Mornings

I have these crazy dreams these days, I can’t even begin to explain cause I can’t remember for shit. But in all honesty I know they are intense cause when I wake up I think to myself, damn that was intense.

A couple weeks ago I tried recording my dreams as soon as I woke up. I literally realised that I hadn’t fixed the audio input settings so nothing got recorded after trying to play them back a couple days ago.

Regardless, mornings are weird these days. I don’t have a phone anymore, it’s been over 70 days. It fell, the dye pack exploded and now COVID has restricted me from getting it fixed. To be honest, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a phone, but I suppose people around me still haven’t so sometimes they are impatient; but not really though.

I’ve had a lot of different kinds of mornings, and I suppose I’m glad to have the diversity. I’ve had mornings I’ve woken up writhing in pain from the night before, or even the month before. I’ve woken up in another’s arms, that’s always nice even if they aren’t your partner, it took me some time to be able to do that though. I’ve woken up to an alarm and the burning desire to toss my phone to the fucking wall and go back to sleep, sometimes I did other times I actually got up and went for that run. That was such a different life.

People often take it for granted, waking up a nice good morning message or a smile, waking up to something, having something to wake up for/to. I’ve had hundreds of mornings where I wake up knowing the day will go to shit, but see a message and just revert into someone who wants to make someone proud for investing their time in.

These days, I wake up. I drink some water, I scan my body for where it hurts, its usually the kidneys, liver and lungs. The lungs I get, the liver I suppose I’m paying for past pleasure. Then I proceed to crack open my iPad, open up WordPress and check my site first, then move on to checking a couple other sites, hoping for reading material. To be honest the days there are, it feels less alone, but those days also become very centric on writing rather than living. I’m worried I’ll hit a wall, where I’ll end up not having anything to write cause I’m not taking time out to experience more shit.

Regardless, then I finally check my messages and usually I write a post first thing. I suppose it’s all linked to loneliness. People say nights are the hardest, I feel like mornings are the hardest cause who wants to start their day like this.

It’s not all bad though, I do stare at myself in the mirror for quite a bit, somewhat to search for the latest cuts and scars (idek how the fuck they get there) somewhat to observe the results of this lifestyle, and somewhat just to appreciate.

Good Morning!