1

For the past few weeks I’ve been meaning to start another blog but I’ve just been deleting everything I write. My past blogs were all anonymous (a few knew about them) but eventually I had to delete both of them because I cut ties with the people that knew about them. This time I decided I’d have a public blog, a day to day diary of sorts.

Today I was giving some thought to why I have started spending less and less time with my friends. At first I thought it was because I wasn’t content with the encounters, as in I didn’t see any point in sitting for hours engaging in pointless conversation because “that’s what friends do”. But after a little more thought I began to compare the times of my life in which I did waste so much time, and how back then socialising felt important. I feel that it is a change in my priorities that has caused this feeling of angst upon spending too much time with my friends.

Two years ago I would completely be willing, rather I’d be enthusiastic about spending time hanging out with my friends, I’d even lie to do so. But at this point my priorities have changed from “having fun” to achieving security and just wanting to set my life on track. That’s why I think it exhausts me to spend time pointlessly having chai and sitting talking about other people. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for people to do shit like that, but it’s not something I do anymore.

I’d like to believe that I’m still a good friend, to the extent where I know I have been present for my friends when they’ve actually required me to be, but apparently a lack of spending time with someone results in you being considered a bad friend. But maybe I am honestly, if I’m not willing to give people time because it doesn’t leave me with a sense of fulfilment, maybe I’m just selfish. But honestly at this point in my life, I don’t have the desire to feed people’s need for attention, when I’m trying to get somewhere.

It’s very possible that I may have to sacrifice another few relationships, but if the alternative is having to spend hours everyday asking myself why I’m doing this. I’d rather cut ties and focus on my own growth. The only problem I have is, I know for a fact I don’t ignore my friends when the shit they have to say is important, but if that’s not enough then I have to prioritise my own well-being.