Turning 22

Calum Scott – Come Back Home
https://youtu.be/rNCT91V5dQU

I’m writing this at 9PM, I turn 22 at 7:30AM on the 18th of June. I wanted to cue this up for 00:00.

I remember my 20th, it was back in 2018. I had an insane breakdown, I was running a fever and I genuinely thought I was dying. I’m not usually dramatic about my health, I let myself get to the point where I’m close to dying before making it a point to seek assistance. Though on that day, I thought it was the end.

I remember writing letters, to my ex, my friends, my parents even my brother. Apologising for being such a waste of breath, more or less. Apologising for a lot. I tore those the next day, when I realised that if I died, I’d rather just stop existing, I’d like to be remembered yes, but not as a source of discomfort.

My 21st, I don’t remember much. I really couldn’t tell you what I did last year. I think I was at home, maybe went out with Omar. I’d say that’s all. I remember having my car for the Ginsoy party, so maybe it was in 2018. I think it was. Last year, I didn’t do anything.

There was a time that birthdays were so important, not even just for me. My birthday was an occasion to celebrate, having people that genuinely care for you is great. There’s been a thunderstorm since the afternoon. It doesn’t ease out for a few days, so I guess I’ll just be in my room at night, maybe call a friend.

It’s just like on the 11th, the storm isn’t subsiding.

I don’t get the whole age thing, I’m 22 at this point, as you read this. I don’t feel old, but I feel more wasteful of my time at this point. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll give myself a birthday present, and stop being sad. If only happiness could be packed into a box. Well to be honest, depends on who’s packing it.

Maybe I’ll stop, stop feeding my sadness constantly. Stop writing, stop reading, stop wordpress, for a couple weeks. See what happens. Maybe I’ll start writing that fiction (maybe there I’ll find happiness), maybe record a bit of spoken word and lay the clip over some nice visuals. I don’t know. I want to, but I don’t want to put effort in.

Regardless, Happy Birthday to me.