Often time I want to write but I don’t feel that wave of motivation forcing my hands to clatter away at my keyboard. Music has always been the catalyst, a reason and an instant incitement to just write. I had been planning to write about my recent LSD trip, but whilst listenting to “Someone to stay” by Vancouver Sleep Clinic, I finally feel like expressing feelings I’ve kept in for years.
I guess this does have to do with my trip, because it’s when I was completely powerless to my mind, with absolutely no method of just going to sleep, to end the constant thought and confusion; a bit of confusion with some clarity I suppose. I realised mid-trip that I honestly have no actual control, I mean I suppose I choose how to proccess experiences but I really don’t have the ability to control how my life changes every day.
Often times I find myself longing for the simplicity and stability of older years, not because I desire that life, I think it’s just that I don’t like this one very much. There’s a certain sense of stability and lack of pressure when your day is filled with people just trying to keep you busy and feed you attention. I feel that was what one of my friends was going through yesterday, he didn’t want to be alone in his thoughts, and did the most ridiculuos shit just not to be.
It’s times like today, when I’m slightly sick and incredibly tired. It’s days like this when I wish to just get into my car and drive to McDonalds. It’s days like this when I wish to sit on my friend’s roof sipping chai and laughing. To be honest, it’s days like this I wish drugs didn’t exist and all there was; was truth in friendship. I do wish I could go back to when my life was filled with love, not with myself (I still don’t have that) but to a time I was absolutely loved. I’ve been in and out of relationships for the latter half of my teen years, and just fucked around during my 20th. All I’ve come to realise is that being alone is an incredibly volatile situation.
Often times, I was loved to the extent where I never questioned my behaviour, because it seemed acceptable. That was a mistake I don’t plan to make again, this mistake was brought to my realisation through my encounters with Ali. When I started to get close to Ali, it was almost like the honesty and exhaustion with our own false identities we created for ourselves was what acted as instant glue. He was who I told, that I wanted to be by myself to figure out if I even have a presence. To that I remember he replied by saying something about self-development being key. I suppose Will Smith’s Vlogs had just started and Ali and I were on the same page, in terms of wanting to find ourselves.
He didn’t exactly teach me how to be empathetic rather than cold, just as I didn’t teach him how to agressively handle sitauations that warranted it. It was being around each other and conversing through each other with ourselves that made those 6 months juicier than any time in my life (till back then). Ali helped me get through a period of my life, where I not only was alone romantically, but my then closest friend was in another country, she tried but eh life, and the other part of our then trio was let’s just say; I was not at good terms with him. Ali took that initial loneliness and helped turn it into a lesson to be learnt about being alone, not lonely.
The LSD trip is what reminded me of how alone I truly am in this complex and ever stimulating world. It reminded me of the days where I wasn’t and how even then I was and how now I act like I wasn’t just because I can’t handle knowing all 21 years have been empty to an extent. Coupled with “Someone to stay”, today I decided to let out all the feelings I still have, feelings of loss, to something I left. A friend of mine is about to feel their own wave of loss, I hope it doesn’t affect them how it left me, but it probably will.
I guess it’s scary acknowleding how the world really doesn’t wait for you to be okay before moving on to the next chapter, these days I’ve put the book on my own life down, but the chapters are still being written, I am just falling behind.
A Sane Undertaking 