I rarely listen to this band by choice, but I’m listening to this right now https://youtu.be/luHTVhECmWQ.
Last night a friend called me, someone I hadn’t connected with since nearly a month or two. She’s the only one I can be honest with, there’s no bias, no sides, no intentions, no ulterior motives, like there usually is when anyone wants to listen.
We spoke about me, something this blog is based around… but something I don’t do much with others, I think it’s weird trying to explain yourself for the sake of explaining yourself, the easiest way to get out of it is by just saying I really don’t know what’s happening. Which to an extent is true but is mostly a cop out, having to say I’m broken and I can’t fix myself because everything I’ve built myself up to be is a labyrinth of deceit.
But with her it’s different, even though we aren’t the type to talk on a daily, or a weekly for that matter. I feel like this is my most adult relationship ever. One in which making time doesn’t symbolise caring, that’s present through the actual giving of shits. Alas, we spoke of me. Something I always enjoy doing, it’s nice to get some insight to my thought process.
Basically I said to her all the things that I couldn’t even bring to write about, told her about this conversation I had through this blog, told her how it affected me, told her how daily life has me exhausted, and worst of all how I feel like this emo character that’s been built is insanely impossible to shake off. I don’t want to be the depressed emo guy, I really don’t, it’s exhausting.
She told me that the best thing I can do is seek out a direct conversation, get the answers I need, answer the questions I feel are present, but we both agreed that it’s slightly pretentious, and it might bring with it more problems rather than clearing out the ones that need to be addressed. I haven’t brought myself to give this further thought, each possibility is too scary.
After that we spoke of something I find many people face problems with: when is it too much? When do you care too much? When do you try too much? When are you feeding a relationship that feels like it just wants to die?
I’ve always thought that I’ve been a great friend, I’m pretty low maintenance as a friend, and I sure as fuck deal with high maintenance people. It’s not even about the fact that I have patience and I constantly try, it’s that to me it doesn’t seem like a task, it’s just something you do for your friend; you care even when they might not.
Though I do believe there is a line, when it becomes too much. When you find yourself listening to 102 and wondering what the fuck is happening, and rather than picking up your own pieces, you spend that time looking after another. It’s not that it’s an inconvenience, it’s more like. Do you even want me to care?
On a side note, whenever I listen to 102, I realise how part of my decisions have always been based on the well-being of my friends, even though they’ve come at the cost of my own peace. It would have been much easier to just have said I pick you, over everyone. But then it gets back to the question?When is it too much?
Often times those that know me think I picked a friend of mine from grade school, over a person that meant the future to me. Though it wasn’t her that tilted the scales, at any moment of time I guarantee, I would not have picked her. There was no competition, though I hated how it was made to be like there was. The last straw, was the friend I spoke to last night, when I was told I can’t hang out with her, I can’t talk to her, that my relationship with her was weird.
That’s what I mean when I say too much. There is a line that shouldn’t be crossed, when life becomes more of a burden than freeing, you have to ask yourself if all those memories that are now misplaced, are worth waking up scared, going out afraid, and constantly being anxious of your decisions.
I digress, I’m listening to too much of The 1975, the point is to understand that there has to be a point. In my opinion, if you find yourself arguing with your own self, that you’ve tried your best, and that any more is just risking your own wellbeing, then try one more time. One last time. Make sure it’s the last, because the thought of did I try enough, should only be a one time thing. I’ve come to a song called Paris, youtube tends to keep me company as I write.
When you’ve tried after you said you’ve tried enough, let that be it. Time is important, the amount of time you spent with someone, the decade you’ve known them, doesn’t matter when they bring you more hurt than ease.
It’s important to respect and take care of yourself, even though it’s easier to take care of others.
I have a tendency to only are for myself when I’m with someone, I don’t see a point otherwise.
I should change that, but I rarely take my own advice.
A Sane Undertaking 