It is hard

Literally just got back from a nice day (post coming soon), and got comfortable in bed, still have all my jewellery on so not yet completely barren.

A thought came to me due to some provocation, is it possible that I’ve never been trusted? I’ve had long term friends, relationships (one that I was forced to end even though it crushed me. It’s hard being the one leaving a life as addictive as cocaine).

Though to an extent I believed that I was trusted, as in I don’t have this need to be anybody’s number 1 or anything, but still trusted. Figuring out that the person you trusted the most, didn’t trust you is hard, but then again I left; so did I even deserve the trust. I don’t know, it was hard cause even till the end I was ready to give it everything, it’s just tough when it’s all choices and lies.

It is hard realising that everything might have been a lie. I was just the stupid one. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be okay. Everyone deserves a chance at independence, at figuring out who you really are. Stressed, tired, resentful, petty, angry, kind, caring, genuine, whatever it is. If you can’t identify it how do you grow? Its hard cause the times you are identifying it seem to be moments (constant years) of this abyss. One you don’t feel there’s an out of. But it takes time, it takes identification before solution. At least that’s what logic says.

I don’t know my mind’s really been fucked by this whole trust thing.