https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7US56N9HZI&feature=share You will find yourself lost in a world without themBut you will healAnd in time,You will realise you are living without the one you thought you couldn't without. I don't know why and how youtube decided to suggest this video to me, but honest to God it could not have come at a better … Continue reading 42: if you decide to leave someone
Tag: confused
41: My Relationship with Music
A list of just about 12 songs could potentially map out my entire conscious life. I suppose the most ironic part is most of them weren't ones I stumbled across, but were songs those from my past life forced me to listen to. The others few? Those I found trying to forget the same people, … Continue reading 41: My Relationship with Music
40: An Apology
Am I better or is all the growth a facade? Whenever I find myself listening to slater's slowed and reverbed music I always wonder what I'm doing with my life, I don't think the music has anything to do with per se but rather I think its just a coincidAnce. I'm just listening to Jungle … Continue reading 40: An Apology
39: Red
A fear of commitment. A fear of acceptance. A fear of intimacy. Even as I write this at 1:23 in the morning, completely faded, I find myself listening to 'Somebody to Love' on repeat. Whilst writing this, I am conscious of what exactly I'm allowing myself to feel. I didn't realise that I ran away … Continue reading 39: Red
38: Home
The thought of a place I belong, or a place I could unequivocally call home, has been on my mind quite a lot these days. Some years ago, home was an amulgation of a few places, a few feelings; those of comfort and certainty. Home was off tipu sultan road; a family that had dinner … Continue reading 38: Home
36: A Breath
Today I woke up completely hopeless. It's a tough morning when I find myself waking at 4pm, tired and exhausted. Upset at myself for not caring that I missed my classes. To be honest, I've grown used to mornings like that, or afternoons even nights. What happened today, that I at this point did not … Continue reading 36: A Breath
35: An Important Realisation
I think I've figured out where it all it went to shit. Several years ago, somewhere in late January I lost my uncle. He was assasinated, I don't want to get into the details of the event itself, but rather the proccessing of the event. I remember how I found out, my mother was watching … Continue reading 35: An Important Realisation
34: Finding Hope
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading 34: Finding Hope
32: Running from What?
I wrote a poem last night, inspired by The Haunts.It was my first attempt at writing completely free flow, it took about 10 minutes and I don't plan on redrafting. This is my interpretation and why I wrote it. I really can't think a title, it's been two days now since I begun to write … Continue reading 32: Running from What?
31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
"If everything around you seems dark, look around you may be the light" - Rumi I don't know but I can't fall asleep again, I think the insomnia is back. I haven't slept a relevant amount in the past few days, usually from all the addictions. Staying up late making it hard to think clearly, … Continue reading 31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
29: Solitude
I committed to writing everyday, but the past 3 days I couldn't post. Mainly because I was too intoxicated to have any clarity of thought, and whenever I got back rather than working I just kept rolling until I passed out. But today has been different, it's offered me a bit of clarity to be … Continue reading 29: Solitude
28: Isolation
A few days ago, my phone's dye pack exploded, and I've basically been going through isolation without it. I still have WhatsApp web just barely, and my iPad does ease the misery but honestly it feels really weird not having the world at my fingertips. Even now as I sit at my laptop typing away, … Continue reading 28: Isolation
27: The Tragedies of Habits
There's this book by Charles Duhigg called 'The Power of Habit'. I'm sure most people have read it or at least know about it, but basically it's about the formation of habits and how your habits whether concious or not dictate the way you live. We all know that habits can have a positive influence … Continue reading 27: The Tragedies of Habits
25: Rest in Peace
I'm not sure if it was the 1st or the 2nd of June. But in 2019 I lost one of the purest souls I had ever had the privilege of being around, I lost my grandfather. I'm not entirely sure as to what the cause of his death was, I just know he was incredibly … Continue reading 25: Rest in Peace
24: Trust
The past few days I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been busy with life and being happy. Speaking of happiness, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve experienced feelings of joy and security – I think its founded on trust. I’ve always struggled with trust. When I was younger, it was very hard … Continue reading 24: Trust
23: The Past Week
I haven’t been writing much for this blog the past week. I have been writing a fuck-ton of letters, but nothing for this blog. To be honest I didn’t know what to write about, nothing eventful has been happening other than I’m finally happy. Like genuinely happy. Though I am very worried about it ending … Continue reading 23: The Past Week
