I had to tap my head against a wall, just to regain focus. I’m pretty foggy right now. Just an hour ago, we were in a friends room and Timmie came on, randomly on the speaker. IDK is was tell me why im waiting, It just brought up a thought right now when I was thinking about things. I’m currently on this slowed post malone trend, im on die for me, i’ve heard im gonna be, and a thousand bad times a couple times. I don’t know why but music makes it easy to write, but right now I’m somewhere between concious and baked. Going to each extreme rather than treading the border. Man when halsey comes on, its pretty devastating.
I was trying to write post before this sesh, about 20 mins after the morning one, its only been 4 hours of me being awake. I wanted to write about wanting more, asking for it, rather demanding it. Shit take what you want just came on, and the begining of this version is fucking insane. I want more, from myself for myself. I constantly wonder what i’m doing to the future me, by acting this way. wrecking my present self to feel something, cause pains more common than ecstacy, unless you’re on some serious shit I suppose, unless I am.
There has to be something I want to be that I can get to. I was never this lost, I was never this way. I genuinely feel this is the lowest I’ve gotten in my life, thats why i might be trying to reach out to something that really has just been killing me. So there’s only two things i can do, stay rock bottom or go up, anythings better than this. But how do I get there, it’s easy being better for someone else, someone you want or have. It’s a driving motion of sorts, you don’t want to let them down right? I fall apart just came on, posty really gets the vibe. for efficiency sakes everything i’m listening to right now is slowed down, haha life seems that way. even tho its june already. FUCK.
Birthdays are coming up, but i suppose this year, no one to wish. except myself. really gonna try and sleep through that day.
Anyway yeah being better, wanting more. How do I get there? I’ll take feedback from anyone genuinely.
I feel like I could take a backwards approach, see something in my mind and trace back how to achieve it and start. I’m too lost to try and step forward but if I could see through all this mist I suppose I’d be able to. Do i even really want to take the step? Is my skin just a constant reminder of how i collapse and keep failing, that i’m really not moving forward.
Pretty little fears just came on, this version of it is even more mesmorising.
let’s explore what it is that i want to be, finally answer the question of what i want in life, beyond just being happy. I don’t know why j cole’s verse hits so hard. i do listen to a rap, but just not these days, its all misery these days, miss the rnb days, those were fun times.
Back to what I was saying, sorry this is a crazy stream of conscience. Alright what is it?
I want to be independent, so that I don’t have to ever talk to people not by choice, im not just refering to family I mean from friends, acquantainces, work, anything. right my wrongs just came on, damn this youtube playlist trying to wreck me.
I suppose real independence is when you don’t have to do anything, but you only do it by choice. I suppose for that you need either a mucho amount of untaxed cash or solitude and self sustainability. I would absolutely love to die out on a ranch, do mundane yet meaningful work. Grow my own plants, have my own sustanance growing around me, care for it and have it care for me. But for that I need to get to a point in life where I can dissapear, so we’ll keep that for after we’re retiring at a young age ofc, dont plan on living over 35 (let’s see hopefully it changes).
How is it that I want to make this money, what do i want my profession to be? put on a thousand bad times again, gonna relisten to everything i just did.
I like the thought of educating people, teaching them, not to be happy or fulfilled ofc I’d need a few lessons in that. But to be honest teaching children the art of critical thinking and logical argumentation. I don’t know if that’s weird but argumentation logic is pretty fun to me. I also absolutely love moral and ethical philosophy. Who wouldn’t? Don’t you want to know why people act the way they do? How they believe they are right? I really love me some psychology but that was never for me, I don’t know someone else called dibs I suppose. I never really talked to you about why I decided to go through with philosophy when I was applying to uni did I?
I don’t know, maybe teach a bit of philosophical conceptualisation and ethics, i am not good at arguing, ill leave that for the sophists, im better with arguing after every defintion and boundary has been set so there’s no difference in our perception as we argue. that was weird im sorry. I would love to be able to teach a course on hedonism, it fascinates me so much, I could go on for hours about epicurus and modern destruction of his work through misrepresenation. geeking out. I feel like I know a little bit, about life, maybe not everything, not nearly. I also don’t think I’ll ever go into serious academia where I go on summits and challenge intellectual thoughts. The thought of being a simple teacher, hopefully not underpaid, makes me content. Going and teaching a few kids, watching them as they bloom into narcissistic shit faces that think they are smarter than their teacher, like we all do.
Just put on a version of saint tropez with saber of blue about to kick some ass in Faith, its an anime, im sorry again. What else do I want, that made me happy to think about. To be honest I’ve only ever thought about the rest of my life with one person, that was a very long time ago, in recent relationships I can’t think of dying and growing old with anyone friend, family, anyone. So it’s weird cause now when I think about my private life outside of work, it feels like there’s a room i cant go into, someone that’s been drawn over rather than a new story. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ll try to draw a new story then while psycho plays.
Okay so I for the longest time couldn’t imagine a future with kids, but now I want them, like not rn, fuck that. But like whenever I’m deluded enough to think I’m ready, I’d love to adopt one, maybe a couple little fucks. Don’t really care they don’t need to real little, love is love and kids are kids, imo. Damn there’s this fantastic anime demon slayer. Some of these posty videos have clips of them, what a scene. Alright so I think I want kids, that seems like something I can’t do alone, although being a single dad might be what happens.
Friends in my room rolling just took a shot, let’s see if it affects anything. Its still only 7:30. Regardless do I want to be doing this much shit in the future, fuck no. Maybe a couple grams on a casual friday night, but I can’t seth rogen this shit. I don’t partake to get euphoric, i do it to feel less shit. That’s the difference, one that matters a lot.
*a couple hours later, went for a sesh*
just put on leave, getting back into the flow.
But I suppose whats been most on my mind lately isn’t kids or a job, or even a general purpose, but someone to spend it with, I need a friend that i can talk to without it getting to be more than a friendship, but to be honest i just need that one person back. Or so I’m typing straight from the heart i suppose, but logically i just need to get on with my life and not plan these things, be content on my own so that i don’t need anything. i cant believe im revisiting these thoughts almost two years later, after all of it. After everyone else. There has to be a lingering thought, something I don’t take into account, cause the last time I thought I knew it was the realest, the best. But it just wasn’t addictive enough. That’s a massive problem i need to deal with. I don’t know how to figure it out, ill study a bit on it before talking more about that fear of abandonment.
the only thing is i want more, because i can’t stand what this quarantine has either made me realise i am, or what its just exposed.
A Sane Undertaking 