There’s a few people I’d like to reach out to, most of them from simpler times. Times that could never repeat themselves for I have lost every iota of innocence I supposed I used to possess, or at least ignorance. Yeah. I’d call it ignorance.
The ones I want to reach out to include a small group from my college days. I think a few of them have forgotten I’ve existed. The days we spent talking about it all, the days I spent defending them constantly in situations I really shouldn’t bring up.
There’s this funny memory I have. It’s of me and my ex taking the younger brother of a forgotten friend to buy a birthday present for her (the forgotten friends) boyfriend.
After the fucker tasered me.
I do think about the two of them, not the brother obviously, but I do think of the two people I spent a few years getting to know, developing with.
Another person I’d like to reach out to was a friend I had, who I bought my first pack of condoms with, who came over to eat kebabs at fucking 11pm randomly. It was a funny time, I know about what he’s doing a little bit. I’m close with a friend of his, I do wish him the best of luck in his future endeavours, his music is insane.
Another is someone I knew, the worst driver I could possibly fucking imagine. He lived off the corner of subway, and I got my first salon haircut with him. He helped navigate a very messy break up, I’m sorry for putting him through that. But for fucks sake, turn of the goddamn car when you are refueling.
Lastly, I’d like to reach out to the most important person to my younger self, one that had my 14 year old self putting post it notes on my face just to get her attention. It’s crazy how we grew apart, and that led to a break up. After almost 9 years of infatuation. I’m not sure if she knows about QP but I saved her name on my phone as QP back in 8th or 9th grade so that my immature and still shitty classmates from school wouldn’t harrass me. They still did, I was just too weak to tell em to shut the fuck up.
That’s okay though. I might be depressed as fuck, but at least I’ve grown up.
Just yesterday I had a conversation with someone about growing apart in relationships, and to that I said BS. Of course everything on this blog is in my opinion, but when I ended a relationship on the premise of growing apart, that was a lie. I was just dumb to not understand that it’s not growing apart, it’s not focusing enough of individual growth. For how can anyone possibly grow apart when they weren’t growing, at least I wasn’t.
I recently learnt that a relationship is more about acceptance, commitment and communication than it is about anything else. Don’t get me wrong; sex is important, but without communication even that goes to shit.
I have learnt a lot these past few years, you can witness it all on this blog, and the others I have. I might share those sometime. Those are far more private, far far older as well. Those are about my family.
I would reach out to every single one of them, each and every person. So that I wouldn’t have had to breakdown when I was smoking with my friend in my bathroom and he put on Let her go – passenger. I’m not supposed to ever hear that song.
I can’t be the one reaching out, not because of my ego, but simply because of consent. If they choose to reach out, they have my consent as proxy through this blog. But I can’t eradicate people in the most cruel ways and hit them up a couple years later. There’s no consent.
I won’t lie, I do check my DM’s sometimes cause I really don’t even know how many times I’ve changed my number at this point. I check them to see if the people I want on them are there. Somebody else -1975 just came on, there’s no song that hurts me more. When I was younger I wanted attention, but now it doesn’t matter. I just want peace.
I’d trade every contact on my phone, every direct message, every follower on this blog. If the person that would bring me peace would just say hello.
K. – C.A.S
A Sane Undertaking 