dive

Life’s been feeling like it’s been collapsing, quarantine is dangerous for those with shaky mental health.

I decided to fuck myself over today, and I went through my entire google drive. https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA.

I came across a couple pictures that reminded me of this new segment I want to introduce in the podcast.

I’m trying to not be incriminating here, cause there’s genuinely nothing criminal.

I saw this picture whilst thinking about what I was expecting to find in my google photos, something I hadn’t deleted the several hundred times I had gone through it? Maybe I was hoping I hadn’t.

Then I remembered this:

I don’t really know what day this was, don’t think that part’s important.

Ironically, I’d like to take this time to speak of addiction. Now scientifically I think MJ isn’t physically addictive, though obviously the real stuff is. I think what is addictive it the act of intoxication, I speak specifically for me. I find myself constantly wondering whether I’m addicted or whether I’m just bored? Whether it’s drinking or smoking, I don’t think I’m addicted to any intoxicant. I just think I need something to do. A reason to not, usually it was a person. Now I need to ask myself, is my life not okay, or is it just different and is that not okay.

Many people start consuming intoxicants for fun, to achieve euphoria. Whether it’s at a young age, or in uni, whatever it is, they to do it to have fun. I do it to escape, to stay away from clarity, cause when my mind’s clear, you’re the only god damn thing on it. Writing this, expressing how empty and shallow is.

That’s why I’m scared, scared of being addicted, cause deep down I know my addiction isn’t in something as menial as substances, but rather it’s to a state of perpetual disarray. It’s easier to be sad than it is to try and be happy.

I think it’s important for everyone to just take a minute, and understand that maybe that unhealthy habit, or that common occurrence might be an addiction, one killing you, gently. Though I suppose everyone does this shit now, I remember a time when I didn’t, didn’t find the need to indulge, I was content in my day to day. Now everything’s changed, everyone does shit, is that why I do?

Why do I think of this so much?