60: Better

After “lost without you”, it’s hard to even write this.

It’s not that I feel lost without anyone, I’m lost in general due to a lack of purposelessness. It’s just that you appreciate things, once they are gone. It’s a sad truth.

https://youtu.be/i_WTHkBuqbg

I was recently giving it a lot of thought, if I could go back and talk to a younger me, one that needed to see more to realise that all they needed was what they had.

I really thought about it, and I keep coming to the conclusion that I’d make the same decisions, cause regardless of the angst, the despair, the misery, I am better for it. I am leagues ahead of what you knew. Besides the flaws that are all I find the need to talk about on the blog, there’s an insane amount of experience I’ve gained.

Yes, I realised what I wanted was peace.
Without the decision that affects me the most, I wouldn’t be who I am. I would still think I’m the smartest, I’d still believe I was always right, I’d still be a liar. Yes, I feel substantial pain every time I think of it, think of the times. Though I process that pain as who I am today, not who I used to be.

Me, a couple years ago? Wouldn’t have been able to handle the despair. Would’ve delved into his own bubble until she said it was all okay, it would’ve made it okay for a while.
Today, I’m better. I don’t understand how I was genuinely seen as anything other than artificial in the past, I don’t understand how I could’ve been cared about. At this point, I get it. The kind of person, the kind of friend, the kind of partner I’ve worked on making myself at this point is mature enough to understand that the only reason writing this isn’t a bad idea, is because it helps process what I otherwise wouldn’t.

Today’s been a hell of a day, I’ll write about it in another post, probably on Musings.

I think that every decision I made, regardless of the emotional and physical consequences has made me who I am. After all I but an amalgamation of my experiences, and these stories are actually true, I try and be as direct and honest as I can, I used to say that but it was a lie, I was just an asshole, now I realise that sometimes honesty isn’t required. Comforting is. Never lying though.

So I may be insanely lost without you, but in all honesty. I found out who I am. Whatever the label; drunk emo lover boy, tired and depressed, excited, or annoying, even chutiya podcast boy. I am okay with who I am, I need work, that’s why I’m self critical. But I’m in a different league than the boy you knew.

I know that I write in a way that is addressed to a person because it is. Sometimes it’s to myself for when I later read this, other times it’s not.

My biggest regret is: I wasn’t this version of me, when it would’ve made everything better. Now I am, but I guess that’s just for me to know.