Pit Stop

I talked to my friend about the cheating.

He says there’s no way you can consider ever getting back together with her after how she violated you.

Wild that I told him what hurts me most is that it isn’t even a choice I have the ability to make. She’s processing I.E figuring out why she came back to me when she should’ve just left and been with her ‘soul-mate’.

I’ve deleted her number, every trace of her, I’ve gotten rid of our pictures together other than the few I’ll never get rid off. I’ve returned every gift she’s given me – AND I WANT MY SPEAKER BACK.

I’m so fucking sad. This woman has taken me and broken me. When I told my friend she was making sweet passionate love to her ex while I was waiting for her to come home, a tear literally fell down his eye and he just apologized to me. How dare she make me so pitied.

She proved something to me with the fact that she hasn’t even taken a moment to check up on me. That I was truly just a pitstop. That I really was just a place for her to take a break from her ‘end-game’ and a pitstop till she made up her mind.

It hurts me more than anything to say this. She’s not just a cheater who fucked up.

She’s a meticulous liar, she’s manipulative, she’s a cheater and she’s to every extent of the word a rapist.

She had no business taking me to bed and fucking me all over the house, in the shower, on the couches, on the bed. She had no business touching my skin without telling me that she made love to her ex. That’s as much of a violation of consent as anything else. I know because I’ve done it to another in my past.

I hate that I want her to come back to me. That I look out the window from my house hoping she crosses the road and I see her. Though what the fuck will I do just by seeing her. She doesn’t want me. I was just a fun time before she had to go back to her real partner. SICK FUCKING GIRL YOU ARE.

I put you on top. I claimed you so proud and openly and when times were rough, I made sure I held you close to me.

I want you to stay, even though you don’t want me.

Guess I was just another pit stop until you made up your mind.

You just wasted my time.

I can’t believe I resonate with the fucking Weeknd.

DENIZ I HATE YOU.

but I love you so much please just come back to me.

I realize more than anyone else how she’s betrayed me. How she doesn’t bother saying I hope you’re doing okay.

She’s just left.

She’s a kid and I don’t know why I’ve always kept her on this pedestal and expected maturity.

You make someone you love into someone they never were sometimes.

She’s not the girl I loved, she’s not the girl I shared my life with. She’s this person. This person isn’t your person.

Your person died the day she didn’t come home to you. Your person got into that cab right before Deniz made love to her boyfriend, and got into a car crash and she died.

Goodbye to my partner. I loved you, I love you, and I hope you find your joy after your life with me.

Even now I wish she would just come back to me and stop me from feeling this pain. I’ve forgiven her, just fucking be mine URGH.