Literally 2 days ago or 3, I was sitting on the hill with a friend or two and listening to all this fucking shit. Literally going from The Fray, to Snow Patrol, from Red Hot Chilli Peppers, to Hinder. I was just telling my friend that when you listen to How to save a life, you have to immediately follow it with Chasing Cars, that’s what I’ve done all my life. So honestly, the first thing I did was check. Check if I’ve written a post on it, cause I remember writing about all of it, goo goo dolls and all.
I checked the last 10 and nothing, so maybe it was something I meant to write but got too dizzy to get to.
Literally just been sitting figuring out what to write. So I decided I’d share an excerpt of my diary, not even my old blog. My most private thoughts. But it’s not much, it’s just intended to articulate how my most private thoughts are written simply. Not with this requirement for aberration, no need for such complicate words.
28th April 2018 04:25
H
had a moment 12–14 hours ago, was feeling lonelier than usual missing C. I’m thinking that I’ve made a mistake. Maybe leaving something that bought me happiness regardless of the pain was a bad idea. I feel as though I am slowly coming to terms with it all. A little over two months ago today since I wished her goodnight and told her I loved her. Now I am alone. I o not wish to get used to being alone – let alone be okay with it.
It has to get better.
Smoke break brb. 6:35PM-8:21PM
Back. Was also helping a friend move.
I haven’t written much in my diary in the past 6 months, I’ve mainly been writing here. The things I write in my diary I’m afraid will lead to being judged. This one’s about an ex, as many are. Though for a year they were self critical, like things I wrote so I never had to write them again, like for one – stopping lying.
The reason I’m sharing this extract is because recently I’ve been dealing with a lot. I find this place, of relationship sadness to be comfortable, I’ve felt it for so long, it’s become a part of me. The spiral always leads me here.
The “How to save a life” and “Chasing cars” thing is still fucking with me, I do too many drugs, I keep forgetting things.
Getting back to the extract. It’s not that I’m dismissive of the way I felt back then, it’s that I don’t like how after everything in life, having to move so much, losing what ‘home’ was for me, experiencing so many different cultures, with so many different people. I still collapse in this pit. Maybe it’s because the hardest decisions I’ve never had to make alone, I always had her to set me straight. I can set myself straight, but it was nice having her in the corner, she was a fantastic friend. I have an insane support system, so many people that care. Yet I fall in this pit, feeling like I need my best friend.
But eh, even after years of writing that little piece in my diary, after many experiences, I am confused. Tired. Stressed.
But it’s chilling though, I’ll make it through this, make it through corona (the mental collapse it causes), just like I made it through shit that was objectively harder to get through; with my head down, and hopefully my the few remnants of my sanity.
I don’t want to get used to being alone, because I like company.
A Sane Undertaking 