I’ve been struggling to find a title for this post. I was about to title it ‘I wish I had the words to title this.’ This one will be a bit heavy, probably.
I have been doing a bit of research into writing styles, I’m literally taking a writing style quiz right now, before I take it though I think I gear more towards existential literature. This fucking quiz just told me I have my own style, what a waste of time.
Anyways life’s been complicated, but I suppose it’s been simpler than it was. I work most of the time, I spend 7-10 hours a day profiting from sitting at my keyboard rather than endlessly communicating with someone/anyone listening.
Writing fiction has helped a lot, with my ability to articulate my thoughts. I’ve gotten more efficient with the way I write. I make less grammatical mistakes right off the bat. I’m happy that I’m getting all of this from it, it makes it worth it – even if I wasn’t getting paid.
Not many of you know this, but I remember I used to write in a very corny way. Those of who’ve stayed from the days of the old blog know exactly what I’m talking about. I was insanely ambigious with my posts, to create some sort of illusion of mystique.
I was a dumb ass, I still am, but I’m a slightly less dumb one. I wonder if any of you know just how beautiful JP Cooper’s voice is, just how meaningful his lyrics are. I’ve added a song to this post. I hope you all listen to it. It’s called Party by JP Cooper.
These days I feel like I’m standing somewhere but my mind is completely lost elsewhere. Even though I distract myself with work, all in an attempt to build my life to the point where I can enjoy everything I want guilt free.
What is it that I want? It’s very simple actually. All I want is: good people, good nights, good highs, good health, some tears, some stress, good music and great sex. To be honest Alina Baraz puts it best, that’s why I straight stole this list from her song – To Me.
In order to get to the point where I can enjoy everything it is that I like I need to reduce the fragmentation between my identity and my perception of myself. These days I feel like I’m standing behind a cage observing my actions, rather than controlling them.
This is an image of Istanbul. We had stamped our passports so technically we were no longer in Turkey, not legally anyway. We were in limbo. This cage of sorts was what divided us from Turkey. It’s weird because I feel like I’m stuck in limbo right now.
I don’t like allowing outside influences to affect me the way they do. I don’t like how a message from someone can change my mood. I don’t like feeling excluded hurts my feelings. I don’t like expectations. I don’t like any of it.
However, here is a cute picture I took at my friend’s place. It’s a lighter that managed to make it’s way into my hands (for those that know, lmao) as well as a coffee flavored scented candle. I was never one for candles, I am now. I enjoy their gentle fragrance.
Life feels tough right now. It has for a few years. I know it will eventually get better because I can feel it taking a turn for the best. This time I’ve had alone to myself has been painful, it’s been horrible. I’m so used to being in someone’s presence.
I’ve been alone for a bit, at least romantically. I was involved with someone several months ago, but that didn’t work out because I realised I’d just completely wreck her if I pursued it. I am not ready for anything yet, but that doesn’t mean I am not better off.
One important thing I learnt from the last chapter of my life, one filled with ambigious conversations through this blog, one filled with lies and half-truths, one filled with confusion and delusion, is I learnt to pause.
What that means is that I learnt to stop, and take a break. To think before acting. A few months ago I would’ve commented on things that didn’t directly involve me. I would’ve butt in, not to cause anyone any unnecessary discomfort but to feel needed.
I’m glad I got over that. I’m glad I understood that all I ended up doing was hurting myself. Re-opening wounds that had long been patched over – whether it was with a bandage or plaster does not matter. They were covered up.
Today I told someone that I’m still waiting to process 2020 which is true. I’m shuffling a lot between the past 5 years, I haven’t even gotten to the mess that this years been. When I do I’ll be sure to remember that I’ve almost caught up with all the shit I caused.
That should bring about some contentment, knowing I have no dues left to pay. I always tell my friends to reject work when they are bombarded but I finally understand what they mean when they say it’s hard to say no.
Between working, and focusing on myself; I’m almost left with no time for anything else. I’ve made a commitment to solve a friends’ friends’ assignment. It’s a big one, and I’m doing it in exchange of a favor that I honestly won’t even call upon.
I’m doing it because I care for my friend, and she cares for her friend so I’ll help. On top of that I’ll probably take on a project with a friend, leaving me no time to write my novel or pursue narration. For now I’d prefer to make money and work on my craft.
I can do that through my job, better my skill whilst being paid to, so I suppose the narration and penmenship can wait a few weeks. I have to start calculus as well. There’s no way I’ll be able to take it on in the summer of 2021 if I don’t start now.
It sucks to be so busy with work. I feel like I’m missing out on so much, I’m not hanging out with my friends etc. To be honest, I don’t think I’d hang out with them much anyway. From all the people in my hometown I’ve only made the effort to visit Addi and Jin Baba.
I don’t really care much about the people who used to be a part of my life. I will try and make some time for a couple other people, people I don’t contact on a daily, or even weekly but people who I know care just as much as I care about them.
I’m realising everyone around me has their own circles. I just have singular friends and that too a handful that I can meet, or call. Maybe it’s because I’ve discarded every friend group I’ve been a part off. I guess I just feel lonely at times.
Then again I suppose we all do. I’ll take this time to appreciate how I can gain clarity. I’ll take the time I feel lonely and switch my perspective. Rather than looking it as loneliness I’ll look at it as time to work on myself. Maybe that will help.
It’s 04:32, I’m about to begin work. I like working extra so that I can be ahead of work. More money, less problems. More work, less idle time. Less idle time, less over thinking. Less overthinking, more chances to be present and content.
A Sane Undertaking 
❤
LikeLike