what am i doing?

I’ve applied for this writing job, and I’m currently writing for it.
Well, I need to start. I’m already late to submit it, but I feel like my skill in the English language, well my privilege is allowing me an opportunity to exploit my employer in regards to deadlines. Wow that was a run-on sentence.

I took a 50mg brownie at midnight about 37 hours ago. I can’t even remember the extent of fucked up I got. I had been clean for about 5 days at the time, maybe 6. The longest I’ve gone in a bit (almost a year). Sometimes I think about life, of how simple it was. When all there was in life was college, friends and your bubble. It does hurt me to admit that being high is always on my mind, but I still think I enjoy the sesh more than being baked in my room. The latter is lonely, especially on an experience that was borderline psychedelic.

Somewhere in hour 4 or 5, I lost track after that, I closed my eyes and I put on my headphones and it was almost as if I was absorbed into my music. I remember seeing a road and these single hills on each side of this long winding road. I was moving forward on the road, but in first person, kinda weird. I found a picture, but try and black everything out and just put a neon outline on the road and the hill. It was genuinely that basic.

It’s pretty heavy, this whole not writing for a couple days, especially when you’ve made it a habit to write every few hours, keep my mind clear my posting it all on this. I haven’t written in like 2 days so I need this.

I’m trying to gain control in my life, I feel that comes with moving away from my family. Not in a way associated with anger and pain, but one that comes from genuine selfishness. I need to be okay, and living at my mom’s is not synonymous with mental stability. I’m not going to lie, getting food has been great. Too good.

I suppose there’s something simple in being dependent. I don’t like it though, because not only does your sadness begin to depend on someone, so does your happiness. I don’t like letting external factors dictate my state of being. I’d prefer to feel the way I feel on my own volitions. So I am tryna work as many jobs as possible simultaneously. I understand that sanity comes with financial independence. It is the world we live in, and changing it is not something I can do right now.

A couple hours ago, I woke up dazed and so very confused. The first thought that came to my mind was to check my emails. I always love it when people email me. It’s still the best way to get a hold of me. It’s too impersonal to ever make me awkward.

Once upon a time if I had a cigarette in my hand I was liable to get slapped and see a face filled with so much disappointment that I never fell into abusing supplements (nah, not from my mom). Now there’s no one to check me. I still don’t smoke ciggies though, to me that’s tantamount to fully losing my identity. Ii will never be a chain-smoker. Not having anyone to check you is a double-edged sword, especially if you’re someone who doesn’t check yourself the right way. My whole life, ever since I started making decisions. Someone has always had the right to comment on it, well even if they didn’t they were still heard rather than just dismissed.

I didn’t know how to seperate being with someone from them having a say in my life, until my last partner. She taught me a lesson I wish I’d have learnt earlier. That I shouldn’t have to ask permission (don’t get me wrong, there’s things you need it for) but I’m talking about permission to go out, permission to party, permission to snooze my alarm and wake up in the night (cancelling every plan). It’s when I was portrayed trust and responsbility when I realised how simple life should be. You do what you want, never intending or acting (knowingly) in a way where you hurt another. You live making the best decision for you in the moment, and they compound and sort you out later.

I never knew how to seperate relationship from ownership. I was always told ‘you’re mine’ and I often said the same. It was cute and shit, till you realise it’s toxic. You can’t own, or possess a person. You can’t even possess their ability to love, but only be present and enjoy the love they share with you. The first time I realised that, it blew my mind. I only realised how broken I was after I saw what fine looks like.

I ran away, for a plethora of reasons that all genuinely had to do with me. Mainly though, I ran away because I’m not at the place in my life to commit. I need to make something of myself first. That sounds so cliche, but let’s be honest. It’s a responsibility. Falling in love is easy, staying that way is hard. Which is why I believe that communication and compromise are the fundamental pillars of any relationship, much more important than infatuation.

I don’t like thinking “what am i doing”. I don’t like waking up to that thought, I don’t like sleeping to it, I don’t like turning over and seeing that thought, I don’t like turning over and not seeing that thought as well. I’m constantly at conflict, between my need to not be alone, and my need to be independent. I just want to be at the twilight point.

Also my hair has finally started curling and waving properly. I should’ve grown it out all those years ago. It’s majestic.