6: Closure

Closure. Gratitude

I’ve had this draft saved for sometime. It just had the heading because I have been at a complete loss for words but I knew closure was something I wanted to write about.

But today, rather than writing a piece about the importance of closure or about my relationship with closure. This piece will be about closing a chapter of your life, and truly appreciating the next one, rather than seeking closure for the last.

Since a few days, there have been triggers around me that have made me think back to times that I keep remembering as better than today. But today, I finally had the realisation that it’s not my life that had ended, it’s not some romanticized version of my past that I feel for. But it’s just a lack of acceptance and gratitude.

After talking to the people who I have legitimately sought out to be my support system; I’ve come to the realisation that I am pretty great and have no reason to feel bad about past decisions. It’s been a few months since I spoke to these specific friends, but within the past two days I’ve exhausted my entire support system, and damn I forgot I had shit handled.

I had been seeking closure for a chapter than I no longer wanted to read, I shouldn’t be seeking closure for something I grew out of, but rather I should be grateful for it allowing me to become who I am today, after all I am just an amalgamation of my past experiences and how I have processed them.

It took the words of a person I have respected from the day I met her to put me back on track, it’s funny because it feels just like it was a week ago that I told her I was lost, and she told me to figure my shit out… in a nicer way. That guidance taught me independence as well resilience and I am eternally grateful for it. On a side note, it feels like it was yesterday, when I showed up to her doorstep after I woke out of a pit of angst, pain and misery. How I showed up and told her I was in pain, and that my liver was failing me from all that drinking. She just smiled and said it’s about time.

See, I have this tendency to think everyone around me is changing but i’m not, and its her, she is who stopped me and forced me to stare in a mirror and see who I’ve become, both when I was pitiful and when I stood strong. So I’m grateful.

It’s like I forgot, that life isn’t just sadness (the only solution being substance abuse). Life is filled with moments of purity, of happiness, and of love. I truly don’t think I’ve loved anything more than this support system of mine.

It took me a couple days to remember who I was, not years back when I was happy due to external factors, but just last year when I was happy internally. When I realised that I am capable of anything, as long as I apply myself well enough, something I believe to be true for most.

So today, rather than ranting about my misery and my emptiness, I would like to express my gratitude for those that stood by me, every step of my life, those in the past, those now, and those that will come in the future. Without you, I’d be a machine focused on being better, but have no reason to be better.

I’m glad I realised that my reason to be better, is not some far fetched insane fantasy, but rather it’s for those that stood by me, and continue to stand by me. I owe it to them, and to myself.