It’s occured to me that I’ve been lying about something this whole time. I’d say that’s the reason I’m up at 5:30 in the morning, writing. That would be a lie, too. I can’t sleep, which led to me overthinking, like always. Somewhere amongst all that thinking though was the realisation that I’ve been acting like I’m someone who I’m not.
On numberous occasions I’ve written and I’ve claimed that I discarded all my friendships in 2018 because my divorce like break-up led to me feeling guilty for ending it, and that led to me wanting her to keep them all, and I’d figure my shit out. That’s not entirely true.
I had 4 friends, the closest I had, at the time. Two who I think are still a couple, and two that split up a while ago – to be honest, it’s those two that led to my decision to cut everyone off. Not my grace, or my benelovence, I’m an asshole, I don’t have much of either.
Basically since I don’t really give a single fuck about any of them, I’ll just be honest with what happened, from my point of view.
I remember a couple weeks after the break-up on the 19th of Feb 2018, I met my friend, the female part of the couple that I think is still together. Mind you, in my eyes, she was the closest friend I had from college at that time. I had sided with her bs constantly, about redundant bullshit that I really shouldn’t have bothered with. I’ve realised I’m a pushover when it comes to friendship.
I met her and we went for chai, after that I dropped her to uni. I remember that meeting was nice, we spoke at great length, she was there for me. She helped me make sense of a world that was collapsing uncontrollably. That was the last time I met her though, the last time we were on good terms. What happened was, she was the kind of person that is horrible at texting, so she replied rarely. So when she didn’t message me or reply to a message I sent (I didn’t double text to my recollection) for a few weeks, I assumed she was busy, after all I was trying to make sense of everything so I wasn’t really concious of all that.
I find out from the dude in the latter couple – the ones that had broken up, that she was told that I had said some shit about her family. Which to be was very new, I didn’t realise I had. After all, I never cared when her brother tasered me, when I took her other brother gift shopping 15 minutes before the party would start, cause no one else would. I thought of her as a dear friend, so by extension I cared for them all. There was literally only one person who spoke to me, whom I spoke with about her family, my ex. Since I’m being honest we both spoke of her brother being spoilt. My ex really minded that I took him gift shopping at last moment, when he could’ve asked in the hours leading up, we were both at her place.
So when I found out that she was told all that, it kind of blew my mind. What kind of story must’ve my ex spun to make me out to be someone who shit talked someone’s family, while she was innocent? It pissed me off, that after 3 years of friendship, after numerous moments of vulnerability, of genuinity, she didn’t even talk to me. Hear me out. Rather just accepted some half assed truth and called it a day. It was at that point I decided all of them were a waste of time. How the fuck do you not at least talk to someone who did everything you asked.
As far as her and her partner went, and all their friends, I was done. Not worth the stress. That only left the other two. They basically conflicted each other so much, it was clear I’d have to pick one. So I picked neither. No drama then. How it went was, the girl told me that the dude, who was like a brother to me told my ex that she should send provocative pictures to someone she ended up dating (who was also a close friend of mine, yeah I’m realising how interconnected all this shit was). I didn’t mind that part. I left her, it had been a couple months. Go for it, live your life. I’m not allowed to act like that’s not cool, cause it is, live your life, but don’t fucking lie to me man.
She told me that, which led to me getting highly upset, because he is the kind of person that would’ve done that back then. I decided I’d trust the girl, cause to be honest I’d have trusted her with my life. Now this same guy who had been telling me that I ruined a friendship by singlehandedly shit talking someone’s family, was lying to me about the things he did. Now of course I didn’t have any proof, so I was more interested in distancing myself from all this shit, than I was with trying to fix things. So rather than cutting just him off, I also cut off the girl. Cause later the guy told me she was lying, but I didn’t know who to trust back then. So I decided my best bet was to run far the fuck away from this moshpit of toxicity and drama.
That’s how I ended up not having anyone I met in college left, weird cause I introduced them to each other, I’m glad they have each other. Makes it easy staying away, keeping some semblance of sanity. I remember when the girl (the one who I decided to stop talking to, not the one who ghosted me), was crying cause in our first month of college, no one wanted to be her friend and some people wanted to kick her out of the group we were in. I told her I’d leave it with her, cause that’s fucked up. We did leave it. The dude on the other hand, I remember him telling me how he loved her, how it would be weird since her siblings were like his brothers. I remember him talking about very intimate shit in regards to that, the same guy post break-up was shit talking her. I remember slapping him to during a dance practice for thinking it’s cool to shit talk her. You don’t talk shit about your ex to garner laughs from petty as fuck people.
All in all, the point of writing this was because at what’s now 6 AM I didn’t want to sit awake cause of anxiety, I didn’t want to stare through the darkenss in my room feeling like I’ve been lying. I have. It wasn’t as simple as the departure I claimed I partook in. It was messy, I wasn’t benevolent. I’m glad I made the decisions I did though, I’m glad I have the people I have right now in my life. I’m glad that while I was struggling to find some sort of connection to someone, after losing it all, I found myself. Regardless of my self-destructive behaviour. I’m glad I grew up, where I don’t think everyone else was lucky enough to do the same.
I genuinely feel bad about writing this post, seems like I’m stirring shit up. Though none of them read this, if they do, they shouldn’t. Irregardless, I am sorry for hurting all of them in whatever ways I did. That’s why it’s better not to have me around then allowing me to do it again right? Same goes for my own health, and their presence.
A Sane Undertaking 