3: Disconnect

I’ve committed to writing at least a couple times a week, so whenever I get the time I’ve decided I’d just type a few words out.

It’s just around 6am and I’ve had the same day as I did yesterday. Except this time I have a final in 3 hours, probably my hardest and I have negligible preparation. I am waiting to get sober enough to memorise some shit to put down. I’ve taken an opportunity to learn a new language and quite literally smoked it away.

I get that as soon as the next 5 hours pass and I’m back on the bench on the hill lighting another one and resting my eyes before going off to sleep, I’ll tell myself never again and make sure this doesn’t happen again. At least I used to be able to do that. I worked quite hard to create a version of myself that was dedicated to being societally better, but recently this constant haze has created a disconnect between him and I. I suppose it’s identity fragmentation at its weakest.

Last night was dark, it was empty and filled with regret and self hate. I’m sure it was pretty obvious in my last post.
Tonight’s different.
Tonight I don’t hate myself for being who I am, I don’t hate my environment for creating me. Today I accept that I do fuck up, fuck up some really important shit. Fuck up on keeping promises I made to myself, to my mother.

But I don’t hate myself. Not tonight.
I’m realising that looking for more, wanting more other than the haze, has helped me. It’s helped me be able to talk and communicate with people I wouldn’t have. This feels a lot like when I first hit Ali up on snapchat and asked him if he wanted to hang. That truly was a message that led to one of the greatest relationships of my life.

I feel that way again, I feel myself wanting more and actually chasing it. I know that I’m still behaving the way I always do, but this time these aren’t just words. I’ve found myself spending more time talking to people, being offered to play fightlist (IDEK) and being asked advice from or even just being able to understand the others pain. These changes, they remind me a lot of my old self. The one Ali helped me develop. I still remember that one time he took my phone and apologised to someone I had never even spoken to outside of class, cause apparently I was an ass cause I didn’t care when I was “supposed” to. Ali and I barely knew each other then, yet he just thought it was necessary to save me from being demolished by idek what…

That state of mind I was in, when we first started to speak was filled with anguish and exhaustion. I hated who I was because I was nothing but an extension, a boyfriend, a friend, an enemy but never me. Ali took that lost boy and helped shape me into someone capable. He didn’t do it intentionally, he’s not that skilful yet, maybe one day. Rather over a couple weeks he and I just formed this trust that shouldn’t make sense, considering the tensions between the people he knew and I.

But yeah anyway, I feel myself back there. Once again tired and miserable. Last time it was the first time I improved significantly almost 2 years ago. This is a lot like then, so I’m quite excited to see what 2020 has in store for me. That’s why tonight I don’t hate myself. Tonight I just know that I will be better tomorrow, and one day the days will line up and rather than not remembering where I was yesterday or the day before idk. I won’t remember how I am who I am then.