Disgusting Addicts

This is a short dialogue between my girlfriend and I, we’re still getting to know each other.

I said (in regards to my past): People often think, though they know it’s bad and shit, but they still, like a tiny part of them thinks that oh it must’ve been some life. All this shit I used to do, I’ve never found it to be sexy and shit, like what is it but a bunch of people who can’t get along without needing substance to feel acknowledged in each other’s presence

Her response: *to feel acknowledged in each other’s presence*: one girl once told me, and she was a very heavy drug addict, she said something along the lines of this: “i fell into drug circles where everyone was doing the same thing. Then, the same people would come to me and scold me for the life I’m living. They would judge me for the drugs I do when I know the things they’ve done in their lives are morally corrupt beyond recognition. Then, they choose to walk away from me because of the drugs I do. I end up surrounded by myself, as in everyone around me seems to be a reflection of who I am. Nothing new. Nothing interesting. Nothing that pushes me to think or be better. Nothing but the comfort of knowing that everyone around you will not attempt to change their lives.” Then she said, “while the morally corrupt friends walked away because of judgement, I ended up walking from everyone else around me. I started seeing myself in all of them. Not only did I hate that, but I found it to be incredibly dull and boring.”

These are my thoughts on the matter:
We all know that our circles are but a reflection of our own selves. Whether that’s a group of addicts, a group of men that fear women, a group of womanizers, a group of gym goers or a group of chess fanatics. You tend to attract and surround yourself with what’s most comfortable, and that usually entails doing things that you feel yourself at ease with.

So this one girl told my girl that she fell into drugs because she was just surrounded by them and just did that shit like most of us do… yeah that sounds about right. After all, I believe the line between addiction and enjoyment is a very thing one, and for some it is a very blurry one. I am some. She said that they judged her for her lifestyle whilst living it, sounds exactly like the worst kind of addicts, the one’s who need to advise (condescend) others in order to feel better about their own shit lives (I know too many of those ones).

What really hits though is, I end up surrounded by myself, as in everyone around me seems to be a reflection of who I am. Nothing new. Nothing interesting. Nothing that pushes me to think or be better. Nothing but the comfort of knowing that everyone around you will not attempt to change their lives. It is truly one of life’s most disgusting sensations when you realize that you’re surrounded by pathetic people, but it’s not just them that are pathetic, you are the pathetic people they are surrounded by. Of course they won’t change their lives, that would mean admitting how shit it is. Ah those regular users happen to me the biggest jokers, at least admit it to yourself at this point, you sad fucker.

It is all incredibly dull and boring. Those red and purple lights, those different colored patterns, those hallucinogenics, those opioids, those vibes… they are just so dull and boring.

I’m sure I’ve talked about this at great length in different parts of this blog and if you stitch my words together, you’d know how I feel about addiction. I find it completely and utterly pathetic. I mean we all struggle with it in one way or another. Though society has changed now. There was a time when we would stop people from sugar addictions for their health, now it’s seen as fat shaming (when it gets too far), there was a time when people would see masturbation and porn addictions as gross and detestable… now people have reasons. There was a time when people would stop others from biting their nails, give them something else to keep their hands busy with. There was a fucking time when every addiction had its fair share of insults associated with them, but now… now… if you’re a drug addict… you’re seen as cool. Oh you smoke, Oh you pop, Oh you are complex. For fucks sake, the idea of being a complex human because you allow substances to take control of your life, and then spray thousands of reasons, and oh let’s not forget your complex traumas yeah? but then again, you won’t do a damn thing to actually improve your life? It’s so hard to be you, yet you do it right? So why does no one do the easier thing and change their lifestyle, since clearly they believe theirs is so hard.

I clearly get in my feels about these things. It’s because I am constantly amongst people who live this kind of life. Thankfully at this point my closest friends and my girlfriend have nothing to do with it. They all live lives that actually provide me joy to hear about. When we converse are conversations are just nice and funny and shit… not because we have to do anything… just because we enjoy existing without needing to do drugs together.

I do feel sorry for the girl from the dialogue, I do hope she’s doing better now. It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of effort and it takes an even greater amount of willpower. Though one thing. It is far harder to stay the same piece of garbage, cause let’s be real it does start eating at you. Then you wonder why you’re so anxious and confused about shit all the time, so then you go do more drugs to relax, and repeat the cycle perpetually.

They were supposed to be for having fun with your friends. Not for tolerating shit people because you’re all a sad bunch of addicts.

So to my girlfriend: I will always feel like one day you’ll wake up and you won’t want me. Not because I’m insecure with who I am now, but simply because what if you do realize that my past is reason enough for feeling disgusted by me, after all I am.