15: Update

I’m going to disappear for a few days, this blog will probably be my only social interaction.

I find myself very tired, I’m tired all the time. I have these tremor-like migraines from exhaustion.

I know the cause.

It’s being there for too many people at the same time.

I’ve always been able to deal with my own problems, no matter how bad I always make it through, other than that I’ve also always been able to take care of my friends, but just not so many at the same time.

It’s like I genuinely care for my friends, I completely and utterly love them. It’s not that I feel I need to reciprocate the times they’ve been there for me, but I genuinely like to be present and care for my friends.

But to be honest, it’s easy looking after myself and a couple of friends, that’s how it’s always been. Like it’s not that it doesn’t take every ounce out of me, but it’s manageable.

This time, it’s like everyone I care about is simultaneously collapsing, and I have made it very clear, and in some circumstances given my word to be there for them. Which I am perfectly able, and content with.

But not all together. It’s honestly too much.

While writing this, I’m realising that it might not be them. This might not be the cause of my frustration.

Another possible reason might be that I’m crushing on someone… after maybe 6 years of either being in relationships or not wanting or being able to want someone new.

AND THE BIGGEST FUCKING PROBLEM IS, there’s no Goddamn way I can have this person. Like all of life has made it impossible for me to be with this person, the distance, the situation, the nature of our relationship, all of it.

I don’t know whether I genuinely want this person or whether I want them because I can’t have them. This feeling of sadness towards them only originated when I realised I can’t be with them.

i dont know im just very frustrated.

I’m literally sitting on my bathroom floor because I have no where I can be alone. My roommates asleep, the study rooms are occupied, there’s someone trying to hook their XBOX to the tv in the cafeteria.

But I’m also glad that I’m not living alone right now, if I was I don’t know what I would have done.

I don’t know anymore.

I just want to go home.