Heartbreak.

This is definitely the most difficult post I have ever written. It is also the most honest, and confusing.

Recently I ended a relationship I have been part of for just shy of 3 years, and what makes it hard, like really fucking hard isn’t that it was because someone cheated, or because someone did something wrong. It’s because it was just plain and simply unhealthy. By no means was it an abusive one, maybe to a certain extent an emotionally abusive one for both parties. But it was a relationship that had to end in order for both of us to grow.

Allow me to give you all some context, almost 3 years ago I lost my best friend, I asked her to be my partner, and she said yes. Then begun the most perplexing time of my life. Years filled with the most beautiful moments I could ever imagine, years with a person who nursed me when I was ill, who loved me when I deserved to be thrown to the dogs, who cared for me even at my most sadistic moments. I was with someone who devoted their life to me, to loving me, to being mine. But I knew, I started realizing a while back, that I was destroying her life with this short term happiness I provided her. When someone devotes their well-being to better yours, it is the most beautiful act in the whole world, but also the most self-destructive and I couldn’t allow this person I lived so much to destroy herself, not even for me.

Now I’m not saying it was all sunshine and rainbows, I’ve lied to her a plethora of times, you can call me an asshole of a partner, I would agree. But there’s a reason I lied,  although I guess no lie is justified. She began hating the fact that I had a life outside her, she was way too insecure, and I know that it was because we began dating so early on, that we never learned to mature into being our own selves. We were just extensions of each (0.5+0.5=1 rather than 1+1=2) and this was a problem. In my absence, she was left with no one. I know how important it is to have someone, someone having your back, but it can never just be one person, especially not your partner, because sometimes you need someone to protect you from those you would die for.

Now please, I by no means solely ended this relationship just for her, I would never do her the dishonor of saying something as filled with bullshit as that. I got tired of lying, of hiding the fact that I was out with my friends, I got tired of not being able to tell her how much fun I had with them, I was tired of making up lies when she asked me how my day was, because honestly had I told her how it actually was, not only would it have made her sad, but rather angry. I think that I don’t deserve that. I know she did the same, even though I never had a problem with her spending time with her friends, I saw it as a time for me to relax, as well as an escape for her, but I guess deep down I just wanted the leverage. This is why I say this was an unhealthy relationship.

Three years by no means is a short period of time, especially considering I am only 20. She was my true love, the first person I gave my entirety to, I loved so fucking hard, and she loved me even more. Ending this relationship was quite literally going cold turkey on an addiction. Withdrawal is hard as fuck, and it still goes on. But what got me to finally write this post was because of the fact that today I woke up, and I missed her so fucking much, I missed those small memories we have of going to the drive thru every day post college, I missed how she held me. But today I wasn’t heartbroken when I thought about them. I was happy, I was so grateful for the opportunity she gave me, to be loved by her. I feel I finally accept that even though she may no longer be a part of my life (maybe a friend after years) the memories we shared shaped me into who I am today, she gave me the room to grow, when I gave her nothing. People tell me I’m too harsh on myself, I guess I am. I deserve it for robbing someone so amazing of their dreams, but sadly without me I know she will become a force to be reckoned with. Just not my force, but someone bigger than this relationship would’ve ever been, and you know what I will be too. This is as much my chance to be great, as it is hers.

Now I don’t expect every day to be as good as today was, nor do I expect every day to be as destroying as the past few were. But I will, so will she, and we both will be so different.

But in all honesty what pains me the most is the guilt, the fact that I stripped someone who loved me, of their dreams; to be with me. The fact that I threw away all her sacrifices and I took a leap, a leap that has landed me into hell fire, but I do plan on getting out of it, just as I know she too will be stronger by the end of this pain.

The thought of her smile used to make me breakdown, now it leaves me feeling grateful, grateful for all the positives, not just regretting all the negatives. I loved her leagues above anyone I’ve ever loved, family, friends, exes whatever.

The next few years will be hard, they will be different, but they will be a challenge I am ready to crush. It’s time I find my purpose, not just 5 year goals. But a purpose to devote my life too.

If you have gone through the same, and want to talk about it, do comment below, maybe this platform can help us all heal.