This was written 3 years ago. Hey, I hope you're doing well. I really hope you are. It's such a tough time for me. There's so much confusion so much angst so much agitation. H* and I just had our ickiest breakup, maybe it's the last one. I'm sure you are at a better place … Continue reading A letter I wrote to myself for my 24th Birthday.
Tag: depression
May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading May 2020: Dependency to Sadness
Heart Attack?
I've got so many drafts, my relationship with God, another called pain that alters. Yet I can't seem to write. I can't seem to connect with my conscious enough to actively get to an understanding between my mind and my body. I even write this knowing that since the past 10 days I've perpetually felt … Continue reading Heart Attack?
day after day
I'd like to learn how to make a website so I can start compiling my fiction writings on a website with my name. I have no idea where to start, it's all just a bunch of confusing bullshit... it's not even the code, it's just completely not knowing what to do... I can buy a … Continue reading day after day
only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
When is enough really enough? Is there ever an ending or does one just keep moving the goal post ahead inch by inch, mile by mile. I was just picking which sleep story to listen to and I happen to come across this ummm cover of this song called closer. It used to be quite … Continue reading only thing that’s promised is that promises are broken
P.S I love you
--- I don't particularly know how to start this but today I opened my Netflix to watch some shit show while I ate my 2AM boiled eggs, life's just icky with this clean ass food at this point. I noticed that the movie P.S I love you had been watched. I assume it's my ex, … Continue reading P.S I love you
ada
I write this against my better judgments. There's a post I have on here, some years ago, called 'It's my soul, It's not yours anymore.' It was about this feeling that the partner I had, C, was my only person, my soul, my end-game. She was the first person who I had fallen in love … Continue reading ada
…
It's been around 3 years since the last time I've been writing on this blog in a present manner. Not just to say something... one thing after every year. Not just to reflect upon an entire year of mistakes and experiences, but the ones that occur on a day to day basis. Today's a fucker … Continue reading …
Futility
It all seems kind of like a joke. A bad one. One that I'm playing on myself. Trying to live each day like there's not this giant fucking umbrella covering the sunshine. Telling myself that I'm warm and toasty when the second I look up all I see is how dark everything really is, how … Continue reading Futility
80: The Next Chapter
I've been struggling to find a title for this post. I was about to title it 'I wish I had the words to title this.' This one will be a bit heavy, probably. https://youtu.be/1afd7nFeT-Q I have been doing a bit of research into writing styles, I'm literally taking a writing style quiz right now, before … Continue reading 80: The Next Chapter
42: if you decide to leave someone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7US56N9HZI&feature=share You will find yourself lost in a world without themBut you will healAnd in time,You will realise you are living without the one you thought you couldn't without. I don't know why and how youtube decided to suggest this video to me, but honest to God it could not have come at a better … Continue reading 42: if you decide to leave someone
41: My Relationship with Music
A list of just about 12 songs could potentially map out my entire conscious life. I suppose the most ironic part is most of them weren't ones I stumbled across, but were songs those from my past life forced me to listen to. The others few? Those I found trying to forget the same people, … Continue reading 41: My Relationship with Music
40: An Apology
Am I better or is all the growth a facade? Whenever I find myself listening to slater's slowed and reverbed music I always wonder what I'm doing with my life, I don't think the music has anything to do with per se but rather I think its just a coincidAnce. I'm just listening to Jungle … Continue reading 40: An Apology
39: Red
A fear of commitment. A fear of acceptance. A fear of intimacy. Even as I write this at 1:23 in the morning, completely faded, I find myself listening to 'Somebody to Love' on repeat. Whilst writing this, I am conscious of what exactly I'm allowing myself to feel. I didn't realise that I ran away … Continue reading 39: Red
38: Home
The thought of a place I belong, or a place I could unequivocally call home, has been on my mind quite a lot these days. Some years ago, home was an amulgation of a few places, a few feelings; those of comfort and certainty. Home was off tipu sultan road; a family that had dinner … Continue reading 38: Home
36: A Breath
Today I woke up completely hopeless. It's a tough morning when I find myself waking at 4pm, tired and exhausted. Upset at myself for not caring that I missed my classes. To be honest, I've grown used to mornings like that, or afternoons even nights. What happened today, that I at this point did not … Continue reading 36: A Breath
35: An Important Realisation
I think I've figured out where it all it went to shit. Several years ago, somewhere in late January I lost my uncle. He was assasinated, I don't want to get into the details of the event itself, but rather the proccessing of the event. I remember how I found out, my mother was watching … Continue reading 35: An Important Realisation
34: Finding Hope
It's been an entire day-long struggle trying to write this, but I feel as if I need to. There's this song that causes me a lot of grief when I listen to it, it's called 3:00 AM by Finding Hope, the last time I heard it I caused my ex a lot of grief, it … Continue reading 34: Finding Hope
32: Running from What?