22: Fuck February
Ooof, this is a hard one. February as a month has been a hard one for the past 6 or 7 years. At this point I really can’t remember which year it was, but in 2013 or 2014 I had my greatest role mode taken away from me. It was the end of January I … Continue reading 22: Fuck February
21: I Know You’re Reading This
This is a message that all those that read this should hold onto. For you, I know you’re reading this. Every decision I’ve ever made has been intrinsically selfish, not because I don’t care about other people but because in my opinion every single form of human interaction, every exchange, friendship, love or even just … Continue reading 21: I Know You’re Reading This
20: Productivity
This past week I haven’t focused much on classes, missed quite a lot. It’s only the second week, probably not the best start. But where I’ve been lacking in focus for school work; I’ve invested a lot of time into making friends, and developing this blog, another one (that’s in the works) and a podcast … Continue reading 20: Productivity
19: Sesh
Much like the motif of time in “Quarter Past Twelve”, seshes (ranging from intoxicants to just talking about haircare. Literally everything is a sesh) in Turkey I've found are different from the seshes I've had throughout my life. Here, seshes are usually with the same group of friends, although recently I've started meeting people outside … Continue reading 19: Sesh
18: Dream State
I’ve had this title in my drafts for quite a bit. I’ve known what to write but never felt like starting it. I’ve realised I tend to enter deep into my REM cycle when I sleep for an excess of 7 hours. I rarely tend to have dreams, let alone vivid dreams and sometimes maybe … Continue reading 18: Dream State
16: Misplaced Memories
I think I forgot the last academic year. If I hadn’t I don’t think I’d have made it this far. But I think it’s time to remember. Early in February 2018 I was accepted into the University of Kent (the easiest to get into from my UCAS but the last to reply). I decided I’d … Continue reading 16: Misplaced Memories
10: The Meaning Behind My First Tattoos
This is why. “The Crescent and Cross” I think people often assume that the tattoo is a flag, I suppose to an extent it is true. I did base it of the flag of my home country. Just the concept of a crescent encompassing another symbol. That’s all that it has to do with flags. … Continue reading 10: The Meaning Behind My First Tattoos
The Dark Desert Sky.
I feel as though I sit staring at the emptiness of a dark desert sky. I feel alone. I feel empty. I feel confused. I feel flustered. I feel as though my life is absolute, absolutely nothing. I feel as though it would not matter to me if I was non-existent. I feel anxious. I … Continue reading The Dark Desert Sky.
Feeling Undeserving.
Update. Thinking back to how different my life was 5 years ago, it almost feels as though I did not exist, and in a sense; I didn't. This compilation of emotions, memories, and all the other shit that isn't biological is pretty different to that which was present 5 years ago. Let me allow you … Continue reading Feeling Undeserving.
We’ll Be Okay :)
This one has had a long time coming, but I think it's important that I publish it tonight. These days I've been awful flustered, confused about how 2018 will treat me. A big change is coming. I leave for University in September, just a few months down the lane. Honestly I'm pretty fucking scared, considering … Continue reading We’ll Be Okay 🙂
Do I Matter.
I feel nothing. Not in the whole cliche 'i'm hurting and it feels like I have nothing' but I genuinely feel the lack of giving a shit to this extent is a problem. I find myself wanting to care. About the people around me, the shit going on in my life, my future prospects. BUT … Continue reading Do I Matter.
Round and Round the Merry Go Round Goes.
What's comes after? Death: The cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. In my humble opinion "nothing" follows death. In my opinion "nothing" is a concept far beyond human understanding. In my opinion "nothing" is where we originate and where we will return. But what is "nothing" ? Is it Heaven, Is … Continue reading Round and Round the Merry Go Round Goes.
My Greatest Fear.
My own Mind. By no means am I fearless, I've just become adept at living in a state of fear to such a high degree that I have forgotten what it feels to be safe. My head space is completely fucked up. I'm afraid that while I write this I'll cause myself to become even … Continue reading My Greatest Fear.
Control.
Losing control. I often contemplate the possibility of an afterlife, of there actually being a so called "reward/punishment" for your actions in this life. It often perplexes me how in the event of there being a higher power, we have absolutely no control. That fucks with me slightly. In the event that it's true then … Continue reading Control.
May All My Mistakes And Achievements Be Entirely My Own.
I'm more confused than ever. As the sun sets and the darkness blooms under the crescent moon, I lay shattered tonight. Tonight, the constant build up of what I'm going to do in life has finally became the scariest cluster fuck I could ever fathom. I've been told that being confused is natural, that it's … Continue reading May All My Mistakes And Achievements Be Entirely My Own.
A Sane Undertaking 