Destiny

If I was the person I’m used to being, how can I be the person I’m proud to be.

I’ve been told that the comfort zone is where dreams go to die. But it is the comfort zone that allows space to dream in the first place. How can I dream in a place where I feel so uncomfortable, where the journey feels like I’m walking on glass. It’s rather difficult to assume that I can know where I am going when every step brings with it an exorbitant amount of pain.

Though then they say, resistance is pain. In that case, what’s next? I think I have decided this year or rather however long it takes goal. To be published in The New Yorker. With it’s 0.14% acceptance rate, and being an unpublished author (with my own name), it becomes rather difficult to aim to be published in the best literary magazine in the world right now. So, now that I know what the goal is, now that I know where I’m stepping towards (though of course it isn’t the end of the journey, just a sight to see between it), am I supposed to just trust that I have to go forward on this glass path. That I have to step forward into the glass rather than to the side and off it. Is that what they mean when they say resistance? Is this resillience?

I’m constantly running from feeling the constant tension, it’s something that I’ve grown quite used to doing. Living in the happy medium, too afraid of looking at where I am, and too proud to take my eyes of what’s in front of me. Constantly switching between looking to the side and forward. I am just constantly switching my gaze, not remaining loyal to myself.

I keep asking myself, who gave you permission to go after what you want?

I did. So why am I not taking care of myself as if I’m my own human. As if when I was born I wasn’t the one I was allotted with.

Let’s see what happens but maybe it’s time I follow through on the hard decisions rather than just thinking about them and edging towards them.