privilege of being around, I lost my grandfather. I'm not entirely sure as to what the cause of his death was, I just know he was incredibly … Continue reading 25: Rest in Peace
The past few days I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been busy with life and being happy. Speaking of happiness, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve experienced feelings of joy and security – I think its founded on trust. I’ve always struggled with trust. When I was younger, it was very hard … Continue reading 24: Trust
I haven’t been writing much for this blog the past week. I have been writing a fuck-ton of letters, but nothing for this blog. To be honest I didn’t know what to write about, nothing eventful has been happening other than I’m finally happy. Like genuinely happy. Though I am very worried about it ending … Continue reading 23: The Past Week
Ooof, this is a hard one. February as a month has been a hard one for the past 6 or 7 years. At this point I really can’t remember which year it was, but in 2013 or 2014 I had my greatest role mode taken away from me. It was the end of January I … Continue reading 22: Fuck February
This is a message that all those that read this should hold onto. For you, I know you’re reading this. Every decision I’ve ever made has been intrinsically selfish, not because I don’t care about other people but because in my opinion every single form of human interaction, every exchange, friendship, love or even just … Continue reading 21: I Know You’re Reading This
This past week I haven’t focused much on classes, missed quite a lot. It’s only the second week, probably not the best start. But where I’ve been lacking in focus for school work; I’ve invested a lot of time into making friends, and developing this blog, another one (that’s in the works) and a podcast … Continue reading 20: Productivity
I’ve had this title in my drafts for quite a bit. I’ve known what to write but never felt like starting it. I’ve realised I tend to enter deep into my REM cycle when I sleep for an excess of 7 hours. I rarely tend to have dreams, let alone vivid dreams and sometimes maybe … Continue reading 18: Dream State
I think I forgot the last academic year. If I hadn’t I don’t think I’d have made it this far. But I think it’s time to remember. Early in February 2018 I was accepted into the University of Kent (the easiest to get into from my UCAS but the last to reply). I decided I’d … Continue reading 16: Misplaced Memories
I’m going to disappear for a few days, this blog will probably be my only social interaction. I find myself very tired, I’m tired all the time. I have these tremor-like migraines from exhaustion. I know the cause. It’s being there for too many people at the same time. I’ve always been able to deal … Continue reading 15: Update
This post covers the past two days. I'm not really going to act like this is sobriety like... Maybe after a month. But I've started saying no more often, which has been allowing me the opportunity to focus more on my academics and the friends I've taken for granted the past several months. I've had … Continue reading 13: Sobriety (the first steps)//learning to live by yourself
This is definitely the most difficult post I have ever written. It is also the most honest, and confusing. Recently I ended a relationship I have been part of for just shy of 3 years, and what makes it hard, like really fucking hard isn't that it was because someone cheated, or because someone did … Continue reading Heartbreak.
My biggest problem is that I know just about every flaw of mine. I know and accept every little thing about me. Knowing I'm sad, knowing I'm tired of life, knowing the reason I'm ever happy momentarily is irrelevant and that my happiness will pass. Knowing just about every little reason why every little though … Continue reading I Know Myself Way Too Well.
I've been getting some sleep in these days, although it's always in the PM - it counts. But these almost hour long "naps" always end up with quite a lot of sweat permeating from my body. It's scary really, I wish I could just close my eyes get those 9 hours in, rest my CNS, … Continue reading Asleep.
I've been thinking a lot about life these days. How I feel as though I'm wasting my life, and as though no matter how much I strategize these days, I just can't seem to put anything into action. But what really fucks me up is how this feeling of dying isn't scaring me, I mean … Continue reading Apocalypse.
I feel as though I sit staring at the emptiness of a dark desert sky. I feel alone. I feel empty. I feel confused. I feel flustered. I feel as though my life is absolute, absolutely nothing. I feel as though it would not matter to me if I was non-existent. I feel anxious. I … Continue reading The Dark Desert Sky.
As I lay and write this post, with my best friend creepily sleeping on the phone, I realize the immense importance of being present. Present in the moment of your own life, living every moment to the fullest, but furthermore being present in the lives of those that choose to love you. Being present at … Continue reading Present.
Update. Thinking back to how different my life was 5 years ago, it almost feels as though I did not exist, and in a sense; I didn't. This compilation of emotions, memories, and all the other shit that isn't biological is pretty different to that which was present 5 years ago. Let me allow you … Continue reading Feeling Undeserving.
This one has had a long time coming, but I think it's important that I publish it tonight. These days I've been awful flustered, confused about how 2018 will treat me. A big change is coming. I leave for University in September, just a few months down the lane. Honestly I'm pretty fucking scared, considering … Continue reading We’ll Be Okay 🙂
I feel nothing. Not in the whole cliche 'i'm hurting and it feels like I have nothing' but I genuinely feel the lack of giving a shit to this extent is a problem. I find myself wanting to care. About the people around me, the shit going on in my life, my future prospects. BUT … Continue reading Do I Matter.
What's comes after? Death: The cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. In my humble opinion "nothing" follows death. In my opinion "nothing" is a concept far beyond human understanding. In my opinion "nothing" is where we originate and where we will return. But what is "nothing" ? Is it Heaven, Is … Continue reading Round and Round the Merry Go Round Goes.
A Sane Undertaking 