“Scared to be lonely.”

My nightmare.

Everyone fears something, right? Like there’s a shit ton of phobias… but I face a severe case of oudenophobia (the fear of nothingness). Ever since I’ve been a child I’ve always been afraid of the dark, not because of the fact that I can’t see anything but because with the absence of sight all my other senses heighten and hence my fear of darkness becomes a fear of the unknown but lately its developed: into a fear of nothingness.

For the past few months I’ve been having nightmares roughly every single night but my nightmares aren’t of the supernatural rather, of nothing; my nightmare is a room with a single window blacked out, no door, and no exit but through a window darker than the surrounding abyss. I mean yeah, it’s not that scary… except for the fact that when I fear nothing I fear the presence of something unknown within that “nothing.”

Lately, I’ve been feeling alone, A LOT. It’s funny cause I haven’t needed anyone around since a long time, but the closer I let people get the more I need them around. My friends make me feel safe, even though there isn’t really anything to fear when I’m conscious I guess. Their presence has made me lust it, and now the absence of it horrifies me. What have I let happen?

A certain someone makes me feel like they hold my hand every morning and without it I can’t get out the perpetual cycle of fear I live in, but since when have I needed anyone to hold my hand while I create more occurrences I’ll soon regret. That certain someone is probably one of the only people I’ll ever sleep near and trust enough to let my guard down but I know deep down she’ll never trust me. I don’t regret trusting her but I know when she’s gone (everyone leaves) I’ll be wrecked… so then why would I trust anyone but myself so much?