Update. Thinking back to how different my life was 5 years ago, it almost feels as though I did not exist, and in a sense; I didn't. This compilation of emotions, memories, and all the other shit that isn't biological is pretty different to that which was present 5 years ago. Let me allow you … Continue reading Feeling Undeserving.
We’ll Be Okay :)
This one has had a long time coming, but I think it's important that I publish it tonight. These days I've been awful flustered, confused about how 2018 will treat me. A big change is coming. I leave for University in September, just a few months down the lane. Honestly I'm pretty fucking scared, considering … Continue reading We’ll Be Okay 🙂
Do I Matter.
I feel nothing. Not in the whole cliche 'i'm hurting and it feels like I have nothing' but I genuinely feel the lack of giving a shit to this extent is a problem. I find myself wanting to care. About the people around me, the shit going on in my life, my future prospects. BUT … Continue reading Do I Matter.
Round and Round the Merry Go Round Goes.
What's comes after? Death: The cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. In my humble opinion "nothing" follows death. In my opinion "nothing" is a concept far beyond human understanding. In my opinion "nothing" is where we originate and where we will return. But what is "nothing" ? Is it Heaven, Is … Continue reading Round and Round the Merry Go Round Goes.
My Greatest Fear.
My own Mind. By no means am I fearless, I've just become adept at living in a state of fear to such a high degree that I have forgotten what it feels to be safe. My head space is completely fucked up. I'm afraid that while I write this I'll cause myself to become even … Continue reading My Greatest Fear.
Control.
Losing control. I often contemplate the possibility of an afterlife, of there actually being a so called "reward/punishment" for your actions in this life. It often perplexes me how in the event of there being a higher power, we have absolutely no control. That fucks with me slightly. In the event that it's true then … Continue reading Control.
May All My Mistakes And Achievements Be Entirely My Own.
I'm more confused than ever. As the sun sets and the darkness blooms under the crescent moon, I lay shattered tonight. Tonight, the constant build up of what I'm going to do in life has finally became the scariest cluster fuck I could ever fathom. I've been told that being confused is natural, that it's … Continue reading May All My Mistakes And Achievements Be Entirely My Own.
Time.
Scrolling through my Instagram feed, seeing the faces of those that were such irrelevant parts of social gatherings, reminiscing the memories I made with those whom I would now call "strangers". It's surreal how I can track back my life to the times when happiness was as simple as allowing yourself to not over analyze... … Continue reading Time.
Acceptance
Accepting the death of a loved one; something I am incapable of. Maybe by the end of this post I'll have accepted the loss of someone I loved deeply. Someone I lost a few years back. I'm pretty hesitant as I write this because I know I'll have to be more honest with myself and … Continue reading Acceptance
NOT JUST A PASSER BY.
#Dedicated. If you feel like this applies to you, or to someone in your life. Share it with them. Life's full of emptiness, of feeling alone in crowds, and of never feeling like someone gets you. But to you, the recipient of this post, please don't take it for granted. Someone once told me I … Continue reading NOT JUST A PASSER BY.
Not To Be Mistaken For Alive.
Are you fulfilled? I'm not. The definition of alive is: Living, not dead. or Alert and active; animated. But let me argue against this arbitrary definition of one of the most important words and feelings ever. If I physically feel as if i'm alive, as in if I breathe, eat, sleep, fuck and excrete; does that … Continue reading Not To Be Mistaken For Alive.
This is me now.
I wrote the last post 3 days ago, and honestly I really didn't want my fragility to get out there, but I've got something I need to admit to myself and without posting that there would be no context. This is me now isn't a statement of power, or me being brave or accepting myself. This … Continue reading This is me now.
Where am I?
Sitting here, fuck do i Know. Lost, confused, fucked; royally. Contemplating the magnitude of how deeply Fucked I am. People leaving, except one. People leave big deal. WhY the fucK is it so painful this time. Leaving school was easy, a place i spent the better part of a decade. BuT is it leaving college … Continue reading Where am I?
