I’ve known addiction is a problem since quite a while. A few months ago I almost overdosed on pills and alcohol and the next day; a few hours after I found myself writhing on a hospital bed holding the hand of someone I only knew for maybe a month at that time, and hoping I would not die. After that day I flushed it all away and started smoking, not cigarettes though. I haven’t crossed that line yet. Smoking was helpful at first, helped with the withdrawal and the constant headaches, but the past few weeks it’s become too much.
A few nights ago, my friends and I decided it’s too much. We hardly remember the past semester, it all seems like one long haze, its been months since I’ve had a few sober days. At this point the highs are monotonous, I smoke in the morning to start the day, and then around every couple hours. It’s like it doesn’t need change anything anymore, it just keeps my brain a little less focused on reality. Guess that was fine for a while, but at this point this addiction has become worse than the past one.
Tonight I smoked just about every hour… since I woke up at 1pm. All I feel anymore is boredom towards this monotonous empty life, my brain being in a constant haze is very irritating but being sober is melancholic.
I know I need to quit but there’s nothing to do. I mean there is I haven’t run more than a few kilometres in months, I haven’t seen the inside of the gym in weeks, and worse of all I haven’t read a fucking book since…
I find myself listening to MGK quite a lot these days, at this point his music has started resonating with me. Literally 5:3666 was on a few minutes ago and it’s just around that time, and thats kind of what prompted me to write on this blog after months.
I find myself thinking of my past, of a life where I could be in clear headspace and slightly less tired. Days when the hardest decisions were to take Sea View home, or Creek Road. Now I desire more, even though I know it’s wrong. I desire to reach an even distant plain. I have before, the nights I had where my life really felt like an MGK song, going at lines at 5 am in the morning and not knowing why I feel as alone as I did, while I had someone next to me most of the time.
I don’t know why I decided to write on this blog again, I switched to a diary a while back. Recently I’ve started talking to an acquaintance and she firmly believes that writing and embracing your dark side is the only way to clear the junk out, so I suppose trying it again won’t hurt.
Things sure have changed since the days I could think without needing something coursing through my veins.
I do miss it.
Today was just like yesterday and the days before. Just another day.
A Sane Undertaking 