I wrote a poem last night, inspired by The Haunts.It was my first attempt at writing completely free flow, it took about 10 minutes and I don't plan on redrafting. This is my interpretation and why I wrote it. I really can't think a title, it's been two days now since I begun to write … Continue reading 32: Running from What?
31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
"If everything around you seems dark, look around you may be the light" - Rumi I don't know but I can't fall asleep again, I think the insomnia is back. I haven't slept a relevant amount in the past few days, usually from all the addictions. Staying up late making it hard to think clearly, … Continue reading 31: Addicted to Dependence // Why.
29: Solitude
I committed to writing everyday, but the past 3 days I couldn't post. Mainly because I was too intoxicated to have any clarity of thought, and whenever I got back rather than working I just kept rolling until I passed out. But today has been different, it's offered me a bit of clarity to be … Continue reading 29: Solitude
28: Isolation
A few days ago, my phone's dye pack exploded, and I've basically been going through isolation without it. I still have WhatsApp web just barely, and my iPad does ease the misery but honestly it feels really weird not having the world at my fingertips. Even now as I sit at my laptop typing away, … Continue reading 28: Isolation
27: The Tragedies of Habits
There's this book by Charles Duhigg called 'The Power of Habit'. I'm sure most people have read it or at least know about it, but basically it's about the formation of habits and how your habits whether concious or not dictate the way you live. We all know that habits can have a positive influence … Continue reading 27: The Tragedies of Habits
25: Rest in Peace
I'm not sure if it was the 1st or the 2nd of June. But in 2019 I lost one of the purest souls I had ever had the privilege of being around, I lost my grandfather. I'm not entirely sure as to what the cause of his death was, I just know he was incredibly … Continue reading 25: Rest in Peace
24: Trust
The past few days I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been busy with life and being happy. Speaking of happiness, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve experienced feelings of joy and security – I think its founded on trust. I’ve always struggled with trust. When I was younger, it was very hard … Continue reading 24: Trust
23: The Past Week
I haven’t been writing much for this blog the past week. I have been writing a fuck-ton of letters, but nothing for this blog. To be honest I didn’t know what to write about, nothing eventful has been happening other than I’m finally happy. Like genuinely happy. Though I am very worried about it ending … Continue reading 23: The Past Week
22: Fuck February
Ooof, this is a hard one. February as a month has been a hard one for the past 6 or 7 years. At this point I really can’t remember which year it was, but in 2013 or 2014 I had my greatest role mode taken away from me. It was the end of January I … Continue reading 22: Fuck February
21: I Know You’re Reading This
This is a message that all those that read this should hold onto. For you, I know you’re reading this. Every decision I’ve ever made has been intrinsically selfish, not because I don’t care about other people but because in my opinion every single form of human interaction, every exchange, friendship, love or even just … Continue reading 21: I Know You’re Reading This
20: Productivity
This past week I haven’t focused much on classes, missed quite a lot. It’s only the second week, probably not the best start. But where I’ve been lacking in focus for school work; I’ve invested a lot of time into making friends, and developing this blog, another one (that’s in the works) and a podcast … Continue reading 20: Productivity
19: Sesh
Much like the motif of time in “Quarter Past Twelve”, seshes (ranging from intoxicants to just talking about haircare. Literally everything is a sesh) in Turkey I've found are different from the seshes I've had throughout my life. Here, seshes are usually with the same group of friends, although recently I've started meeting people outside … Continue reading 19: Sesh
18: Dream State
I’ve had this title in my drafts for quite a bit. I’ve known what to write but never felt like starting it. I’ve realised I tend to enter deep into my REM cycle when I sleep for an excess of 7 hours. I rarely tend to have dreams, let alone vivid dreams and sometimes maybe … Continue reading 18: Dream State
16: Misplaced Memories