“Listen Up.”
Everyone wants to be noticed, to be everyone’s number 1, including me. It’s interesting because there is only a handful of people I would go as far to call a friend, and maybe half of those I would say I matter most to. But it’s really funny how I want not just all of my … Continue reading “Listen Up.”
“Stories or Memories.”
A story doesn’t really have to be true, right? It can be made up: fiction. Whereas, a memory is a recollection of past events, so you’d think they’d be true, right? Well I think the truth is quite subjective. A friend of mine, someone I’ve only recently started to call a friend despite having known … Continue reading “Stories or Memories.”
“Liars; lie.”
Something I was thinking about just now. I’d just like to highlight one very important fact: I lie. I’ve lied to those I love, those I hate and those I couldn’t care less about. The interesting part is that I lie to each for different reasons, the first to protect them, the second to ruin … Continue reading “Liars; lie.”
“A choice I should’ve never been given.”
Another memory; a surprising one. Times become a distant concept to me, in counting the minutes till my next assignments’ due date; I’ve entirely forgotten the past. The last memories I can vividly remember are all post 2014, except for a few and this is one. I’m going to talk about that one memory, that … Continue reading “A choice I should’ve never been given.”
“Scared to be lonely.”
My nightmare. Everyone fears something, right? Like there’s a shit ton of phobias… but I face a severe case of oudenophobia (the fear of nothingness). Ever since I’ve been a child I’ve always been afraid of the dark, not because of the fact that I can’t see anything but because with the absence of sight … Continue reading “Scared to be lonely.”
“Corrupted Beliefs.”
A little insight on who I think I am. My beliefs have always been mine because no one has ever understood that for me values are not binary. I do not think I am by any means a good person nor a bad person, so what does that make me? In my opinion it makes … Continue reading “Corrupted Beliefs.”
“Great friend; Thank you.”
For a friend who should understand her significance, and not let it silence her. Remember. I'm here, even if you don't want me to be. I'd say about 6 years ago I was like all the other boys that you can think of, I had one thought in my mind at all times; fitting in, … Continue reading “Great friend; Thank you.”
“Great life; just not for me.”
Imagine. Just imagine the following: Imagine you have a beautiful girlfriend who’d throw away everything for you, imagine you are from an upper middle class family with your own car, imagine you’re a man in a patriarchal society with the ability to do whatever you want, and imagine you’re in a private college because well … Continue reading “Great life; just not for me.”
“Yeah; Really.”
I have feelings. Why do people assume that my sadness can only be set off by my significant other? To be honest, my relationship is fine: better than it's been for a long time. That's what's given me time to reflect on myself rather than my relationship. It's the fact that I don't have any … Continue reading “Yeah; Really.”
“Why; ?”
Why do I sit and wonder, thinking if I looked depressed enough someone will care. Is that what true sadness even is? Feeling like the only reason you have to live is for another to give you attention, does that make me an attention seeker or just lost? People talk a lot about their passions … Continue reading “Why; ?”
“Questions; ?”
A few of the questions I asked myself today. Who am I trying to impress? Why does one work for the sake of progressing? If one works in order to progress to the next level then at what level can one stop needing to progress and finally be content? If one aspires to be someone […]
“Masks; 51”
I’ll call this rant “masks; 51" I am stressed, I am exhausted and I am just done. Done with the excuses I give myself so that I can procrastinate another hour, done with the assignments I have due, done with avoiding everything I’ve piled up and, most importantly I'm done with putting in an effort … Continue reading “Masks; 51”
Just another day…
My muse: A raggedy shoe Sitting in a class having to write a poem on a shitty shoe isn't the easiest of feats, but for some reason it reminded me of past traumatic incidents. Here you are. 14 years ago, my daddy told me one day I'd have to fill in his shoes and I … Continue reading Just another day…
A Sane Undertaking 