Do I Matter.

I feel nothing. Not in the whole cliche ‘i’m hurting and it feels like I have nothing’ but I genuinely feel the lack of giving a shit to this extent is a problem.

I find myself wanting to care. About the people around me, the shit going on in my life, my future prospects. BUT I don’t give the tiniest fuck.

I find myself feeling something, a sort of feeling of absent mindedness but the problem is I am present. I am taking it all in, but I just don’t care.

If the person closest to me was to die right this second. I would be broken, but not empty since at least to an extent I would act like I was filled with sorrow. Even though I feel at this point deep down I wouldn’t give the slightest fuck, I know I’d have to act like I do.

But the weird thing is… it’s not that I don’t care about the well being of the people around me. Of course I want them to be happy, healthy and secure. I want them to know that my feelings of not caring only apply to my own self. I wouldn’t personally care about the death of say a close friend(sadly) but I know that I would not want others to be sad and that I’d be there for them.

I don’t think I’m a bad person or a bad friend. Maybe a bad partner sometimes… a lot of times… but I just think I have an absolute shit sense of self. I would say I don’t have any self respect or self confidence, but not giving a fuck means I don’t give a fuck what people say or think about me, which often is confused with confidence.. but clearly mistaken, at least these days.

I don’t know what to do. I’m lost and I honestly can not seem to find a way out of this crap hole.

I know this little snippet is filled with confusion and self contradiction but this is just how I feel.