I think I forgot the last academic year. If I hadn’t I don’t think I’d have made it this far. But I think it’s time to remember. Early in February 2018 I was accepted into the University of Kent (the easiest to get into from my UCAS but the last to reply). I decided I’d … Continue reading 16: Misplaced Memories
15: Update
I’m going to disappear for a few days, this blog will probably be my only social interaction. I find myself very tired, I’m tired all the time. I have these tremor-like migraines from exhaustion. I know the cause. It’s being there for too many people at the same time. I’ve always been able to deal … Continue reading 15: Update
13: Sobriety (the first steps)//learning to live by yourself
This post covers the past two days. I'm not really going to act like this is sobriety like... Maybe after a month. But I've started saying no more often, which has been allowing me the opportunity to focus more on my academics and the friends I've taken for granted the past several months. I've had … Continue reading 13: Sobriety (the first steps)//learning to live by yourself
9: The Longest of My Nights
In “The End of Chapter 1” I touched upon my final night in the UK, but I don’t think I did justice to that somber night. It was the 12th of June if I’m able to remember correctly, and I had just left my final exam, an exam I gave knowing served no purpose other … Continue reading 9: The Longest of My Nights
7: The End of Chapter 1.
I’m realising that I’m using this blog as sort of a public reflection of my days. My day today, was filled with James Blunt just constantly ringing in my head. Every hour on the hour I would estimate I’ve been listening to either “You’re Beautiful” or “Goodbye My Lover”. It’s like I woke up to … Continue reading 7: The End of Chapter 1.
6: Closure
Closure. Gratitude I've had this draft saved for sometime. It just had the heading because I have been at a complete loss for words but I knew closure was something I wanted to write about. But today, rather than writing a piece about the importance of closure or about my relationship with closure. This piece … Continue reading 6: Closure
Heartbreak.
This is definitely the most difficult post I have ever written. It is also the most honest, and confusing. Recently I ended a relationship I have been part of for just shy of 3 years, and what makes it hard, like really fucking hard isn't that it was because someone cheated, or because someone did … Continue reading Heartbreak.
Scars.
FUCK LIKING THE POST, PLEASE FOLLOW. 7 months are what it takes for the most basic scar to fade. An eternity is how long it takes to get over it. Most of us have done things we aren't proud of, things that haunt us every night. Most of us have also had things done to … Continue reading Scars.
Asleep.
I've been getting some sleep in these days, although it's always in the PM - it counts. But these almost hour long "naps" always end up with quite a lot of sweat permeating from my body. It's scary really, I wish I could just close my eyes get those 9 hours in, rest my CNS, … Continue reading Asleep.
I Feel No Pain, I Feel No Pleasure. (Part 2)
To continue where I left of. The few friends I have are all very complex human beings, they aren't stereotypical happy go lucky teenagers. But nor am I, I guess. The reason for my attraction to such people is probably a sense of belonging, and a sense of completion. I feel as though if someone … Continue reading I Feel No Pain, I Feel No Pleasure. (Part 2)
I Feel No Pain, I Feel No Pleasure. (Part 1)
#Terminator. This will be my most honest and most complicated post yet. Since a long time now, I have been lacking the ability to fully feel, not as in I'm unhappy or I just can't seem to get angry, basically I feel something I guess: indifference. Indifference to everything, nothing seems to shake me and … Continue reading I Feel No Pain, I Feel No Pleasure. (Part 1)
Apocalypse.
I've been thinking a lot about life these days. How I feel as though I'm wasting my life, and as though no matter how much I strategize these days, I just can't seem to put anything into action. But what really fucks me up is how this feeling of dying isn't scaring me, I mean … Continue reading Apocalypse.
The Dark Desert Sky.
I feel as though I sit staring at the emptiness of a dark desert sky. I feel alone. I feel empty. I feel confused. I feel flustered. I feel as though my life is absolute, absolutely nothing. I feel as though it would not matter to me if I was non-existent. I feel anxious. I … Continue reading The Dark Desert Sky.
A Sane Undertaking 