43: Loss

I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss, some taken from me by the forces of nature and the others by my own hand. Today is an especially hard day. I received a message this morning, of course I was asleep until what’s now the afternoon, but the message was a reminder that today is my grandfathers barsi (the day he died last year).

Last year this month, from about a week ago to about 3 weeks from now, was the toughest time of my life. Right now, it’s bad. I can’t compare them because last year it was like someone blew my entire life up. This time it feels like I’ve ripped myself open, and for what? some conversation that isn’t really happening, that’s in my head.

My grandfather has been a constant in these posts, he did mean the entire world to me. It hurts me constantly knowing I can’t say goodbye, that I wasn’t able to. I did talk to him on the phone a few days before his passing, but I was in a different continent so I really couldn’t make his funeral. For all the people I’ve lost, for all of them that have died and left and will never ever come back, I haven’t been to a single funeral in my life, but one. That was by extension.

My grandfather was a beautiful person, he loved living in the moment; I probably make him turn in his grave with the way I’ve been acting lately. He did teach me to shut up and appreciate the little things, what I then used to call choti choti khushiyan. He taught me to be still, something I should apply now. The way he taught me was very confusing, because he never said anything to me directly, I mean he did drop bombs of wisdom.

The way he taught me was through action, he never felt like he was being wronged. Even when his health was giving out, I can’t imagine the pain he felt when we roamed around and I just wanted to get home so I could talk to my friends and hang out with them, back then it felt like a duty traveling with him, driving him around. I realise now as I write this, that he was breaking on the inside, his lungs collapsing, his immune system dying. Yet he still made it a fucking point to make everyone around him happy.

Even when we went for food, he never let me pay the bill, I wanted to, I had been working or was it my mom to who told me to foot it, IDK. He always made it a point to get the things, as pointless as effort involving, he got everyone of his children and grandchildren the little things they wanted till the day he died. The way he taught me the importance of staying still during a storm, getting under a table metaphorically, was by leading by example.

He was always a patient man with more fortitude than I could ever think possible. I have never been that way. I seek instant gratification and I’m just weak. I want to know you’re reading this so that it makes me feel like you’re listening, I need you to be the one that hears this, no one else understands. I’ve tried talking to my friends, but every loss I’ve had to encounter in my life, I’ve dealt with alone, completely. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about things, I think I just need a friend that listens without trying to make shit about them.

This blog has been my attempt at confronting feelings of grief, I mean it’s other things too, but mainly the grief. But today, today is probably the day I will completely and utterly crack. I can’t get through today, not like I could last year. I don’t have that strength anymore. When I got tattooed and I told myself I have to keep moving forward, it was because stopping during your worst can’t be the end. But to be honest I didn’t expect it to get this bad.

I have trouble accepting loss, I have a tendency to just run away, so far I can’t see what I’ve lost. Now I’m witness to it, that’s more than I can handle. For a bit last night I went blind, right before I passed out. The sensation of being blind is more tippy than I could imagine, but it’s one of the most horrific things I could ever think off. Although, there was some peace, I was calm. I wouldn’t have to see what hurts me anymore.